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Can't Let it go, please if you have been there?

(10 Posts)
Chocolatepenny Sun 07-Jun-09 21:16:22

Hi
I just posted on another thread about MC and I just realised I had myself been walkng around with a dead or failed pregnancy for 5 weeks before I had bleeding and went to the hospital followed by a MC a week later, (6 weeks) this was 3 weeks ago.
I can't get rid of rid mentally and I'm really a mess inside, and I feel I can't tell my DH and my family.
I feel so betrayed by my body I don't trust it anymore,
I;m really tired all of a sudden and can't seem to stay awake, I'm scared about it in case some how its made me ill even though I had a vaginal scan and it had all gone.
its haunting me and I've had some terrible dreams I have not had a natural period yet.
Can somebody who has been through it just talk to me please.

Chocolatepenny Sun 07-Jun-09 21:19:51

Just to add I was 12 weeks (on the week of my scan when I had my loss)

JessiLynn Mon 08-Jun-09 03:32:02

Hi, Chocolatepenny,

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I understand just what you mean about not being able to talk to your DH and family. It was the same with me. I also felt that my body had betrayed me.

As to your fatigue, that is very likely part of your grieving process. I remember being exhausted, and sleeping much more than normal. I had (and still occasionally have) nightmares, too.

Please be patient with yourself-- 3 weeks is not very much time at all to even begin processing this tragedy you've been through. It's okay to feel the way you're feeling, and while it's different for everyone, none of what you've described sounds abnormal.

Have you visited the miscarriage association webpage? They have some helpful pamphlets and numbers you can call for support from people who've experienced this themselves.

Please be very kind to yourself. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know. And keep posting here-- it really does help.

temm09 Mon 08-Jun-09 13:56:30

Hi Chocolatepenny

Thanks for posting on my thread - and now I'm here to offer you support. A natural miscarriage is such a hard thing to go through and seeing some of the things that comes out of us is very disturbing and I've also had some horrible dreams. Not just about the 'products' (horrible word) but also about the whole hospital experience. I have found reading all the threads, including ones that go into gory details, to be so helpful and I don't feel so alone. It's all quite gross and it feels like we're not supposed to talk about such things, but actually when it is so disturbing we NEED to talk about them (and these forums are the perfect place to do so).

I also know what you mean about being betrayed by your body, especially today... I went for my follow-up scan to make sure everything was out, and it seems to be, but it also seems I have a fybroid or a polyp, as well as a polycystic ovary. This is not the way it was meant to be! I have been waiting and waiting for years to start TTC - a bit more tricky in my situation since my DP is a girl and we are using a known donor. I got pregnant quite quickly which I wasn't surprised about (I actually expected it to work first time, so I suppose third time was good enough!) But now it looks like there might be complications - it might be nothing serious, but I'll need further scans and I can't help but feel exactly like you that my body has let me down. (My mother is of the opinion, and I suppose many others will be, that this is God's will as I am not meant to have children because of my sexuality but let's not go there now.)

Everyone's advice, especially on MN, is to allow yourself to grieve. I find that a bit confusing because I don't really feel a great sense of loss - I hadn't allowed myself to get too attached because I knew we weren't at the safe point. I do feel a sense of loss, but I don't feel I've lost a baby. However, I am starting to realise that grieving can mean many things, and can include grieving for my lost pregnancy and facing the fears I have of never having a successful pregnancy and allowing myself to think and feel all the horrible things. So my advice to you is to do the same, and allow yourself to feel tired and scared and angry at your body - but don't allow it to become overpowering or it will take over. It's important to keep sharing how you are feeling especially with your DH, but if you are struggling with that then share here on MN where you can just rant and rave and no-one's going to judge you. It might also help you to find the right words to express your feelings to DH. I think the worst thing to do is to shut him out. Don't let this MC take over and don't let it destroy anything else, especially your relationship with your DH and your DS.

It's early days for both you and me and I think there are plenty of ups and downs for us yet, so we need to give it time. If you need a hand I'm right here.

xx

BlueKangerooWonders Mon 08-Jun-09 14:14:28

I honestly think that until you've had a pregnancy resulting in a baby, then you don't really let it go, however deeply it's buried. so I think your feelings are completely normal.

But it really did help me to talk to people about it - esp those who were not quite good friends. I found the slight distance to be very helpful.

It's also very difficult if you don't want Uncle Tom Cobbley and all knowing that you are trying to have a baby - there's something about TTC that almost need to be private.

Once you do get your first period, it'll feel like a huge hurdle that you've got over. But then there's the pressure again of trying to get pregnant again.

Don't forget to keep your dh in the picture. Men can be so good at hiding their feelings that it's easy to forget that they'e shocked and grieving too. And he's probably feeling that he somehow let you down (which of course he didn't!!!) by not being able to protect you from this.

It will get better. It might get worse first.

Chocolatepenny Tue 09-Jun-09 17:54:55

Thanks for all your messages, I feel better for talking about it, Temm09 I'm sorry for all your troubles but really I think you are great, I wish you and your partner the best with trying again,..and we will right?! course we will

temm09 Tue 09-Jun-09 22:34:46

aw thanks Chocolatepenny

yes OF COURSE we'll get there, WE WILL!

pollmadoll Fri 12-Jun-09 23:13:13

I am a success story,I had four unexplained miscarriages.After a successful pregnancy.My son is now eight. I never believed it was possible but a miracle happened a few weeks after I lost one at 10 weeks. Ironically I am now divorced but have two healthy sons.I heard my now 5 1/2 year olds heartbeat for the first time at The Recurrent Miscarrige Clinic at St Mary's Hospital, Paddington.I was 6 weeks pregnant.I remember the excitement at the beginning, of a positive pregnancy test,and the soul wrenching of being told at the scan there was no heartbeat and facing a D&C.I found the Royal Surrey Hospital very dispassionate and what we all need after this bereavement is support and understanding I felt so alone as my ex husband has Aspergers.My heart goes out to anyone who has gone through this nightmare. Hang on in there and don't let anyone say 'is God trying to tell you something.'!!!!!!!!! PERSEVERE

temm09 Mon 15-Jun-09 17:31:56

Hey Chocolatepenny how are you? Been wondering how you are doing and if you are still riding the rollercoaster of emotions? Hopefully it's on an up stage!

Lovely to hear your story Pollmadoll it's so reassuring to hear the success stories!

lilacpink Mon 15-Jun-09 22:22:09

I held a friend's newborn, thinking I have one of these in me. Week later I was told it was a molar preg and at the second my baby 'died' it was replaced with a cancer scare. Luckily an ERPC worked and 6mths of tests I'm ok and now in early preg again. I'm still scared, and still go over the scan that went so wrong. Still feel a bit deceived by my body, but it does get 'softer' with time. It's hard to believe how bad it can feel unless it's happening to you, but at the same time you can be amazed at how much you can continue to do, I won't say 'how much you can get over it', it will always have happened, but at least with time it will have been last month, last year...

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