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Nostaligia & sorrow over former due date

(8 Posts)
rosietoes Wed 26-Aug-09 15:33:12

I fell pregnant in November, the same time as many friends. We were all so excited and told each other right away. At a Christmas party I started to miscarry and it lasted til the end of January.
Difficult to see friends' bumps grow, cried a lot, but thought it was OK now. I have seen them since, chatted about pregnancy (it was my 2nd).
Yesterday was my due date. And I just got a message that one friend had the baby 9 days early. I'm overwhelmed with sorrow, grief, hands shaking as I type this.
I know it will get better, but so sad...
Do you ever stop grieving over what might have been? Is that really unhealthy?

PolarBear74 Wed 26-Aug-09 22:08:34

I'm so sorry for how you feel. I have yet to reach my due date. I am not looking forward to it in October.

I hope that things get better for you and that maybe the grieving process will be able to move forward now the date is past.

I don't think it is unhealthy.

Big hug to you

HeadFairy Wed 26-Aug-09 22:13:01

Rosietoes, that's so awful. I'm terribly sorry. Due dates are tough... I was so unbelievably lucky I got pg straight after my two mcs so I was pg when I passed my first due date, so although it was a bit more poignant I was still terrified as I hadn't had my 12 week scan, so the thought of miscarrying near my due date was absolutely dreadful. Luckily things look ok, but I have another due date coming up, the same as ds's 2nd birthday, so perhaps making him a cake and giving him his presents will take my mind off it.

I do think it does get better, I'm sure it must do, although I do admit that for me being pregnant again has really helped. I think I would have found it harder if I hadn't. But in all things, time is a great healer. I hope you feel stronger soon, and are able to see your friend's baby without feeling the terrible grief you are currently feeling. It's terribly hard though...

ClaireDeLoon Wed 26-Aug-09 22:16:57

I'm so sorry rosietoes. It's so hard - I only had it (I mean due dates near what mine would have been) with work colleagues, with friends it must be harder. You can't switch friends off in quite the same way.

You never stop grieving over what might have been no but it starts to feel less raw. I hope you feel better soon.

rosietoes Wed 26-Aug-09 22:43:04

Thank you very much fro kind words!
After I started this thread, I found the one about memorializing pregnancy. It helped a lot. Not so weepy now. And don't feel I am being too sentimental. nice to read others feel the same.

Headfairy, I hoped to be PG before due date came. DH is partly to blame! Didn't want to know my 'fertile days', rather just let it happen. But he'd be out, or we'd be tired or DD would interrupt. Now feel military precision is called for! Started telling him when I ovulate and he's getting performance anxiety!

rosietoes Wed 26-Aug-09 22:56:46

oops, posted too soon

Hope all goes well for your PG, HeadFairy.

PolarBear74, look at the thread about "remember/memorialise pregnancy loss" (don't know how to link it). Wish I would have read it sooner. I feel so much better thinking of a way to remember the hope I had for the 'one that wasn't to be' rather than only remembering the MC hospital experience.

When October comes you can be ready with something to soothe the hurt.

Heathcliffscathy Wed 26-Aug-09 23:05:35

i so know how you feel, my due date is imprinted in my head and i know it will be very hard.

i hope that it gets better for you when you get through this very painful time.

HeadFairy Wed 26-Aug-09 23:38:15

Thanks rosie, I'm sure it will. Now I'm through the scariest bit it feels a bit more real. To be honest I've been in a bit of denial about the whole thing, I've barely told anyone outside my immediate family. I think if I hadn't been pg then it would have helped immensely to do something to mark the day, something nice with ds, going to the park, planting something in the garden, or generally acknowledging it as a day that can't be ignored, but also celebrating what I do have (ie ds).

My friend lost her first pregnancy and the grief she felt was terrible... I think if you've got dcs already, you can at least cling to them and be thankful for what you have got, but to have lost a baby without ever having one must be truely dreadful. Luckily my friend is due to have her first baby in a few weeks, but she went through very dark days indeed.

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