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Over 2 years, 2 miscarriages and still no babies - Is anyone else in this situation?

(8 Posts)
Lunalou Thu 23-Jul-09 15:14:43

I have been a poster on MN for a couple of years, since we started trying for a baby.
Had a miscarriage at 11 weeks 2 years ago, then finally got pregnant this march and lost the baby at 6 1/2 weeks.
I am just feeling desperately sad and sorry for myself which is a bit pathetic. Partly hormones as I got AF last night, and so another month bites the dust.
I really dont have anyone to talk to that understands how or why i'm so miserable, and I cant keep talking to my friends about it as they just dont get it. Either have kids, and sailed through it, or had miscarriages but now have children.
It's the empty feeling in my body, and the bitter lump in my chest that I dont like. I'm not the same person I used to be, more sad and quiet.
Just wondered if anyone else was going through this, and needed to talk too.
I promise I wont be so miserable to people that respond! smile

AnyFucker Thu 23-Jul-09 15:30:23

I am so sorry to hear of your difficulties

I don't know whether this will help if you only want support from ladies going through this right now

But I was in exactly your position a few years ago. I remeber that horrible sick, empty feeling and the frustration of waiting, waiting and more fucking waiting, whilst everyone around me just carried on regardless

I needed extra help to get my two children and it was a long, hard road, but I will never forget how bloody soul-destroying it was

Noleeen Thu 23-Jul-09 15:33:40

Hi,i'm so sorry for your losses I know exactly how you feel. I started TTC in March of last year and got my first positive test in April so was really lucky that it happend so quickly, however at 5wks i miscarried, blighted ovumn, i couldn't believe it. However, i did actually fall pregnant again straight after this with no period in between. Everything was going great, had early scans at 7wks when i saw and heart the heartbeat, cudn't believe it, HOWEVER when i went back for my 12weeks scan i was told there was no longer a heartbeat, i was completely devastated, i couldn't believe this had happened again. I was booked in for a d&c which took place this day exactly 1year ago. At the time i decided against a private burial and let the hospital take care of it (i was given the chouce as apparently the catholic church believes that once there is a heartbeat it is classed as being once living). I visited the grave the hospital set up yesterday and it just brought it all back to me and made me realise that i am infact not yet over it. I went on to suffer yet a third m/c at the end September last year. I also find it very hard to speak to ppl about this as until you go through something yourself you don't fully understand it and it's so much easier for those ppl to tell you to 'move on' and that 'it will happen for you someday'. Although i do believe when the time is right it will happen x

Lunalou Thu 23-Jul-09 16:33:29

Thanks for the responses.
Sorry any didn't mean that i didnt want support from people who have kids, my SIL is one of the people who has had 2 MC's and 2 beautiful girls. She has been an absoloute rock for me, and we are best friends, but I know she struggles to understand my ongoing misery at times.
Thanks for the support and understanding, sorry you had such a struggle, it is good to hear that it does go right in the end. smile

Noleeen - So sorry for you too. I thought after the 1st one that I could never go through it again, but I was actually a lot stronger than i think I am. Problem is, I'm a teacher, and now it's the hols have too much thinking time on my hands!
I am taking clomid, and the Consultant wants me to stay on it till the end of the year. He thinks as it worked so quickly the first time, it should do again. Poor DH though, he doesnt know which way my moods are swinging at any given point... blush

Have you been to the hospital for tests? what did they advise? Anything useful, or just the usual 'keep trying, at least you can get pregnant!'
I always feel like saying
"Thanks - but I'd actually like my baby at the end of a healthy pregnancy, not just to 'know' I can concieve!!!" angry
Lu xx

AnyFucker Thu 23-Jul-09 22:26:03

Clomid did it for me, eventually.

All the very best of luck to you x

ChoChoSan Mon 27-Jul-09 14:25:01

Hi Luna,

I know exactly how you feel. DP and I had been ttc for 3 years (Clomid, IUI), when I finally got pregnant in March this year. I m/c at 5 weeks, and then amazingly got pregnant again immediately (and naturally), but lost that one at 10 weeks sad.

I have been trying to console myself that at least I got pregnant twice in 2 months after 3 years of nothing, and the consultant who scanned me to discover last m/c kindly told me to get an immediate referral from my GP if I get pregnant again, and he will start me on aspirin and (I think) progesterone.

The number of people I know that are pregnant now is unbelievable - most of them were not even in their relationships when we started, and one of my friend's friends has the same due date as my second m/c would have been.

At the moment, I can completely relate to the emptiness, and the feeling that you have lost some of your vitality. When people consoled me about my M/Cs, I said that you get used to disappointment after 3 years failing to conceive, but I feel as though I am running out of the energy it takes to be so resilient, though life goes on regardless!

Right, now for the positive bit - get shagging asap!!!! There is the belief that perhaps women are super-fertile after pregnancy - inlcuding M/c, and I could be evidence of that, having had a natural pregnancy immediately after m/c.

If you do get pg, then look into taking low dose aspirin daily - do research, and speak to your GP - if GP not convinced about efficacy of aspirin, go ahead anyway unless there is a medical reason not to (ask your GP) - this is not an area that has been greatly researched yet.

Once you have taken the support and info that you need from these boards, try to avoid the conception and m/c threads for a while - or they can end up being a constant reminder of your sad situation.

Keep occupied...don't sit around waiting to get pregnant - take advantage of your freedom to build a rich personal life - whatever floats your boat - get out and do it - opera, theatre, sports, clubbing, cinema. Then you always have something to look forward to, and a distraction from dwelling on conception.

If you are anything like me, you will then need to come back on the board when you get pregnant again, a) to stress out about holding onto your embryo, and b) because you will be too bloody knackered to go out and do any of the things I have mentioned above grin.

Good luck!

Lunalou Mon 27-Jul-09 15:43:18

Thanks for the advice Cho,
you are right about getting out there and "living" instead of just existing.
It's very hard when life revolves around TTC.
Going to start our salsa classes again, and make an effort to start exercising I think.
L smile

ttalloo Sat 01-Aug-09 00:26:26

Hi Luna, reading your post has made me cry because it reminds me so much of how I felt after two MCs in two years of trying - thinking about what might have been, and watching other women sail through pregnancy was absolutely soul-destroying. I started TTC in April 2004, had my first MC at eight weeks in the December, followed by another at 10 weeks in June 2005, and then nothing for a year. I thought I would go mad with the misery of it; I would cry in the toilets at work every time colleagues would come in to show off their new babies, or announced they were expecting, and I wanted to punch all the tactless idiots who would cheerfully and insensitively ask me when I was going to have a baby. I became a different person, bitter and curdled up inside.

A combination of three events changed things for me. A friend recommended an acupuncture clinic in London that had a reputation for helping women with fertility problems; we went to the hospital for an initial consultation for fertility investigations; and I read an article about a woman who'd had a hysterectomy in her twenties, suffered depression as a result, and then had adopted a little girl from India, and now had a great life and family (which made me feel that if the worst happened and I couldn't have my own children, then maybe I could give an unwanted child all of the love I had inside me). Within six weeks of starting acupuncture I was pregnant for the first time in a year, and this time I had a real, live, gorgeous baby at the end of it. My DH thinks it was all hocus pocus, and maybe he's right, but it really helped to be able to talk to someone about my problems TTC (and for the first time articulate that I had two paradoxical fears: of never getting pregnant again, and of what would happen if I did get pregnant again), and to feel that someone was doing something to help me, even if it did just involve sticking needles in my back and feet (which is probably where the visit to the hospital helped too).

(Cho's advice to you is spot on, but I would also add avoiding the use of ovulation kits, which turned TTC into a clinical, weary act of perfunctory sex.)

TTC is the hardest thing when it all goes wrong, and to stay positive is very difficult, especially when there are bumps and babies all around you. But miracles do happen, and I hope that very soon you, and everyone else who's posted here, and is waiting for a miracle of their own, will be celebrating the arrival of a lovely, healthy baby. Wishing you all heaps of good luck.

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