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Should i tell family about pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage?

(11 Posts)
tah2 Sun 23-Aug-09 21:32:51

I have just miscarried at around 7 weeks. I was waiting until i was 12 weeks before anouncing it to my family - even tho i was dying to tell them sooner. Unfortunately that never happened as i lost my baby last week and now im unsure if/how i should tell them. Any advice? I feel quite lonely and could do with some support, but dont want to add any further worries to my family who all seem bogged down with their own problems at the moment.

saladsucks Sun 23-Aug-09 21:39:47

Firstly, poor you, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Secondly, yes do tell them. I'd be gutted if someone in my family didn't tell me as they thought I had problems, when I would put them aside in seconds to help you right now.

I hope you start to feel better soon. xxx

Jacksmama Sun 23-Aug-09 21:45:33

So sorry sad.
<offers hug and hankies>
Could you perhaps pick the family who appears least bogged down the at moment to tell? Hopefully that's also the most sympathetic... it's hard to get through something like this by yourself.

tah2 Sun 23-Aug-09 21:49:37

Thanks for the support, i know i should tell them, just suppose im a bit scared - it all seems so final if i say it out loud. Guess im hoping for a miracle or something that will turn back the clock and make everything ok again.

amelied Sun 23-Aug-09 22:06:43

Hi tah2

Im so sorry for your loss. I have had 3 miscarriages in three years.

I looked at the approach of being honest with everyone - family, friends, work as I didnt know how I would be when going back to my normal environment. It also stopped the "so when are you going to start a family" questions that began the minute we got married.

I was a bit emotional at work as everyone was coming over and hugging me but it got it out the way and if I was having a day where I was feeling teary everyone understood and gave me the time I needed.

This was a personal choice but then Im a bit of a "heart on her sleeve" girl.

Again, so sorry about your sad news - I hope you can find your smile again soon...

onemoretimetoday Fri 28-Aug-09 17:51:02

I have chosen not to tell my family. I had 4 m/c between my first and second DC's. I told my mum about the first 2 and she was less than sympathetic. I then had another m/c earlier this year at 6 weeks and didn't tell them either as the lack of support was would have been worse than not telling them. I am now pregnant again, 8 weeks, and I am not telling them until after a nuchal scan.

If you think that you will get support tell them but if not then don't, it will only make you feel even worse.

JessiLynn Fri 28-Aug-09 18:42:42

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's such a difficult time.

The most important thing is to do what you need. You are going through one of the most awful experiences a woman can have, and you deserve every kindness from others and from yourself.

I think, if the only thing holding you back is worry about the problems your family members are having, you should tell them. If you're concerned that they may not be able to support you, or at least be sympathetic, than maybe not.

I was not able to tell my family, because I was pregnant out of wedlock and my partner and I split up the same day I miscarried. In my family, those are unforgivable offenses, as is the loss of a baby. Not only would my family be unsupportive, they'd be harmed by the knowledge that I'd been pregnant and miscarried, and that would have been unbearable for me.

If you decide not to tell your family, is there a friend you can talk to? MN is great, but sometimes you need a RL person there with you.

Hope you start feeling better soon. Hugs to you and your family.

tah2 Sat 29-Aug-09 20:52:41

Thanks to everyone on MN for your support. Reading other peoples stories and talkin on here has realy helped me cope. I told my mum today and she was very supportive and wants to give me a hug as soon as she can - will see her next week. She also said she understood why i was unable to tell her sooner which made me feel better. If its any help to others in the future i think i will share the good news of getting pregnant with my family straight away - at least then i will have immediate support if this ever happens again.

PacificDogwood Sat 29-Aug-09 21:03:59

tah2, my sympathies, too, for your loss. It is so sad when this happens and I hope you will feel better soon.

I had 4 MMCs (and have had a family smile). The first time I was pregnant I told my parents v early on, because they were visiting (they live abroad) and I wanted to tell them in person. When everything went pearshaped a few weeks later it was actually very hard to tell them and then to have to deal not only with our grief, but also with my mother's parents'.
MC 2 and 3 I told them too, but didn't when I had MC4 as they were on holiday at the time, I had not really let on that we were TTC, and there was nothing anybody could have done anyway. I told them recently about it (after I had had DS3).

Sorry, long ramble, I suppose what I am saying, there is no right or wrong. Do what feels right to you at the time. And what feels right might well change over time.

I hope you physically recover very soon and that you have loving support in RL, whether it is from your family or not.

Good luck for future, too smile.

tah2 Sat 29-Aug-09 21:27:00

PacificDogwood, thanks for the advice. I too am sorry for your losses. I cant imagine having to go through this more than once let alone 4 times. As you say it is tough, but i am starting to cope a lot better over the last 2 days. I bought a pot and plant to acknowledge and remember my baby by which i think has realy helped.
Its nice to hear that you have now got a nice family.

whomovedmychocolate Sat 29-Aug-09 21:39:20

I'm sorry for your loss.

I told my family both times - afterwards - a few weeks afterwards. They were aware I was ill but they didn't know what had happened. I have a bleeding disorder so both my miscarriages were quite debilitating physically as well as emotionally.

One thing I found though was that while my family were great, my inlaws were quite unsympathetic making 'oh it wasn't really a baby, just a bunch of cells' type comments angry and the second time 'oh well you have one child already, just be grateful for that!' hmm

If you have the slightest suspicion any of your relatives will be like this - get someone else to tell them and test the waters. You don't need that on top of everything else.

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