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its so fucking shit just wanna curl up in a ball (no need to read, i just need to write)

(29 Posts)
starshaker Wed 24-Jun-09 23:02:50

Just had MC number 5 and i feel like somebody is punnishing me for being a shit person. Have i done something seriously bad to deserve this? Now i need to decide how to "clear out the product" how the fuck am i ment to do that. My baby is still there. I saw it. Even though i know it will never be a baby now and i need to get it out. Its the baby that was there with a heart beating not that long ago and now its nothing. Nobody knows what to say to me and i dont know how im ment to act (you would think after 5 i would have it down to a fine art) Im scared i will never get another chance and im scared that i will fall pregnant again and have to go through all this again. I couldnt cope with this again. Id rather just get sterilised and never have to think about it again but i dont think i could cope with never having another baby again. Its all just fucked up. I feel so empty but im scared how im gonna feel when the baby is totally gone. is it possible to feel more empty.
I want to get really drunk and just forget but i cant forget i know i will never forget how this feels. it hurts the same every time it happens.

AitchTwoOh Wed 24-Jun-09 23:05:20

oh god, you poor thing. five times, ffs, that's just too much for a person to bear. i wish this hadn't happened to you, i'm so sorry that your wee pregnancy isn't going to make it. sad

liahgen Wed 24-Jun-09 23:06:57

sad

HolyGuacamole Wed 24-Jun-09 23:07:25

I have no experience of what you are going thru but I just wanted to say I am sorry that this has happened sad

You are not a bad person.

expatinscotland Wed 24-Jun-09 23:07:51

You're not shit. I'm serious shit and I know you can't be anywhere near as bad as I am so let that go right now.

I just want you to know that, okay?

You're not alone here, either.

MumHadEnough Wed 24-Jun-09 23:08:27

I'm so sorry for your loss yet again. I've only had one mc so I have no idea of the scale of grief you are suffering.

Are the docs doing some investigations to get you an answer?

dizzydixies Wed 24-Jun-09 23:10:18

am so sorry for your loss, I hope you have a lot of support through this - have the hospital given you options or offered your counselling? there are a couple of organisations who could help if you would like links?

starshaker Wed 24-Jun-09 23:11:36

they are gonna do tests not that it matters. Im single so the chances of finding somebody else are slim. This baby was the result of a drunken night with a mate who now hates me but it didnt change the fact i wanted this baby so much.

expatinscotland Wed 24-Jun-09 23:13:11

Nah, I'm still not buying the I'm shit because even after you just said what you did I'm still worse.

And doesn't mean you won't find anyone else and doesn't mean you're a bad person.

And doesn't mean it shouldn't hurt any less or that you're alone and don't deserve support here.

dizzydixies Wed 24-Jun-09 23:15:33

can I ask what age you are? 5 miscarriages does seem an awful lot for them not to have done tests sooner but hopefully now they'll get their act together so that when you decide to try again you may have a better chance. If you are young you will have time on your side to determine what the problem is and to work towards a successful pregnancy.

you have to take the time to grieve for your loss and be gentle with yourself, your 'mate' doesn't sound like the kind of support you need to be around right now

Wonderstuff Wed 24-Jun-09 23:20:34

So sorry. You are not a bad person and this is not your fault in any way (you know this really don't you?) It is not fair and you have every right to be angry, but don't blame yourself. I found this book really helped me come to terms when I miscarried.

neolara Wed 24-Jun-09 23:21:11

I'm really very sorry. It's just shit and not fair.

I've had four mc and I suspect that another one would have finished me off. Like you, after my last one, I really, really didn't want to get pregnant or think about being pregnant again for a long time. I also found myself thinking that I "should" know how to cope with mc - after all I'd been through it enough times. I think this just made it harder to deal with, almost as if I wasn't giving myself permission to grieve. It's bloody horrible however many times it's happened.

If it helps, have a drink and forget it all. As you (unfortunately) know, it's probably a matter of getting though the next few weeks / months as best you can. You'll feel crap, but eventually you'll get through to the other end and will start to feel better. It's just a horrible, horrible journey.

starshaker Wed 24-Jun-09 23:21:41

This is my punnishment for lying. I got a new sim and text my H pretending to be somebody else then told him her hubby called me and told me everything and i kicked him out. Some of you know what he was like anyway and id had enough and wanted him out but wanted him to be shown what he really was. The person he thought i was it turns out was somebody he had cheated on me with

expatinscotland Wed 24-Jun-09 23:24:43

Nope, it can't be punishment because if that's true than yep, I've still done worse!

So although you feel like believing that, I'm here to tell you, it's not true.

dizzydixies Wed 24-Jun-09 23:25:29

this is not your punishment for lying at all - there was a reason that this happened, its just not apparent right now but its certainly NOT some kind of karma intervention

you need to stop kicking yourself over this, what you're feeling is grief and it can manifest in several ways, this is one of them BUT beating yourself up for no good reason isn't going to make you feel better in the long run

you need to be KIND to yourself, you've been through more than any one woman should have to bare sad

starshaker Wed 24-Jun-09 23:30:40

you get junkies and all sorts that do everything wrong during pregnancy and they end up with kids. I did everything right, ate loads of fruit drank water avoided things and what do i have, nothing. I honestly think if i didnt have my dd i would see no point in being here but i have to try and be ok for her. But that means when she goes to bed i cant keep it in any longer.

starshaker Wed 24-Jun-09 23:31:09

im 28 btw

dizzydixies Wed 24-Jun-09 23:34:33

of course you did everything right but there may be something that needs some medical help to make it all ok. You can't know that until they've investigated and at only 28 you're young and healthy and they'll be able to help smile

am sure your DD is a huge comfort to you right now but its still ok for you to be sad - kids are more resiliant than we give them credit for

Wonderstuff Wed 24-Jun-09 23:40:52

It is not punishment. It is not fair, but no ones fault. Some good people lose children and some twats have hundreds. We all get told when we are young that life is unfair but the scale of the injustice is beyond comprehension. You did nothing to deserve this. You almost certainly could not have done anything to change the outcome. Be kind to yourself.

starshaker Thu 25-Jun-09 06:02:04

i am in so much pain. painkillers sre not shifting it and i cant sleep

starshaker Thu 25-Jun-09 07:17:13

Im scared. There is too much blood for this to be normal waiting on hospital calling me back

AnyFucker Thu 25-Jun-09 07:25:43

hope you are ok star

JackBauer Thu 25-Jun-09 07:29:56

Oh star, hope you are ok. Please stop beating yourself up, it is nothing that you did (although I know that will be small comfort right now)

Lulumama Thu 25-Jun-09 07:36:55

so very sorry to hear this, starshaker

must be so painful in every way

if you are concerned about the pain and bleeding then you must phone the hospital.

look after yourself

this is not a punishment for anything, it is the worst, most rotten bad luck, but not a punishment

hope you have support in RL

dal21 Thu 25-Jun-09 08:09:33

Star - I am so so very sorry. Please please please get some support. This is not a punishment. It is life being incredibly unfair.

I cannot imagine how you are feeling, please look after yourself. Is your mum nearby?

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