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Do I tell my sister in laws who are pregnant.

(9 Posts)
meesee Thu 17-Sep-09 10:35:59

I am experiencing my fifth mc at the moment.I have had four in 2009 alone. After my third mc in May 2009, due date the fourth of Dec., my three sisters in law told my husband that they are pregnat also. Their due dates are 29 nov, 5 dec and 10 Jan. I was devastated for myself and have not been able to face them since. I couldn't bear hearing about scans, kicks, etc,etc,etc. I wanted to be pregnant before these babies arrived to make it easier on me however
I have had two more mc one in July and now. They do not know about these last two.I started bleeding on Tuesday. They were both chemical pregnancies and ended at five weeks. I am gutted again but feel like nobody around me understands. Of course, people are sorry for you but life goes on and babies will be born. How do I face the birth of these babies into the family? Feeling very sad and very angry.

StrikeUpTheBand Thu 17-Sep-09 10:48:14

I am so very sorry xx. I haven't had a mc myself but my son was stillborn in 2005 and I remember all too well the pain of facing the 5-6 women around me who were also pregnant and especially when their babies were born and they were enjoying showing them off. It is hard enough the year you've had and i can totally underatand you trying to contemplate facing the new babies and not thinking you can. It got a little easier for me but only after I had a subsequent child. I still feel sad when I see these children running about though - they will all be starting school this year sad.

I think you do need to let them know even if it's not you that tell them. I think it would be much harder for you to keep this all a secret forever than it would be for them to hear it.

Buda Thu 17-Sep-09 10:54:26

I agree that they need to know.

DO you know them all well enough to be honest about how you feel? I am sure they understand on one level but maybe talking about it out in the open would help?

I do however understand totally if you feel you can't do that.

I have never had a miscarriage either but DS is IVF and i had one other failed attempt. I do know what it is like to see everyone else around you doing so easily what you can't seem to. sad One of my sisters has 3 DCs - none planned. She is now PG again - first one actually planned and she then discovers she is having twins.

Have you had any tests?

meesee Thu 17-Sep-09 11:13:00

Thank you for your replies.

This time I was on both aspirin and progesterone from 6 days after conception as I had an implantation Bleed. Tests have been all in the normal range ie uterus is fine, bloods all came back clear etc. Doctors have said no known reason but each time you take a chance and hope for the best.

I dont have a close enough relationship with my sister in laws, I know they feel sorry for me but I also feel that I am a big topic of discussion among them. they have left me alone to date but it is stressful for me and on a different level my husband. I know I have to face them sometime.

duvetheaven Thu 17-Sep-09 23:34:35

Sorry to hear about your losses meesee.
It is very wearing on the emotions.
I think you are within your rights to do what you need to do to minimise your pain around your sister in laws. ie if one has a baby shower I would say there was no need to feel obliged to go. You are in a really tough situation to have three family members preg at the same time. I had 2 mcs which I found very draining.
Be good to yourself and don't 'feel obliged' to do anything you think might be a struggle.
Take care.

PandaEis Thu 17-Sep-09 23:48:01

meesee so sorry to hear about your lossessad i have had 5 MC's myself with the middle 3 being CPs at 5-6 weeks. i totally understand what you mean about feeling bad for not seeing your SILs but it being too painfulsad my most recent MC was in may and i was due 24th dec so i am quite similar to you in that respect aswellsad it is so hard especially if you are actively TTC xx
i have been TTC since late sept 2007 so for 2 years and with the constant disappointment it is difficult to not feel bitter towards the pregnant women in your life (i have my super-bitter moments especially when i have to always joyful announcements followed by 'we werent even trying'hmm)
i am around alot of the time if you want to vent/chatsmile
xx ei xx

meesee Sat 19-Sep-09 15:06:53

My situation seems to be similiar to yours PandaEis, I started ttc in 2007 thinking when it happens it happens, I even thought up until 3 mc's I just had bad luck. How are coping with 5mc's?

Have you any medical results that would indicate what is going on for you?

My bloods are all fine but progesterone is on the low side of normal. for this last mc I was on both aspirin and progesterone from 6 days after conception.

I feel like asking so many questions like have you thought of giving up or put a number on how many you can bear? I am thinking about adoption but my husband is not sure.
Did anyone have any tests for chromosomal abnormalities which seems to be most common reason for mc. I dont know when I will ttc again but may leave it a while.
thanks for your good wishes.

MmeLindt Sat 19-Sep-09 15:11:35

Perhaps you could send them an email or a letter explaining while you are happy for them, you would like to stay away for a while to protect yourself.

Be honest with them, tell them how you feel and that you wish them all the best but at present you have to think of yourself.

Good luck.

popsy1 Sat 19-Sep-09 21:33:35

i'm so very sory for your losses, i have no idea how you have coped with 5 mc's. To add to your pain, it must be unbearable knowing so many family members are expecting.
I lost our baby boy at 19wks in february. We are currently receiving fertility treatment to aid ttc.Everytime some does the "i'm pregnant" convo i have a huge stab of jealousy.
I completely understand how you can't see your sil. Does your husband support you in this decision?
On the day of our sons funeral my close friend couldn't come because she was with her sister giving birth!
Four weeks after i lost our baby my best friend told my husband she was pg. I was so jealous, hurt and even angry. Im sure you understand those emotions well! I kept away for a while then tried to see them but it was just too hard. Whilst it hurt not seeing her it tore me apart seeing them sad. Eventually my husband and i agreed i had to keep away for my own sake.He went round and explained how i felt. Their baby is due any day and i've only just started seeing them. I still haven't done the guided tour of the nursery or looking at scan photos and i'm unsure how i will be visiting them when the baby is born (they only live round the corner).
Sometimes it all feels bloody unfair and its all there to make things even harder.
I hope my story helps you a little in the 'keeping away' part of your pain. I think once you've put things in place you will feel a little easier.

Take good care and be kind to yourself.
sorry for long messagexx

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