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Miscarriage - who should you tell?

(12 Posts)
PolarBear74 Fri 07-Aug-09 13:56:42

Hi I have had 2 miscarriages this year. The most recent and traumatic was last week when I went for a scan last Tuesday and was informed that my baby had died at 9 weeks and 3 days, traumatic as I had had a scan at 9 weeks and been told there was a heartbeat and all was well.

The hospital was quite good about it although the lady that did the scan was very blunt about it.

Anyway I said I wanted an EPRC as I had been upset about the natural miscarriage I had had previously so the doctor told me if I came back in 3 days then I could have an appt. But my body obviously felt differently about this and the night before the EPRC I started to bleed heavily and passed out so that my husband called the ambulance and off to hospital I went.

So as I write this a week later I am still bleeding and feeling quite emotional about it all. But the other problem I have is that my sister in law is pregnant, successful 12 week scan and is due on the same date that I would have been. My Mother wants me to tell her and my brother but I just don't want to tell anyone as its too raw and I don't want people to feel sorry for me or not know what to say. Is this the wrong way to feel?

How am I supposed to feel excited and cope with such a constant reminder?

Sorry for such a long message but I needed to get it out. Thanks for reading, all the other posts on here have really helped.

AstronomyDomine Fri 07-Aug-09 14:02:57

You tell how you want to in your own time Polar.

ellagrace Fri 07-Aug-09 14:09:45

Oh bless you - i'm so sorry for your loss. I know from personal experience a 'missed miscarriage' is, especially after having already had a scan and seen the heartbeat.

As for advice i'd just say it's soooo soon. You don't have to make any hard and fast decisions about any of this or be ready to deal with telling people or dealing with other people's responses or feelings or other's pregnancies yet! Just tell your Mum you are not ready to tell people yet and you will see how you feel when you've had some time but for now you just need to have some space to grieve and get your head around what's happened.

No emotion is 'wrong' at this stage. There's no 'supposed' to way of feeling, or dealing with things. I just rode it out as best as i could once the surgery and all the physical stuff was over. I'd have good hours and then suddenly be hit with a tidal wave of emotion - loss, pain, ache... i dunno - it was too big to explain or process i just had to let it wash over me and let it out crying or whatever it needed and pick myself up and carry on when it passed. I talked with those i'd chosen to tell and wanted to talk to when i felt the need to talk, had at least one person i felt comfortable just to be held by when i needed that, and went for distraction and normality and didn't feel guilty about it when that seemed right. It seemed to work just going with it. Later on i remember going through a patch of irrational anger and overeactiveness too which was pretty out of character for me and i didn't connect with the loss for a while.

I'm sorry for talking about me if it doesn't help but what i'm trying to say is that it's up to you how to deal with this, there's no right way to feel or deal with things and it's up to you entirely who you tell and when and how you want to deal with this right now and you have every right to just take your time and be gentle with yourself and let this experience and reaction work it's way through.

i got through and 'over' if that's the right word pretty healthily all in all i think and i reckon that's because i caught myself and said NO to a load of you should do, think, feel, be this that or the other crap and instead let myself be and for once in my life managed to be gentle and non-critical and bashing with myself.

i'm so sorry this has happened. i really really am.

starynight Fri 07-Aug-09 14:09:56

i agree with AD in your own time when your ready.
no its not the wrong way to feel i felt just the same when i lost my twins at 19weeks you have just been through a deeply traumatic and sad time everything should be done at your own pace. x

littleducks Fri 07-Aug-09 14:17:14

If your sil didnt know you were pregnant than their is no reason for you to tell her that you miscarried unless you would like to

I'm not sure i understand mil in this, if you dont want to tell her i dont see how it could help sil to know, would prob worry her in all honesty

I had 2 mcs but have told no friend until very recently when my poor friend mced after contracting slapped cheeked virus, i only told her as she was blaming herself terribly and she said it made her feel better to know she wasnt 'picked on'

thefatladyscreams Fri 07-Aug-09 14:28:33

Polarbear - I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is just so sad and horrible.

It's up to you how you handle this as and when you feel ready. There is no need to make any decisions - especially when everything is so incredibly raw and painful for you. I had a m/c a couple of weeks ago and DH and I chose not to tell anyone in RL. That was what felt right to us. You need to do what's right for you.

It must be so hard with your SIL's pregnancy as such an immediate reminder. But I would listen to your gut. If you don't want, or feel ready, to tell people yet - then don't.

Take care. Be gentle with yourself.

girlwithacurl Fri 07-Aug-09 14:31:47

Hi polar I was in a similar situation. I had a miscarrage last Sept and nearly missed my brothers wedding, as a result I had to tell them what was going on even though I didn't really want to talk to them about it, but if I hadn't made the wedding it woudl have been really awful so they had to know the reason. Basically they got pregnant on their honeymoon and it was just awful because they didn't know what to say to me and treated me with kid gloves. I wasn't allowed to just feel the way I wanted to feel, but the way they expected me to, if that makes sence. My advice would be to wait until its all less raw and you might feel like telling them or not. My niece was born 4 weeks ago, and I had an ectopic pg diagnosed on the day she went into labour. Like you I thought it would be so hard to see the baby and avoided it for as long as I could, but when I did finally see her it was fine. Time is a great healer, corny i know, but true. Give yourself time, and allow yourself to feel angry/sad/dissapointed whatever. It will all be fine I promise!

neolara Fri 07-Aug-09 14:46:02

Firstly, I wanted to say I'm sorry for the loss of your babies.

I agree with the others who say that it is totally up to you who and when you tell, however, I wouldn't write off telling your SIL what has happened. Obviously I don't know your family dynamics, but I wonder if your mum is simply trying to be sensitive to your situation. She may be simply to protect you and your dh from a difficult situation. If your SIL and DB don't know what has happened to you, I imagine they will want to talk to you (probably enthusiastically ) about the pregnancy and impending birth. I guess it's not unlikely that this could be very difficult for you to deal with, at least in the short term. Knowing what has happened to you may make them deal more sensitively with the issue.

If you don't want to tell them yourself, (and as someone who has experienced 4 mc, I know how difficult they can be to talk about), at some point maybe you could ask your mum or someone else to let them know what has happened.

As others have said, it is still very early days. Be kind to yourself. You will feel better, but it does take time.

Maybebaby76 Fri 07-Aug-09 15:03:10

Hey Polar

I'm so sorry for your loss, there are no words to describe how devasting and empty this leaves us feeling.

I've had 2 mc's in the last 13 months and an ectopic a few months ago. My best friend is blossoming everyday with her bump and we would have had the same due date (within a week of each other).

I wasn't sure if I should share my loss with her as I didn't want to take away her joy or for her to feel so sorry / awkward when around me.

In the end I did share with her and I am glad that I did. It's been difficult to be with her at times and to listen to her bump stories but beacuse she knows of my history she has been very patient and understanding.

I think you need to do whatever you feel is best for you, when the time feels right.

You need to be kind to yourself and try not worry what other people may think. At the end of the day, your loved ones would want you to be happy.

Take care x x

Mouette Sat 08-Aug-09 17:31:51

Dear Polar,
I am very sorry for your loss. It was different for me as I lost the baby at 17 weeks so everybody knew I was pregnant anyway. But I was glad they did, because whem my niece (daughter of DH's brother) was born 2 weeks after the mc, I could not bear to look at her, and they wouldn't have understood if they hadn't known. It's obviously entirely up to you who to tell and when, but you might want to tell them at some point because they're your family and you might want to get their support. It is horribly hard when someone close is pregnant or gives birth after you've suffered a mc. Don't feel under any pressure to feel happy for them or see the baby or talk about the pregnancy. All the best x

TAcrazy Thu 13-Aug-09 11:48:14

I think you just have to look ater yourself as much as possible - that is your first priority. My sister-in-law is supposed to be visiting in a week with her three girls - one of which is only a few months old and I don't think I can do it - its' just too hard.

You should never have to apologise to anyone about how you are feeling and no-one else can really understand. They just have to give you space.

Much love.

PolarBear74 Thu 13-Aug-09 13:05:22

thanks to everyone who has left messages of support here. It has been so helpful, if very sad, to know there are others out there going through the same situation.

I saw my sister in law at the weekend and managed to cope although when I got back I felt quite angry and bitter. I am sure this will pass but I just want to avoid people with children at the moment.

Thanks again

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