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(18 Posts)
tinkerbellesmuse Tue 18-Aug-09 11:54:41


Almost 2 weeks ago my DS was born sleeping at 22 weeks. As the days pass the grief gets worse and today I feel like I can barely function.

I don't understand how I feel. I can't define it. I want to shout at strangers that are laughing and smiling - don't they know my son has just died?!

My parents have barely acknowledged what has happened, friends who I considered "close" have not picked up the phone and those that do are so obviously uncomfortable that I feel guilty for being upset. My DH who is suffering as much as me has returned to work overseas and I feel so alone.

Shamefully I feel angry - why him, why me, why us?

Pleaes someone tell me that it gets easier.

duchesse Tue 18-Aug-09 12:02:48

Of course you feel angry! Nothing shameful about it. I haven't experienced a miscarriage as late yours but I can entirely understand everything you are going through. You are quite rightly grieving, and you do need to allow yourself to do that in your own way. Give yourself time to get over this awful tragedy. The pain does get easier to bear in time, I promise. It is a shame for you both that your DH has had to go back to work.

As for friends avoiding you- they are probably at a total loss about what to say to you. People are often tongue-tied in this kind of situation. I haven't any practical advice about this- the friends who were the best ones to me at this time when I miscarried just into the 2nd trimester were the ones who simply "I am so sorry". They didn't need to say any more. The acknowledgment of my grief was enough for me.

I feel for you both. Give it time.

IsItMeOr Tue 18-Aug-09 12:04:40

Oh tinkerbellesmuse, how awful for you and your DH. I have only experienced an early mc, which took me some time to get over.

I am not surprised you feel angry, and you must try not to give yourself a hard time over that. I suspect your parents are struggling with this too?

Is there any of your friends who you think of as a good listener? They may mistakenly be thinking that you need time and quiet to heal. Can you put out an email to one or two of them asking if they could spare a couple of hours for a cuppa and a cry?

bunnybunyip Tue 18-Aug-09 12:05:08

I'm so sorry tbm, I can't imagine what you are going through nd don't really have any wise words but didn't want to pass you by.
It is awful for you that DH has had to go away, can you still talk to him on phone? Does the hospital offer any bereavement services you could talk to?

Habbibu Tue 18-Aug-09 12:10:23

I'm so so sorry for the loss of your wee boy. You are in the first stages of terrible, terrible grief, and I remember feeling exactly as you've described. dd1 was born at 21 weeks - she had anencephaly, and was our first baby. i thought that I would never smile again, never wake up or go to sleep without crying, never be happy again.

That was June 2005, and I now have a beautiful almost 3 yo dd2, and am 34 weeks pregnant. I am absolutely not the same person I was, and I still think about dd1 a lot, and miss her, but my memories and feelings for her have found a home in me, and don't cause the terrible pain they did. I am happy again - I know there will always be days where I cry for dd1, but I'm glad for that - it doesn't last long, and they remind me that I'll never forget my wee girl.

It does get better - it really does. i will warn you, however, that you may find yourself feeling a bit better in a week or so, and then suddenly have a big crash - this is apparently due to a very cruel change in hormones, which can make you feel very emotional and weepy again.

Don't feel shamed by feeling angry - it is an absolutely NORMAL part of grief, and something that maybe you just need to feel right now to help your mind deal with such a terrible loss.

It will get better - the brighter moments become hours, and then days, and get closer and closer together, and you will find a safe home for your feelings and memories of your beautiful little boy.

I found the SANDS forum invaluable - didn't discover it until I was pg with dd2, but it was a godsend. MN is also brilliant - keep talking and talking and telling DS's story as much as you need to. It will help.

Mouette Tue 18-Aug-09 12:35:53

Dear Tinkerbell
I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my first baby late in the pregnancy, though not as late as you (17 weeks). I felt terribly angry and alone for a long time. Friends stayed away, relatives didn't know what to say or said the wrong thing. But then I had counselling which helped a lot. The church also helped, and a couple of friends did make the effort of talking to me. One came to visit. I found the Miscarriage Association helpful, they put me in touch with a lady who had lost 3 babies, twins at 21 weeks and then another baby at 12 weeks. It was helpful to talk to her as only those who have been through it understand. I didn't use SANDS but have heard great things about them, and they give support for late mc as well as stillbirths (officially apparently it's a mc if it's before 24 weeks - a lot of people didn't understand that even at 17 weeks, you get a fully formed baby). It DID get better, but it took time, months not weeks. It also helped me to commemorate my baby's life, I made a memory box with scans, cards people sent, etc, and I named the baby. Some people find it helpful to buy something for the baby, or to plant a tree in his/her memory. I wish you all the best. It's an awful lot of grief,a very dark time, but you will get through it. Do reach out - there are people out there who are prepared to listen. xx

woollyjo Tue 18-Aug-09 13:31:19

Hi Tink,

My daughter was born with no heartbeat at full term 7 weeks ago. Whilst our circumstances are different I can imagine our sense of loss is very similar. The loss of a wanted child at any point in a pregnancy is devastating (I have also had miscarriages but before 12 weeks).

Not sure if I can be of any help but will gladly try to be

horseymum Tue 18-Aug-09 14:07:35

I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine what it would be like so much farther on. I just lost a baby at only aroud 6 weeks, so there was nothing to see of the baby itself. I guess you might have been able to see a lot more, which may or not be a comfort to you. I sometimes think you have to function on two levels. Find some people who you can be real with but also try to carry on some normal things with people you know less well as you may find it easier to cope, as you might be less likely to cry. i found that seeing a neighbour I know less well helpful (she is also a nurse so quite compassionate but professional) as it was easier to stay composed. x

Mouette Tue 18-Aug-09 16:01:39

I'd agree with that - going back to work was hard at first, but then it helped because I could get on with other things and not think about the baby all the time. For me however the one thing that really made a difference quickly was the counselling, because I was spiralling downwards and couldn't see a way out. xx

tinkerbellesmuse Tue 18-Aug-09 17:23:15

Thank you all so much for your replies and I am sorry for all your losses.

I am feeling slightly better this afternoon which seems to have allowed me to get some perspective: I know my friends care and they are just giving me time. I can't blame them for not knowing that is not what I need when I haven't told them.

I also know I am being unrealistic about the response I had expected from my mother - we have always had a strained relationship.

I have an appointment to see a counsellor tomorrow and I am hopeful that she can help. At the very least I feel hope that I am doing something other than crying and I think that part of what set me off so badly last night/this morning was the fact that another counsellor who I was due to see for the first time today cancelled on me last night angry. It just made me feel so let down.

horseymum - it is some comfort that we have photos of Felix. They arrived this morning. Sadly the original ones taken by the hospital were "mislaid" and so the midwife took more the day after his birth. He looks different to when he was first born but to me he looks perfect.

Thanks to all of you who recommended Sands - they were also recommended by the hospital. I had registered with their forums last week but sadly they have closed them down due to bad behaviour sad so looks like you ladies on mumsenet are stuck with me!

IsItMeOr Tue 18-Aug-09 18:03:18

Hope it goes well with the counsellor tomorrow. My advice would be to persevere with the counselling. If you don't gel with this one, try another, as it is a very personal relationship imo.

Felix is quite an uncommon name, but with such a lovely meaning. Hope you will be feeling a bit more of it one day.

Mouette Tue 18-Aug-09 19:00:02

Good luck with the counselling - for me it was the thing that helped me most. It made me calm down, and then other people (friends, church, DH) were kind of able to take over. xx

tinkerbellesmuse Tue 18-Aug-09 20:39:21

IsItMeOr - do you mean "happy"? I didn't actually know it had that meaning (just looked it up on the MN babyname page).

We had decided on his name when we were told he was a boy at a scan at 16 weeks. Our surname starts with an F and with the alliteration we thought he sounded like a super hero - so sad now.

I hope happiness comes in time. For everyone on this board.

IsItMeOr Tue 18-Aug-09 21:20:22

I didn't realise you wouldn't know the meaning. I was thinking happiness is what we all hope for our little ones, and thought it was a very touching gift to your DS.

Best of luck with the counselling. I was lucky to already be seeing somebody when I had my mc, and it did help me.

Mummywhereisyourwillie Wed 19-Aug-09 21:11:29

I am so sorry. People can be so ignorant in the things they say.

To other posters that have had losses too, your stories are so sad and WoollyJo your picture of your baby is beautiful.

tinkerbellesmuse Thu 20-Aug-09 08:44:45

So I went to the counselling and arghhhhhhh I don't know?!

How do I know if it helps? It's hard work - all that talking (or tbh mostly crying).

I didn't dislike the lady at all, but she didn't say much. Is that normal? although I guess there was a lot for me to get out.

I am going to see her again.

Wolloyjo - your picture of your DD is lovely. I got my pictures of Felix yesterday and it helps that I can see him.


IsItMeOr Thu 20-Aug-09 09:37:08

How much the counsellors say probably depends on the type of counsellor they are, and what they think you need.

Hard work sounds about right to me, but it does get easier ime.

Well done on giving it a try, and really hope it helps you.

Woollyjo - so sorry to hear of your loss. Niamh looks beautiful.

Habbibu Thu 20-Aug-09 11:04:14

I think at this stage you mostly do just talk and cry - I talked to my midwife counsellor a lot. It's only later that things start to feel like they're fitting back together. The need to talk and cry a lot is, in my experience, an important part of the process. I got very used to crying in shops...

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