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anniversary of the birth that didn't happen

(13 Posts)
peanut990 Thu 27-Aug-09 23:05:37

I am 37 years old and was pregnant for the first time at the beginning of December last year .... we did the test on New Years Eve and were thrilled (I had suspected for a couple of weeks but did not really beleive I was that lucky so waited)... on 30th January I was in hospital having the pregnancy 'removed' we had seen a scan that showed twins, next scan 'disappearing twin' (I was bleedng a little which was why we had weekly scans) then at 10 weeks I was told that there was nothing and the remaining baby had only lived to 5-6 weeks

My due date is this weekend and apart from the odd blip over the past few months I have somehow remained sane, happy and fairly unscathed .. or so I thought .. I am now so low and feel like the stuffing has been pulled out of me ... I am so tired ... I shoul be trying for another but feel so detached from myself that I don't even want to go there ... can anyone share how they have felt?

Thanks for listening
P
x

whomovedmychocolate Thu 27-Aug-09 23:09:56

I'm so sorry you have gone through this peanut

It's good to remember and hopefully in years to come you will be remembering fondly the babies that didn't come, while you cuddle the one(s) that did.

I've lost two and have two DCs and I still think about the ones who didn't make it even now. But it does get easier.

Don't rush to try again if you don't feel ready. And you will feel weird and insecure all the way through if and when you do conceive again, then again when your baby is born. But you will get through this and you can be happy again.

peanut990 Thu 27-Aug-09 23:16:52

Thanks so much for that ... I was partly feeling that it was very self indulgent to get so emotional about this weekend .. that maybe I should be stronger than that - so nice to hear from someone that it seems does not even think it is crazy to be allowing a little focus on this

If I had moved your chocolate I would only have made sure it was in reach for you grin

whomovedmychocolate Thu 27-Aug-09 23:19:46

Oh god no, I felt so odd when during my pregnancy with DS, I passed my due date for my previous pregnancy that I lost (I conceived the month after miscarriage). Sort of discomboluated. It's entirely normal and it's not indulgent - you need to grieve and only by doing so will you move on and be ready to try again.

HeadFairy Thu 27-Aug-09 23:32:34

Poor you peanut due dates are absolutely horrible. Doubly so for you as you lost twins.

Like WMMC I was also pg again when I passed my first due date (June 13th) and obviously will still be pg when I pass the next one (Sept 15th) and I can say in some way it did help, but also having two mcs has made me really detatched from this pregnancy. I remember thinking constantly about my baby when I was pg with ds, but this one has barely had a minutes thought from me, as I was so scared. Detatching was my way of coping I guess.

It's absolutely not indulgent or silly to want to mark due dates. It's part of the grieving process. I was too scared to jinx this pregnancy on my last due date, but I think I might do something for the next one coming up, perhaps buy ds a few helium balloons and together we can release one. Not sure yet, but I think it's important to acknowledge what's happened.

peanut990 Thu 27-Aug-09 23:43:30

Thank you both of you ... I love my hubby dearly but we cannot talk about this in the same way girls can ... it feels to me like my babies were real but eveyone else dismissies themm because the pregnancy did not progress.... but to me they were very real indeed even at 5 weeks (although they were real to me for 10) again thanks .. I have never written on a forum before so thanks for making me so welcome x

HeadFairy Thu 27-Aug-09 23:46:20

It is very hard for most men to understand. Not only do you feel so different when you're pregnant, the hormones do their job and make you bond with your baby so quickly, that to lose one is really devastating. I lost both of mine at 6 weeks, which is really quite early. I was pretty ok at the time, I did my crying and then moved on, but it does stay with you for a while. I've felt haunted many times when I think about the babies that never were.

Marrenon Thu 27-Aug-09 23:53:49

peanut, i am sorry you are going though this,

my first ever positive test was on new years eve too,

she would have been due on the 10 sept 07 sad

it is hard, it is more than ok to think about it, to feel sad about it and to remember it,

i went on to have 3 miscarriages, i still think about the dates of those positive tests, the dates of my losses, the dates my babies were due,

my life is better now as i try my hardest to 'not remember' them dates, sad but true, i was making me very unhappy,

we all deal with things in different ways sad

peanut990 Fri 28-Aug-09 08:01:05

Thanks Marrenon, sorry to hear what you have been through .... I am trying to be positive and feel that maybe once I have moved past the due date that things will get easier.

Take care
P

whomovedmychocolate Fri 28-Aug-09 09:07:58

Perhaps Peanut, now that you have acknowledged the due date, you are ready to try again? For me the only thing that healed the pain was looking on the loss as a sign that I could get pregnant and that I would - eventually - have a healthy child? There are a lot of people who don't even get that far.

Some people find doing something physical and lasting to commemorate their babies helps. I planted a tree for each and have also planted a tree for my DC too - each is growing strong and I know it'll be there for many, many years and I can look out the window and see them. The actual digging helped me, I sobbed through it but it was just something positive to give me a focus to the grief. I took out all my anger and frustration at not knowing why this happened, with the spade, the neighbours probably thought I was barking but what the hell!

MmeLindt Fri 28-Aug-09 09:15:11

So sorry that you are going through this, Peanut but I am glad that you have found MN. You can find a lot of support on here from women who have had similar experiences.

Don't feel self-indulgent about marking the date, about thinking about the babies you should be holding.

Even a very early m/c is a bereavement as you are grieving for the life that could have been. It is difficult to understand unless you have experienced this yourself, which is why we sometimes receive some strange or hurtful comments from friends or relatives.

I had 2 m/c before going on to have my 2 DC. I don't forget the m/c and still grieve a bit for what might have been. But at the same time, without them, I would not have my two lovely DC. It is a bittersweet pain now, but one that will never be forgotten.

Take care of yourself and don't think about TTC until you feel you are ready.

whomovedmychocolate Fri 28-Aug-09 10:16:02

Peanut that should have read 'are you ready to try again?' Sorry for the typo, small monsters were climbing on my laptop!

peanut990 Wed 02-Sep-09 23:29:54

Thank you all of you for your such lovely comments ... as I said it is the first time I have 'blogged' or been in a forum .. I am stunned at the amount of responses and how feeling they all are ... having got to this age with zero pregancy scares it was a relief to know that I could actually become preganat so yes there is a positive ... hopefully it won't be long before I join a 'countdown' to birth forum .. just gotta stay positive and understand that the emotions will sometimes take me by surprise .. thanks again to you all and good luck to all of us who are trying ... love and good wishes
P
x

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