Today should have been my due date for what is now called my third miscarriage.
TTC for four years, three miscarriages in three years, no children. Im tired emotionally and physically. Im tired of being the woman everyone tip-toes round if they are pregnant, just had a baby, just became a Grandmother etc etc... I am happy for them but I am only human and sad for myself too.
Instead of being upset today, I have tried to get on with things. I hate the way miscarriage has made me this bitter, jealous person that I am today.
I also bought one of those flying paper lanterns to mark the occassion of what might have been today. It was a bit of hard work for DH and me to get the lantern started but we have just released it and it was beautiful to watch it fly up in the night air.
It was more symbolic for me as I watched the lantern fly up as I hope it has taken my grief from me and I can move on.
amelied - what a beautiful way of marking the day, and carrying away your grief. I love it. so very sorry for your loss. I had 2 miscarriages a few years ago now and its the hardest, and most emotionally and physically draining time of my life. I wish you all the very best for your future baby making. Have you seen anyone privately about why this could be happening??
Thank you to both of you - I didnt expect any replies.
I had the recurrent miscarriage tests after my second miscarriage due to being 39 at the time. All tests came back fine with myself and DH. Was pregnant for the third time within three months and this was the pregnancy that we got to see a heartbeat flickering away which we hadnt experienced before. Sadly I started to miscarry at ten weeks.
I had a AMH test and the results were excellent - 22, which means I have some time for my age, 40.
I had a Hystercopy (sp?) two weeks ago and all looks well, so back onto the remaining 3 rounds of Clomid I have once AF arrives. If not successful there will be looking at IVF as it has taken me 13 months to conceive for the first pregnancy and 16 months for the second and I am well aware of the clanging of my biological clock
Thank you both for your kind words, they brought some tears to my eyes. It is the feeling of hopelessness I have - that I cant have the much sought after baby we both dream of.
It sounds like a lovely way to mark what should have been your due date.
Personally, I'd be very tempted to take baby aspirin when you get a BFP again, especially as you have seen a heartbeat. Not sure if that was what did it for me 4th time round, but I felt that I was doing something positive
*CMOTdibbler That is what my fertility consultant has told me to - re: baby asprin. Just have to keep my fingers crossed that I can become pregnant quickly to start it. Congrats that it happened for you 4th time round.
I actually tried to blot the due dates out of my mind for my four mcs, and instead tend to remember the mc dates and honour the babies on those days. I wrote a poem for each one and kept all four. The lantern sounds beautiful. It's nice to have a symbolic moving on, maybe even necessary.