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Tried so hard to not let this mc be for nothing

(13 Posts)
BuckBuckMcFate Tue 07-Jul-09 23:17:09

I lost my baby on 30th March.

I have 3 Dc and the pg was unplanned and unwanted.

Dp and I talked about termination as neither of us wanted it.

When it came down to it though, we looked at our DC and realised that we had to give this one a chance.

We started to let it be part of our lives and told our eldest DC(12).

Then I lost the baby.

I have had nothing but support from my famil and friends.

I had a scan in hospital and the only thing left inside me was the baby. I came home and had to just wait for the baby to come outsad

This happened just before dawn and then DP and I went for a walk up the mountain and sat looking down the valley and talked and talked about what we thought this baby of ours would've been like.

I decided that I had to make something positive out of this and made the (overdue) changes to my life. i have got a part time job now and have gone back to college. I'm not religious but part of me wanted to be able to say to my baby when I meet it again that it's very short life wasn't wasted and it gave me the courage to change.

But I'm finding it so hard to stay positive. I dream that I am pregnant every night and hate waking up to my flat stomach every morning

I am not looking for any advice just needed to say this to someone

Thank you if you have taken teh time to read this

gigglewitch Tue 07-Jul-09 23:20:29

hugs, bucky. 'met' you on the mc thread too, you are a strong woman and you should be proud of yourself for doing things the way you have.

Heathcliffscathy Tue 07-Jul-09 23:21:13

I mc'd on 31st March.

I feel my baby left behind some gifts. I struggle to stay positive and in touch with them. I also dream about spotting most nights and the beginning of the miscarriage.

I find that the days are becoming easier. then something happens and it hits me like a truck.

Your post is beautiful and makes me feel less alone. Thank you so much for saying it.

hester Tue 07-Jul-09 23:22:42

Your post made me cry, BuckBuck. I know how painful it is to lose a child through miscarriage. It sounds as though you have found very profound meaning in the experience, but you still have a lot of grief left to resolve.

You say everyone has been supportive - but is it the right kind of support? Do you have someone you can say the unsayable to? If you want to talk - this is a good place.

I will be thinking of you.

BuckBuckMcFate Tue 07-Jul-09 23:23:15

Thanks gigglewitch

The mc thread was amazing, support as real as in RL

I had to hide it all for a bit though as just couldn't cope with it

How's things with you?

gigglewitch Tue 07-Jul-09 23:25:05

soph, your post is lovely too.

My lo would have been due this month - it's so hard sometimes.

I think we all want to make something change - I'm moving jobs, something I should have done sooner. I hadn't thought of it that the little bean's energy has helped us to move on, but you are both so right. Thank you, that has helped me too tonight....

BuckBuckMcFate Tue 07-Jul-09 23:27:14

Sophable, you have made me cry now smile (in a good way, tho!)

Hester, you're right about the unsayable, I have got real problems with the fact that the MW who did the scan told me it was only the baby inside me, so when I got home I knew that the last loss was my baby sad and I just felt so helpless, and heartless

Heathcliffscathy Tue 07-Jul-09 23:29:08

buckbuck that is unbelievable. i sometimes wonder about the sadism inherent in some (note some before hoards of midwives descend on me) healthcare workers and those dealing in obs/gynae in particular.

that is so awful.

gigglewitch Tue 07-Jul-09 23:29:39

it's feeling so out of control of your own body that is the worst part - betrayed or something. The 'unsayable' is so true - this site is absolutely a lifeline for that

BuckBuckMcFate Tue 07-Jul-09 23:37:29

Gigglewitch, you sound like you are making positive changes too, I find it helps me think of it all as not being so utterly pointless

Sophable, I agree with you entirely. One of the nurses was lovely, she held me when I really wanted my mum. But the MW seemed so indifferent to it all, (which I know we are all guilty of when it comes to our jobs) but i sat through the scan with tears streaming down my face and I just thought she could be more sensitive

gigglewitch Tue 07-Jul-09 23:39:52

Bucky, you are an inspiration smile

BuckBuckMcFate Tue 07-Jul-09 23:41:49

And I also want to say Thank You for replying.

I could feel the hysteria building, I have tried to talk to DP about my dreams this evening and I know that he feels at a loss as to what to say to me, he just desparately wants me to be 'OK' so I got a sympathetic look but I could sense he didn't want to go over it again

I think the journos should have a look at the MC threads to get a real idea of why MN is such a wonderful place

BuckBuckMcFate Tue 07-Jul-09 23:43:43

Aw gigglewitch, I'd just stopped crying and you've set me off all over again smile

I think we all are to each other, I know the mc thread was invaluable to me

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