missed miscarriage at 10 weeks; is it normal to feel such grief?

[jazzymama]

I was 10 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child until last week, when I started to have light bleeding and mild abdo pain on Monday night. Saw GP first thing Tues am and couldn't be scanned by EPAU until Weds pm. Was out of my mind with worry. Anyway, scan showed no heartbeat and baby too small for my dates. I ended up miscarrying at home on Thursday pm. It was traumatic, excrutiating and has left me feeling completely devastated. I so longed to have this child and for 10 weeks had thought that I was nurturing it, bonding with it,...I had started to imagine life with our new baby, for our DS to have a sibling to play with, etc., etc. and now...nothing. I just can't seem to get myself under control at all and am veering between total rage one minute and then inconsolable floods of tears the next. I know in my mind that it wasn't meant to be, that early miscarriage is very common, that it's nature's way of dealing with a problem, that we can always try again, etc., etc., and all the other bits of "helpful" advice I've been given since Thursday, but it doesn't change the fact that it was our baby, that we wanted this baby, that it was growing inside me and now it's dead.
I'm sorry, I must sound really rubbish whining on like this and I know that what I've been through is nothing like as bad as miscarriages that happen later in pregnancy. However, I just feel all at sea and so alone with this. The hospital were so insensitive and wouldn't even confirm that it was a MMC, only that there was no heartbeat and that the size of the embryo was no indication as I could well have my dates wrong. I told them that I was absolutely 100% sure of my dates, so was this in fact a MMC and all they would say was come back next week for another scan and then we'll know more. So I went home to face a miscarriage alone, with no advice from them whatsoever. In the end, I got some info from MN posts that I least gave me some idea of what to expect and how painful and harrowing it would be.

Sorry for rambling on like this. I just feel as though my heart has been ripped out and my world flipped upside down. I'm sure things do get easier in time and that a lot of these feelings are fuelled by rioting hormones, but right now I just feel at rock bottom.

[Mummy369]

You poor thing, my heart goes out to you. Yes, it's normal to grieve . For those of us who believe in the life growing inside us from the moment of conception, the loss is immense. You may benefit from grief counselling, which your GP should arrange for you. Some Maternity units also have a bereavement counsellor - often a specialist midwife who deals with both pregnancy loss and still-birth etc..

You should also have been seen in a far more sensitive manner and had your questions answered by a nurse/midwife at the EPAU . They should certainly have prepared you for the trauma that was to follow. When you feel strong enough I would urge you to write to the hospital and complain. Every hospital has a PALS team (Patient Advice and Liaison Service) who will advocate on your behalf. If you contact them, they will be able to help you.

[PacificDogwood]

I am very sorry for your loss . And of course you will be grieving for the shattered expectation of a baby you were carrying albeit not terribly long.

Look at this website. SANDS have been very helpful to me and others I know.

The pain does diminuish in time even if you never forget.
I do hope you feel better soon.

[beanie35]

Hi Jazzy. So sorry for your loss. Its perfectly normal to feel such strong grief.I am sorry that you recieved such poor care from the hospital. I was treated in exactly the same way, my partner was working abroad when I had my first mmc and when I left the epu the miserable, unsympathetic doctor told me to expect 'some period pain'-didn't say anything about passing the baby itself or experiencing contractions. I was totally alone and terrified, and livid that I hadn't been better prepared.

It is still very early days for you, give yourself as much time as you need to grieve for your baby, the length of pregnancy is irrelevant, like you say you had formed a bond and were making plans for a new life. I still think of my babies every day a year on, but time has made things easier, as it will for you one day. You're right about hormones too, mine took at least 6 weeks to settle down. Just take good care of yourself, and know that you're not alone, many of the posters on here have been through the same terrible situation you're in at the moment. Best wishes.

[Pinkranger]

I totally understand your loss, and feel for you x
i also had a missed miscarriage back in August 06, i thought i was 10 weeks gone and after very minimal bleeding i had a scan to be told baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks.

I was sad, angry, disappointed and many morefeelings that i couldnt even try to explain. i had rock bottoms times but i was also lucky to have an older child to pull me through and keep me strong, when you need to, make sure you talk about it, the pain does get better but you will never forget them. i planted a lily on the expected date, and every year around the babys would be birthday it blooms, and it makes me smile. i was also lucky to go on and 3 months later and fall pg again and gave birth to a darling little boy back in Aug 07. Dont be hard on yourself and take all the time you need. xx

[waspylady]

Hi Jazzy

I'm really sorry to hear that you have been through such a difficult time, it is totally normal to feel so upset and mixed up right now. I had a mmc identified at a scan 3 weeks ago and took until last week for the actual mc to take place. I also was unprepared for the pain I would feel so it was quite a shock.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you will gradually start to feel better. You'll have up and down days but gradually as time passes you'll start to feel stronger.

I'm thinking of you, take care your yourself and just try to get through each day.

[reindeermum]

Jazzy you are not alone. I feel like this too.

[skiesareblue]

Hi Jazzy,

I too had a MMC a few weeks ago. It was discovered at the 12 week scan and like you, I was booked in for a scan to confirm it a week later but actually went on to start to miscarry in between.

For me, the grief and shock was like nothing I have ever known. That awful realisation that all is not right in the scan when the sonographer goes quiet followed by the long days waiting for another scan knowing that actually there is no hope at all of the outcome being positive.

I felt emotionally and physically drained, listless and unable to settle. I could not sleep and mostly just wanted to curl up in a ball.

I know 10-12 weeks is early days but you have had over two months to get used to the idea of having a baby. Naturally you will have started to make plans and to see the future with three of you in it rather than two. To suddenly have all that wrenched away can be devastating.

Everyone is different and grieves and experiences these things in different ways. I believe that there is no right or wrong way to feel and that you can only take things at your own pace.

Six weeks have passed for me. The first two weeks were truly awful but after that I did find that it got easier to deal with relatively quickly. In my case, I felt my hormones switch back to normal about a week after the miscarriage which really helped me as I was struggling with still ?feeling? pregnant at the same time as knowing I was not. I also found it easier once I was physically well enough to go back to work and get back into my normal routine. I suppose it gave me less time to fill with my thoughts.

There are still days it hits me. Sometime following obvious triggers like when I see a mother and baby out and about in town but also silly things like friends talking about organising a ski holiday for next year that I had assumed I would not be going on. I'm sure that that will continue for a while yet but I hope that eventually they will trigger memories rather than tears.

I do hope that you feel better soon.

[jazzymama]

Hi again,

what can I say....I am so touched by your kind words of comfort and support. I am also so sorry that you too have been through this - I wouldn't wish it on anyone - but thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me. You have all helped me so much and made me believe that I will get through this.

Thank you again and my best wishes to everyone,

Jazzy xxx

[starkadder]

HI Jazzy - I am so sorry this has happened to you too, it is horrible. I also had MMC recently - thought I was 10 weeks but baby had not progressed beyond 8.

I also have a DS already and I felt guilty and confused as to why I was so, so upset this time - I had 2 MCs before my DS was born and I thought that this time it should have been easier since I know how lucky I am to have one child already. I was talking to a friend and she pointed out that when you have a child already, you know what to expect - you know how much you'll love your baby, and you picture it and imagine all of you together in a much more realistic way than you do before you have children at all. This is what it was like for me, anyway. I think this makes it really very difficult when it all goes wrong - difficult in a different way from the panic and despair you feel when you have MCs before having any successful pregnancies. Realising this helped me understand my feelings a lot better.

Hope this is not too rambling.

[clothaddict]

Nothing new to add to that already said, other than your story rang so true with me to. I was 10 weeks and had mmc. They think baby died around 8-9 weeks. I am a bit haunted by the fact that I was carrying on thinking pregnant and at some point on one of those days the baby died and I did not know.

I had medical management so they induced my miscarriage and it was fairly gruesome but I coped better than I had feared. It was unpleasant but I had been warned what to expect and I think what they told me sounded worse so when it happened I think it was OK. I didn't really have pain.

I did have great care offered to me and follow up and think that helped. In fact I was thinking of contacting them to say how they were so kind and that it did help me a lot, as it sounds like so many places are not like that.

Like the others it's day by day. I only had the actual miscarriage in hospital on Saturday so just physically recovering now.

[echofalls]

sorry to hear about your mc. I am 14 years down the road, still hurts but not as raw now.

[avaj]

Poor you Jazzy. That is such a horrible experience to have to go through, and it sounds like the staff were useless!
Of cousre your world is upside down, you have lost a baby that you loved and wanted.
I had mmc 2 months ago, and am only now starting to have more "better" days. I had a normal 12 week scan, but a 17 week scan showed no heartbeat. It was devestating, and I felt awfull that I hadn't realized that my baby had died.
You just have to let yourself go through all the emotion and anger. Things will start to get easier, and you will always carry the memory of your baby.
Big hugs to you.........

[jazzymama]

hello again,

i just had no idea until i read all of these posts how common my experience is (unfortunately), or that what i'm going through is quite normal. i can identify especially with starkadder's comments - they seem to mirror my situation/feelings about the whole thing, as, on top of grieving terribly for the baby i feel i've lost, i also feel guilty for feeling this grief, knowing that i have a ds already who is adorable and that there are so many women out there desperate to have even one child who face what must seem at times to be insurmountable difficulties and often repeated heartbreak. my heart goes out to all of you brave ladies. i thank you for responding to my post, for being so open and for offering me your words of comfort and reassurance. all of your comments have helped and touched me so much. i also wish all of you all the very best for your own personal situations, whatever stage you may be at right now. i guess you just have to stay as strong, as positive as you can and believe that there will be some light at the end of the tunnel.

best wishes to all,
jazzy x

[starkadder]

exactly. Completely agree with everything you have said.

I also think that the way MC is managed by the hospital makes a HUGE difference. Having (unfortunately!) experienced this 3 times, I can say that my 2nd MC was made immeasurably more difficult to deal with by the abrupt and unsympathetic attitude of the hospital and the complete lack of support or understanding from them. Also, I hadn't told anyone (apart from DH) that I was pregnant - even my mum - so felt I couldn't talk to them. PLUS (even worse!) I had not discovered MN!

Really, though - I think you're doing so, so well; understanding what you're feeling and why is very important (and we all know that it isn't as simple as - I'm upset because I lost my baby - there's all sorts of issues to deal with). Talking to someone in real life helps too...I am a bit bad at this but have really tried to bring myself to ask for help this time and it has been much better.

I also feel if I had not had my first 2 MCs - especially the 2nd one, which was particularly traumatic - I would not now have DS - he'd be a different baby - and that is kind of impossible to imagine or to want, and has helped me accept what happened. There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel

[PacificDogwood]

jazzy, I am glad you are finding some support here.
I found after my MCs (4 MMCs, all diagnosed before 10 weeks) that all sorts of people came out of the woodworks with their MC stories, including friends of my mother's. It is still such a taboo and a lot of women are left with some vague feeling of guilt (at having "failed", at not being content with the child/children they have got etc) that I have made the point to talk about my experiences. Don't get me wrong, I am not some madwoman accosting people in the street insisting on sharing every detail of my experiences , but when the subject comes up, I will "one up" to knowing about MCs first hand.
You are definetely not alone in having to go through this and much as everybody's experience is different, the vast majority of woman find a way to make their peace with what happened. The pregnancy you lost will always remain a lost chance on a baby, but then again who knows what other baby might meet instead in the future(as starkadder said)??
Hope you are continueing to recover .