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Ups and downs of grief...

(56 Posts)
deanychip Wed 29-Apr-09 14:44:24

Are getting on my nerves now.

sigh.

am ok for a moment, then if i think, even jsut a tiny bit about it all, i fill up with floods.

Went to the Docs this morning, and couldnt stop crying. had been ok up till that point.

only needed him to write me a sick note fgs.

No one to talk to about this in rl.

no one interested anyway.

mistlethrush Wed 29-Apr-09 15:06:31

Deany - it does get better, please believe me. You will find, gradually, the ups get longer and the downs get shorter and occur less often. Every now and then you will probably have a down day/hour/10mins, particularly when you see a small baby, a pregnant woman etc - but it gets more bearable. ((((hugs))))

deanychip Wed 29-Apr-09 16:29:06

thanks.

sad

mistlethrush Wed 29-Apr-09 17:26:03

Sorry Deany - I could say the same sort of things that people always say - but that's not the point is it. When I had my first mc it was as if the world ended. I couldn't see my way past it. It had taken 4 yrs to get there then this. My ds (post that) is now 4 and has played a huge part in getting over 2 subsequent mc - just don't have the time to feel like that really, although it still comes up now and then. However, what you're feeling now will lessen and get easier. ((((hugs)))) - I know its not a mn thing to do, but sometimes they are really needed...

cyanarasamba Wed 29-Apr-09 18:08:07

I think I know how you feel. I miscarried last week and I find it scary that I can't control my emotions. It's a bit like when I was waiting to miscarry and was worried about going out in case I started to gush with blood.

It is a totally crap thing for anyone to go through. I know I will get over it to an extent (it has happened before) but it will never completely go away and I feel very jealous of those who will never know this pain. Which is very bitter and twisted I suppose.

(((hugs))) from me to and hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

HappyBump Wed 29-Apr-09 18:59:53

Hi Deanyclip
It's crap isn't it.

beanie35 Thu 30-Apr-09 06:36:46

Know how you feel. My 2nd mc happened a year ago, I do have more up days than down in the last four months or so. Yesterday a close relative announced her pg. This is the second family member to be pg within the last 5 months. Whilst I am happy for them, it is so hard to see them on a daily basis expanding, whilst I feel like a dried up old prune. Both of them told the family when they were only a month pg, so I have 8 months of 'the fixed grin' grin to cope with. It is hard to be constantly jolly about their news when inside you are thinking 'why not me too?'. You're not alone.

deanychip Thu 30-Apr-09 10:00:45

Thanks, i know it will get better.

Its so fucking shit, it really is.
All i want is a baby. We will be bloody good parents, we ARE good parents.

4 miscariages is not even close to BAD LUCK.
these things DONT JUST HAPPEN.
So i wish every one would fuck off with these stupid statements.

I suppose what really hacks me off is that no one has been near, family, friends, no one has been near.
As you can see i am not happy about this.
They owe me chocolate and hugs, some of them...those with the stupid statements owe me double fecking chocolate, and i shall be demanding it.

So there are several people at work who are pregnant,i counted them, 2 of them..so 1 pregnancy in 3 ends in miscarriage....that is me, but why does it have to be every time i get pregnant, why?
Why cant it be someone else for a fucking change, give me a break, for fucks sake.

Its got to the point that i dont want to hear about someones pregnancy, i just dont want to hear the news, because they all add up to 3.

why cant i do a pregnancy test and be excited, and have butterflies in my tummy like all other normal pregnant women?
Positive tests mean fuck all to me now, fuck all.

I am struggling with the unfairness of it all.

Today is a bad day for me, i am angry and emotional.
mmmm, wonder what joys tommorow will bring?

cupcakefairy Thu 30-Apr-09 11:17:14

Gos, Deanychip I'm so so sorry for your 4 mcs I've only had one and can't imagine what you are going through. Good on you getting it off your chest though!

Like you I've counted all the pregnant people I know and those I know who've mc...it doesn't seem to add up to 1 in 3 in my book!! And we will all be worried next time we test positive..we're with you on that.

It is truly crap, that is all that can be said for it...and totally unfair. Hugs to you today and angry!!! at the world!!

Mummyfor3 Thu 30-Apr-09 11:26:56

deanychips, my condolences to your recent and past losses. 'Tis crap, unfair, undeserved and IME nothing anybody says or does will make it better.
Allow yourself to grieve, eat as much chocolate as required to keep you going (for me it was chocolate or Prozac and chocolate tastes soooo much better), ignore stoopid remarks and let time pass.
You never know, that successful pregnancy may be around the corner... A friend of mine and I used to have a "competition" going about what was more miserable: me being able to become pregnant but not holding on to the pregnancies (4 MMCs), or her, who was unable to conceive and had unsucessful IVF attempts one after the other. Of course there was no "winner" in this sad game (gallow's humour, anyone?), and I am v v grateful that we both ended up with healthy DCs in the end (took 10 years for both of us shock).
I suppose what I am trying to say, grieve, cry, shout, be angry, but do not lose ALL hope. Making babies is a lottery; not winning this lottery is not a personal failure even if it at times feels like that.

Lots and lots of luck smile.

iggypiggy Thu 30-Apr-09 12:32:51

deanychip it's totally unfair - it just is.

I have only had one MC - which will be 3 weeks ago on Sunday...

I've just found out that a girl at work is PG - her dates are just 2 days differnt to me... it wasn't planned - it will be her second - the first she got PG with the first month she tried.

I am so inexplicably angry with her - and I can't help it. I can't talk to her, I avoid her all day... Then I go home and cry. should have announced my news today sad

Anyway - sorry - am rambling/ ranting. But there aren't any platitudes I can say that will help. It's unfair and it's rubbish and it totally floors you. And I hope that you start to feel even just a little better soon. xx

mistlethrush Thu 30-Apr-09 14:35:07

Deany - I've only had 3 - but the first came after 4yrs of trying and ended up as a mp - needing chemo. So that put paid to ttc for a further year, and the spectre of a potential further mp has hovered over my one sucessful pregnancy and 2 subsequent mc.

A secretary at work gave birth 2 wks before my last edd. And throughout that pregnancy there was no attempt to be remotely sympathetic about the situation even though it was known at work that I'd had a mc. This after I was very low-key throughout my pregnancy as another friend at work was having problems - she has since gone on to have two - and again didn't downplay the last pregnancy even though she knew of the 2mc post ds. And she had the gall to say 'I don't know how I'm going to cope'.

Yes, I still feel bitter when other people find it so easy. Yes, I still feel sad that my ds is very unlikely to be a big brother. I do, however, have a wonderful ds - who, after the previous experiences, was a bit of a miracle.

deanychip Thu 30-Apr-09 18:24:51

ahh thanks guys, and sorry for all of the effing and jeffing, just wanted to vent.

Wandering round in a haze today mostly.

Hoping tomorow will be better.

mistlethrush Fri 01-May-09 10:49:43

Deany - we all have had days like that. I'm glad to say that I've not had one for a while, although I still get the odd 1/2 hr now and then.

Hope you're having a better day today.

Jules80 Thu 13-Aug-09 23:00:09

Hi, I'm new to this. Yesterday .. I wrote a post coz i was scared what was happening to me- I was hoping for the best, but Im started bleeding and i lost my first baby.
Everyone is telling me don't worry there will be other chances and that your still young etc etc.
But i dont get it? why??
I know im not the only one that's gone through this but it feels like I am and everyone around me my mates and others have either got babies or are having babies and i feel bad to feel a bit envious. I cant help this, i don't know how ill get over it. The worst thing is that, it happened two weeks prior, but i didn't know anything about it.

Im so scared it will happen again. all i want is a baby???

can anyone tell me how im supposed to feel> I feel like im in tatters!

PolarBear74 Fri 14-Aug-09 08:37:25

Hi Jules - I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

I'm afraid that no one can tell you how to feel and it seems from mumsnet that we all feel differently.

I started off just shell-shocked and crying and now I am angry. I just can't bear to be near any of my friends who have babies or are pg but I know I cannot avoid them for long. I feel bitter and not sure what to do about it.

I'm sorry, I'm sure it will get better and till it does there are friends here who know how you feel

tiredandgrumpy Fri 14-Aug-09 08:48:03

I can remember that after my mc it felt as though I was expected to recover after a week. Friends etc would allow grieving for that time, but afterwards I couldn't turn to them for help. The grief hit me again after 3 months & with no friends I could talk to about it, I called the Miscarriage Association. The lady on the other end was wonderful. She couldn't give me any answers, but she was at least able to give me a sympathetic ear.

Mouette Fri 14-Aug-09 09:16:47

Dear Jules
I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my first baby last year at 17 weeks and felt as though my heart had been ripped out. I too was asking "why me?" and it felt as though I was the only one, though of course I wasn't. Sadly early mc are relatively common (1 in 5 or 6 pregnancies) but people don't talk about it and when you're pregnant you think everything's going to be all right. There's no rhyme or reason to it, it's just bad luck and very unfair. It's normal to feel envious - my sister in law gave birth 2 weeks after the mc and I could not even bear to look at her or the baby. And that lasted months.
It does get better, but you've suffered a bereavement - losing a baby is no different from losing a parent, or a friend, anyone you loved - so you must give yourself time to recover. You can't just "get over it" - it is normal to grieve and to grieve for a long time. I too found the Miscarriage Association helpful, and I also had counselling which helped. Take care of yourself, you have every right to be devastated and don't feel guilty if you're envious of friends who have babies. xx

Mouette Fri 14-Aug-09 09:18:29

BTW there's no reason why it should happen again - even though I was 37 and have a condition that causes recurrent mc I managed to have a healthy baby this year after 3 years of trying. There is hope, honestly!

squilly Fri 14-Aug-09 09:23:30

I found that my first mc was the worst because it was so unexpected. I was one of 6 kids with 10 nieces and nephews at the time, so breeding was what our family seemed to do best. The worst thing was the reaction of my close family. They were so shocked they just couldn't deal with it, so I had to be strong for them!

3 MCs after and finally we managed to get dd. One more followed which was more than enough for me, so we settled at being a one child family.

I found that the ups and downs of mc hit at weird, seemingly inappropriate, times. But I never beat myself up for grieving or being angry. I figured it's normal to grieve and be angry about pregnancies and my poor lost babies whenever I wanted to.

It's the casual way most people have with pregnancy that annoys me. The announcement 2 minutes after the pregnancy test that they're pregnant. The lack of concern for the early stage of pregnancy. The assumption (in most cases well founded) that everything will turn out o.k. It drove me nuts and stil makes me worried and envious even now.

I'm so sorry for all the losses on this thread. I think bitterness is par for the course with mcs. Pregnancy feels like the kind of thing that should be easy, so it feels doubly crap when you can't get it right.

I think all you can do is be kind to yourself. Don't try to meet other people's expectations of your grief. Don't expect others to be sympathetic. Unless you've been through it yourself I don't think you can understand it fully. And most of all just keep trying. If you can say you did everything you could to get your family, you have nothing to recriminate yourself with.

I hope you all feel better soon..

Jules80 Sun 16-Aug-09 19:56:50

Hi all of you.
I think all of your stories are so different yet so unique in that everyones been affected differently.

I do feel a bit better , but every now and again, somethng comes over me and i feel terribly alone, scared and so many other things despite the support and help I have had.

I find little reminders- the midwife only last monday gave me a book called Emma's Diary with loads of info and stuff, looking back at these things is such a huanting reminder yet I dont feel like getting rid of them.

I just want it to be back to normal and thats never going to be the case.

I hope all you ladies have better luck.

Thanks for all the support.

Please write if you have any useful tips!

sunburntats Sun 16-Aug-09 20:14:53

Ok so its been 4 months since i posted the first post on here. I am deanychip.

Since then, i asked to be referred to a gynae consultant.
I have had bloods for different things.
It seams that i am not ovulating, helce the 1-2 years to get pregnant.
I have been advised to take clomid.

At the time of posting originally, i was very raw grieving trying to make sense of why.

To me, although i still say its fucking unfair, i think that it was to happen for an important reason.

It IS easier, every one who said it would get easier were right.
I have something positive to focus on, i am getting answers to my frustration and questions....but i am also getting solutions.

Its a fucking shame that i had to have 4 mcs & had to ask to be referred.
Advice....do not let them fob you off.
Get answers.

popsy1 Mon 17-Aug-09 13:54:33

Hello all.
I've just read all the posts and i can relate to every single one, unfortunately.
I lost our baby boy, 6 months ago at 19wks. I never really understood the word heart broken or depression until this happened. I even thought of ending it all as there was no escape from the unbearable pain, it physically hurt. My best friend announced she was pg very shortly after i lost our ds, i was furious to say the least and haven't seen her for 5 1/2 months, until today. She is coming round today at 4.00hmm. I'm really scared, nervous and dreading it. But i know i have to do it sooner or later.
Sorry i'm rambling on, What I'm trying to say is there are know answers ( i really wanted them, felt it would make it seem almost bearable to know why me) people are damn right stupid at times and insensitive but it does (i really can't believe i'm writing this) get easier. Take good care or yourself and don't rush into things. There really isn't a time limit.
Lots of love xx

Ps Still not pg on 2nd round of clomid!!

Mouette Mon 17-Aug-09 15:48:00

Dear Jules: I created a "memory box" for the baby, with scans, cards people sent, dried flowers, even a little babygro Mum had bought for him. I found it helped me to grieve. It made the baby more real, commemorated the fact that he had existed and that I loved him. Some people buy something for the baby, if they hadn't bought anything already, or plant a tree/flower. I also named my baby and light candles for him in churches. I wish you all the best and hope you get support through the grieving process. xx
Dear Sunburntats: glad to ehar you are finally getting some help. I too had fertility problems and had to ahve an operation to conceive, then I lost the baby. I think perhaps because I have fertility pbs I was more likely to suffer mc because something was wrong to begin with. Good luck!

Mouette Mon 17-Aug-09 15:51:29

Dear Popsy: I think you are very brave. It is very difficult to see pregnant women/babies after a mc, especially a late one (which is really more like a premature birth than an early mc). I'm sure you will get through it. A good friend should understand if you're not as happy for her as you would normally be. I was expected to be happy for my BIL and SIL when they had the baby, and it was totally impossible as I tried to explain to various people! All the best xx

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