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friendship prob

(4 Posts)
hairband Thu 27-Aug-09 14:03:02

have had 2 m/c, and 1 prem baby who did not make it

friend got preg after we lost prem babe - couldn't face seeing her
tried to explain - she was upset and showed lack of understanding even tho she had a m/c herself

now have baby of a few wks. dh arranged for us to visit. i've been coerced into saying yes.
losing sleep when sleep hard to come by, bringing back memories of lost babe as friendship was from then
can't cancel as will cause too many ructions in marriage and social circle.

can't forgive that she was not sympathetic when i explained how low we were at losing daughter, is it not understandable to not visit a baby if yours died, and a true friend would put no pressure and just say it takes as long as it takes?

hairband Thu 27-Aug-09 14:04:56

have to be strong to get thro this, it's affecting things with new baby who we also nearly lost too at birth but luckily pulled thro, need coping tips

beanieb Thu 27-Aug-09 14:08:35

I think, as someone who is TTC and has had a miscarriage while all her friends and family are managing it, that it is understandable that you would have not wanted to visit someone with a newborn, specially after losing your own child at birth. I also think that the friend should have been sympathetic to you.

However I don't know how the whole thing was handled by you and her at the time so it's really hard to advise.

Were you very good friends and do you miss that friendship? Is your husband trying to do the right thing by trying to get you back together? Could you now be a support to eachother as mums?

Perhaps you should contact her before you go and explain why there has been distance between you and then try to put it behind you.

I am really sorry to hear about your miscarriages and the baby you lost.

tinkerbellesmuse Thu 27-Aug-09 15:53:53

Hi

I'm a bit confused from your post as to whether she has just had a baby or you have?

Having lost my son 3 weeks ago (still birth at 22 weeks) I understand how hard it is when friends do not react in the way in which you would hope after you lose a baby.

What I have realised (with a little help from the fab ladies on here smile) is that people just don't know what to say. Even close friends often feel awkward and useless and so they say nothing and shy away. This hurts enormously and initially I reacted by being hurt and angry and withdrawing from them. They in turn said nothing because they thought I wanted to be left alone/didn't want to talk. This week I really talked to them and they were fab. In fact I feel silly for being so angry at them.

This is a long winded way of saying things are often misunderstood if we don't spell out how we feel and what we need, particularly at a time when people just don't know how to react. It is very unlikely that she was being in anyway malicious.

Of course it is not unreasonable to not want to see a baby after you have lost your own (is that whay there is ill feeling?) but bear in mind even the best of friends are often absorbed in their own lives and probably she was not seeing past the fact that she was happy to have her baby (esp since she had a m/c)

Emotions run understandably run high when you lose a baby and friends are ttc/pregnant/have their own babies I think you have to consider the situation before this falling out - Was she a good friend? Could you trust/rely on her previously? Do you miss her? If the answer is yes then i'd go and try and patch things up. If no then leave it.

PS I'd be furious if DH arranged a get together with someone I'd fallen out with in these circumstances so if not going is really going to cause so many problems he needs to take his share of the responsibility.

Good luck

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