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Do you think my feelings will change in time?

(17 Posts)
pinkypanther Fri 06-Feb-09 21:33:45

Hello all. As some of you may have read on here, I had a MMC which was diagnosed at 9 + 4, they think our little bean stopped growing just after our early dating scan sad I had an ERPC two days ago.

We TTC-ed for a long while and eventually conceived on holiday. We knew exactly where the bean was conceived because the early dating scan pinned it down. Because of that, in my head, I named little bean after the place he (and I always thought it was a he) was conceived.

The thing is this: while we were away (and before we knew about little bean) DH bought a picture of the place where little bean was conceived because it is a genuinely beautiful place. The in-laws (who still don't know about little bean) had it framed for Christmas and it is now hanging on our wall.

I now can't bear to look at the picture because it reminds me every day of what we have lost. Do you think I should ask DH to take it down (he has no idea I feel like this)? Or do you think in time that I will look at the picture and think of how happy we were in the weeks after we found out I was pregnant?

Help please... (bit heavy for a Friday night but I am in recuperating from the op and I am ruminating on this!)

hester Fri 06-Feb-09 21:40:58

Oh pinkypanther, I'm so sorry for your loss. The feelings are terrible, I know. It's hard to predict how quickly you will feel better, but why not just take one day at a time and do whatever you need for now? Can't you ask dh to take the picture down for now, and see how you feel about putting it back up in a few weeks or months?

pinkypanther Fri 06-Feb-09 21:49:21

Thanks hester, I guess I could, but DH would ask me why and I'm not sure I can find the words to explain...and then I know I would upset him too and it would make it bad for both of us (whereas at the moment it's only really bad for me!)

I hate this, it's horrible.

BBBee Fri 06-Feb-09 21:52:04

this sounds awful.

i would tell him that you are taking it down for now because it makes you sad.

it will change. it will become less raw and one day the picture will be a comfort as it will be a way of remembering - but not now. it needs to come down for now.

hester Fri 06-Feb-09 21:53:02

Ouch - I do understand, but am sad at how alone you must be feeling with this. Obviously I don't know about your relationship, but just a thought: could dp be suffering in silence because he doesn't know how to support you in your grief? Might he be quite relieved if you show him a way he can help?

LackaDAISYcal Fri 06-Feb-09 21:54:31

I'm so sorry for your loss sad

I've had two mcs and yes it does get better and although you never forget the pain of it, it does get to a stage where it's bearable.

Talk to your DH; he may be finding comfort from the picture, but it's my guess he would be horrified if he knew how much it was bothering you. Speaking from experience of shutting my DH out after my first mc, it took us a while to recover from that but once we got talking about our feelings it became easier.

Perhaps it would be an idea to take it down for the moment, and I'm sure that you'll feel able to put it back up some day.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits Fri 06-Feb-09 21:57:32

I'm so sorry for your loss, I agree with LackaDAISYcal please talk to your husband as I'm sure he will want to know how you are feeling.

bosch Fri 06-Feb-09 21:59:40

pinkypanther you will find other reasons that your dh will need to know how bad you're feeling. This is just a catalyst. You need his support and he needs to know exactly how much support you need.

I've had two m/c, the second like yours, where the pg ended shortly after a scan but the m/c didn't materialise for another couple of weeks. It's just not possible, I believe, for chaps to know quite how much we invest in early pg. You need to give him an at least an idea of how you feel because he's going to need to understand how you feel when you go back to work, think about getting pg again, do get pg. All difficult, and you will manage them all, but all needing his support.

Don't be afraid to cry together, its immensely strengthening to a relationship. Sometimes, you can both be in need of 'permission' to cry. Dh may be frightened to talk to you about how he feels in case he cries in front of you or makes you cry...

Yes put the picture away but plan a way to display it again - can you take yourselves there again in happier circumstances and make some new memories, might take some time (years?) but will mean that you're not just hiding the picture away in a wholly negative way.

All my love, I do wish you good health and good luck. I was lucky enough to be pg again within 3 months of m/c i mention above and he's now upstairs, 2 1/3 and adorable.

pinkypanther Fri 06-Feb-09 22:00:34

Thanks BBBee, that's really helpful.

hester - DH is cut up too. I do feel like I can't mention this to him, because it really upset him the other day when I mentioned feeling sad about (name of little bean) and he said, don't call it that, it upsets me...so I haven't mentioned it out loud since then, although obviously every time I think about little bean in my head it is by the name sad

LittlePeanut Fri 06-Feb-09 22:04:04

You poor thing, how terrible for you.

We planted a tree when I found out I was pregnant. It just happened to coincide really (we had planned to buy a tree, and then I found out I was pg that morning). So we romantically thought that this would be our DD's tree - I always thought it was a girl. We had plans of telling her one day hof how we had planted the tree on the day I ffound out I was expecting her.

I miscarried at 17 weeks, and was utterly devestated. I also found it hard to look at the tree. But now (7 months later) actually II like the fact that we have a reminder of her. Whenever I look at the tree, I think of her, and not really in a sad way - usually. The pain does pass, or at least, gets easier.

Really sorry you're having to deal with this. I'll be thinking of you.

Wonderstuff Fri 06-Feb-09 22:04:20

I think you need to talk to dh. He might suprise you. I too had a mmc, we found at 10 weeks and I was floored by it. I was raw for about a year, I found I avoided talking to my dh when I was sad for fear of upsetting him, but really that was silly because he was hurting too and not talking to me because he didn't want to upset me.
After about a year I stopped trying to get over it and stopped beating myself up for feeling bad, when I gave myself permission to always feel a bit sad about it then I felt a weight lift, and ironically felt alot less sad.
We concieved again about 3 years later, and that pg was very hard, but was successful and we have a dd. When she was born we both felt sad about the baby we had lost, we felt that she was missing a sibling in a way, but that grief was brief, I think I cried twice, and dd is now 15mo and I haven't felt sad about the mc since she was newborn, I do feel very different now, really like the first pg happened to someone else. No doubt if/when we try for another my feelings may change again, but for now it is a sad, but distant memory.

Anyway, your dh may feel the same way and not be telling you.
I would take the picture down, but don't get rid of it. It may be that in the future you will want to look at it to remind you of your baby. At one point I worked out the birthstone of my first baby and brought a necklace with the stone which I wore often, I found it comforting to have something to focus my grief on.
There may also be a time when you are able to look back at the holiday and have fond memories of it.

Sorry to ramble

pinkypanther Fri 06-Feb-09 22:05:04

Thanks LackaDAISYcal, Libras and Bosch - I am sure you are right, we need to talk, but I guess I am scared of upsetting him too...it's so hard all this. I am so glad that this board exists because it's hard for me to talk about it in real life.

xxx

pinkypanther Fri 06-Feb-09 22:11:35

Littlepeanut - so sorry for your loss. The tree sounds lovely though and what a wonderful way to remember your DD. Hopefully the picture will be like that in time.

Wonderstuff - so sorry about your MMC. I like the birthstone idea too. I guess I need to realise that it's fine for me (and DH) to be sad about this and not just expect to get over it overnight.

LittlePeanut Fri 06-Feb-09 22:18:22

Thank you PP. I hope so too. Best of luck.

Forrester Mon 09-Feb-09 13:23:30

I know exactly how you feel. I had a mc 3 weeks ago, at 10+3, but I'd been bleeding since for 5 days already and the EPU thought I'd be ok, then I spontaneously lost the fetus. I think back to the holiday we had just had and I feel so sad because I was pg and it was doomed iyswim. Its very hard. I'd take the pic down and keep it, you may be able to look at it with happy thoughts in the future. x x x

all4us Mon 09-Feb-09 13:38:02

its rubbish isnt it..the feeling that you have when you see things that remind you..
I cant look in the cupboard at the top of the stairs..its full to the brim with books on babies..babies names...babies this babies that...pretty little things that my mum bought before I had my 3rd miscarriage..after 5 you would think id have learnt..but I still cling to some hope

The only way you will get through it is to do what you feel is right and natural..if you want to cry all day ..do it..if you want to read up on everything and anything do it..if you want that pic down..until you feel strong again ...then do it..its a loss which ever way you look it..be gentle with yourself

x

pinkypanther Tue 10-Feb-09 18:36:51

Forrester and all4us - I am so sorry about your MCs. Life is really cruel sometimes sad but I guess hope is all there is...

I haven't yet taken the picture down but DH spontaneously mentioned he might take it to work to brighten up his office so I am going to encourage him to do that I think rather than ruin it for him as well!

I'm a bit up and down at the moment, but it's great to be able to come and vent on here - at times it has really kept me going.

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