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I didn't expect to feel like this

(5 Posts)
IHeartKittensAndWine Tue 18-Aug-09 21:51:22

I feel really awful and selfish, but after losing a very much wanted and loved baby at 11 weeks I feel this strange sense of numb relief, if that makes any sense. On Sat night, after a couple of bottlesglasses of wine, DH and I had the "we can try again soon" conversation, but I've realised I don't want to. I have planned all my life to be a mum relatively young (I am 26) and was overjoyed when I realised that I was pregnant. But now, well.. I don't know. We can go to India for three months, or I can change career. I would give these things up and a million more to have my baby back, but we can't. I don't think I can just count down the days until we're "ready" to TTC again, I think I have to get on with my life, and try when the time is right. I feel awful, because I keep getting slapped in the face by grief and shock, but when I think of the different options ahead of me I feel a strange sense of... possibility. And that feels so terrible for my poor unborn DC. I can't explain this to DH and no-one else in RL knows that we were expecting. Please don't say I'll change my mind in a couple of months, I don't know if I will or won't.

pasturesnew Tue 18-Aug-09 22:00:07

Sounds like part of the recovery process to me, it's different for different people. After I lost my first pregnancy I was not really mentally ready to conceive again and when it happened quite quickly I was in shock, I still wanted the first baby back and was not that sure about the second - luckily as the pregnancy progressed I changed my mind and started to look forward to the new baby. I would not worry too much about how you are feeling, you are young and have plenty of time to choose what you would like in your life.

IsItMeOr Tue 18-Aug-09 22:10:34

I was surprised to feel both gutted and relieved after my mc. I think that this is normal part of the grieving process.

It took me about six months before I was ready to try again. I'm a lot older than you though! You're such a youngster, you have plenty of time. Take your 3 months in India if you want to, or change career. We had a fantastic, peaceful holiday in St Lucia, and it really helped me to get over the mc.

Take your time, and if and when you're ready to try again, you'll know (or kind of, anyway!). FWIW, I realised the other day that DS1 would not be here if I hadn't had the mc, and I couldn't imagine any baby other than him now.

PolarBear74 Wed 19-Aug-09 08:52:27

I just can't decide when to TTC yet. Should we wait or go for it. Its the worry about having another MC that confuses me.

Best to try and carry on with other plans and if you relax and are happy then maybe you may conceive before you realise it.

JoannaB Wed 19-Aug-09 09:26:09

Just so you know.... I get it. I have felt that. It's odd, isn't it, to have that emotion of ... 'relief' ... mixed in with all the others? As you say, you would give it all up tomorrow to have back what you have lost, but you sound like a 'logic' person.. i.e. you have reconciled in your head that that isn't possible... so now what? As far as I'm concerned, the 'right' thing to do is whatever your head/heart are telling you, so pause a while, do some stuff; you don't need to feel guilty.

I also agree with IsItMeOr in that when I did finally have my DD1, I kind of felt like she was the result of the whole long process - it was about 15 months from 1st positive test to her birth, and I kind of felt like she had jus taken 15 months to be created, rather than the usual 9 IYKWIM.

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