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What was the nicest thing people did for you when you had a mc?

(11 Posts)
Wonderstuff Mon 08-Jun-09 12:24:31

Friend just had an early mc, want to do something nice for her but not sure if flowers or something would be too much. She hadn't told many people and i don't want to upset her more iyswim.
I was glad to get flowers when I had my mc, but everyone knew and it really knocked me sideways, i just got a text from her..


misschatterbox Mon 08-Jun-09 12:30:27

I liked just knowing that my friend was there for me. Just having her visit to chat about nothing in particular was good, especially as my family aren't local.

AnguaVonUberwald Mon 08-Jun-09 12:39:43

Also for me, being able to still talk about it after the first month or so - people stoped talking about it and I felt like everyone was pretending it had never happened (which I am sure was totally unfair, but thats how I felt). Having someone who I could still talk about it to meant the world.

Thandeka Mon 08-Jun-09 12:41:37

Someone I didn't know that well delivered Orchids via interflora- that was lovely.

But also just having friends I could call in tears and who would come round if I needed meant the world.

temm09 Mon 08-Jun-09 12:56:00

Hi Wonderstuff

I had an MC just under 2 weeks ago and I am finding the best thing is willingness to talk about it and sympathy and understanding, especially being able to share stories and actually talk about the grim details with others have MCed, which you are perhaps in a position to do. Although I suppose everyone is different, and since she just sent you a text, she might not be ready to talk.

I posted on MN and someone said her friends bought her an orchid because they didn't want to buy her flowers that would die - she said she was so touched by their sensitivity. My DP bought me a stunning bunch of long-stemmed red roses, our favourites, but they wilted in the hot weather last week which made us both sad!

Also, everyone's advice is to do something nice for myself, like go for a massage or something, but I haven't done anything so if you want to go all out you could treat your friend to some pampering or maybe just an outing for tea and cake when she's up for it!

Just the fact that you are going out of your way to do something nice for her is lovely!

SCL Mon 08-Jun-09 13:00:17

Your poor friend. I was sent a letter by a friend who had had a mc and that really helped knowing that the feelings I had were normal and it didn't matter if I still sometimes felt sad months down the line, that it was NORMAL to feel like that. I was also given a bubble bath gift set by someone but couldn't use it as everytime I looked at it I just thought about the mc. I think just being a good listener is perfect.

coxy3005 Mon 08-Jun-09 21:30:26

Hi everyone, I had a missed mc at 12 weeks and I can honestly say one of the hardest things is not having support from friends! It was my first day back at work today after nearly 3 weeks off. I work in an office of about 10 half of them I consider to be v good friends well when I sent the text to everyone letting them know what happened (I texted cos I couldn't say it out loud) the replies came back all saying pretty much the same thing 'call me if you need me' 3 weeks later still had nothing from them during which time it was my birthday!!! Today at work no one asked me if I was feeling better it was just as if it never happened, I'm not saying I want people in my face saying poor you but some recognition for what i've been through would be nice especially as this is the 2nd mc I've had. I suppose what I'm trying to say is even if you have no wise words to say to your friend just show her that you care and she is in your thoughts even just a touch of the hand or arm with no words can be enough

Coxy xxx

cupcakefairy Sun 14-Jun-09 18:09:21

I think a lot of people find it very hard to talk about miscarriage as they just don't know what to say. When I came back to work, I felt like everyone was trying to ignore me, so yes, I agree a willingness to talk about it is DEFINITELY the best thing. Even 2 months on, I want to talk about it but feel I am being 'me me me' so I like it when my best friend checks I am ok every now and then.

During the time I was miscarrying, I was v lucky cos my best friend was off work and was able to come and be with me all day for the week between the scan and the medical management. We just watched girly films and chatted and it kept me from going insane thinking about the mc/crying all day in bed. She even just got in bed with me and chatted/slept..whatever really, just respond to whatever she needs.

My friend also took me for a facial 2 weeks after the mc which was really really lovely, just time to relax and relieve some of the tension I'd been feeling.

We had absolutely loads of flowers sent, and though they were lovely it was a little weird; we felt like we were living in a flower shop and then of course, they all die

Hope that helps, you seem a lovely friend to want to do the best by her

Confuzzeled Sun 14-Jun-09 18:25:36

My first MC, my friend took me to a quiet pub and fed me wine and fags. Then we went to her house and ate cake, drank more wine, smoked more fags. She said "Just think, you wouldn't be able to do this if you were pregnant." I was so drunk and had been feeling sorry for myself for a week, it was just what I needed.

I didn't tell that many people I was pregnant but I didn't want lots of sympathy, I think everyone is different.

My second MC, more people knew and I found it emotionally harder because I had my dd already and knew what it meant to loose a baby. My friends made a big fuss of me and dd, took us out to lunch and sent nice texts etc... It meant allot that they remembered my dd, got her a packet of pens and paper, they spoilt her a bit which made me feel good.

Hope your friend is okay, she has a good friend in you.

motherof2boys Tue 16-Jun-09 08:24:49

The best thing is that I know some people are still thinking of me and praying for the situation.

The worst is the people who know (my m/c was at 19 weeks so everyone knew) but who have blanked me (ie not even looked at me or said hello) or the 'good' friends who say 'time to move on, eh?'

just be there for your friend - it is better than any expansive gestures.

seeker Tue 16-Jun-09 08:29:45

I had an early miscarriage 15 years ago.

Every now and again my mother says "I still think about Clare, you know"

It's lovely to know that our little potential person isn't forgotten.

Another thing, remember your friend's DP. men are so often overlooked, and if they are trying so hard to be strong and brave it can be incredibly hard for them.

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