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Miscarriage after IVF and loss of spouse

(18 Posts)
Izabella Sun 19-Oct-08 21:56:24

I am so sorry to see so many posts on this board.

This week has been a particularly sad one for me. I miscarried twins at six weeks. They were concieved posthumously as my Dh died of cancer a few years ago. This loss is infinately worse though. I already have my DD and I feel judged for having the audacicty to want another child in my situation. When my Dh died, I could say goodbye along with family and friends at his celebrqation service. Now, there is no goodbye, no cards to say how sorry people are, no one asking how I am feeling and how I'm coping.

The truth is I am bereft and the one person who could really comfort me in this isn't even here to do so. When I got my BFP, I felt like after five years I could finally look forward to the future and to being a whole family again (although my Dh will always be missed). The deep yearning in me to have another child, to complete our family has grown ever since my DD was born and even now I just can't shake it. The dream of having these lovely little darlings in my life has been most cruely shattered and once again I'm back in the blackness of grief. Sorry for unburdening like this but I've got nowhere else to share this stuff.

ClaireDeLoon Sun 19-Oct-08 22:03:38

Oh Izabella, I am so very, very sorry. I don't what else to say. Please don't say sorry for coming to talk about it here. I just wish I could say something helpful apart from sorry.

BecauseImAWitch Sun 19-Oct-08 22:08:11

I am so sorry to read this. I can't imagine how you must feel, but just wanted to acknowledge your post. sad

hester Sun 19-Oct-08 22:12:06

Izabella, I'm so very very sorry. You must be devastated. Who is helping you with your grief? If no-one, could you find someone? Do you think it might help if you had some kind of memorial ceremony for your twins?

Sorry if I'm just firing off inappropriate suggestions. Please do carry on sharing as much as you find helpful. We'll be here.

FattipuffsandThinnifers Sun 19-Oct-08 22:16:48

I am so sorry. Miscarriage is hard enough, and brings such a sense of loss, let alone in the situation you are in. It's such a double whammy to have this grief without your DH to share it.

Are you getting any support? From family, friends, grief counselling, miscarriage counselling services? I hope you won't mind me asking, but do you have any other eggs/embryos frozen to try again?

I hope you can take some comfort from your DD.

So sorry for your loss.

DelGirl Sun 19-Oct-08 22:21:38

Izabella, I can only post briefly now but please CAT me if you would like. I have been in the exact same situation as you and it is mind blowingly devastating. So, so very sorry for your loss sad

neolara Sun 19-Oct-08 22:23:02

I'm not surprised you are devastated. You had the chance of having your family back and now that chance has been shattered. I'm so sorry for your your losses. Don't feel bad about sharing your pain.

Izabella Sun 19-Oct-08 22:55:03

Thank you so much.

My parents have really been supportive but of the few others that even know I've been trying for another child, there has really been very little. I think the expectation is for me just to get on with it and be grateful that I have my DD.

I have a few friends who have had miscarriages and it has been really helpful to talk to them, but its at night when I'm all alone that it just seems to hit me. I will ask my GP about counselling as it really helped me when my Dh died.

I want to remember my babies with my DD so I have bought a special memory box to put their scan pictures in. Sadly, I don't think I can share that sense of rememberence and memorial with anyone else as even members of my family won't acknowledge that these were my babies that have died, my little darlings and as much loved and wanted as my DD. And yet all I get told is 'It wasn't meant to be' or 'These things happen to plenty of women'. Thats why I find myself in such a lonely place.

sundew Sun 19-Oct-08 23:04:37

Izabella - I can't even imagine the pain you must be going through at the moment, but just wanted to say that I and many other MNetters will be thinking about you over the next few days, weeeks and months.

I am so sorry for your loss

Uki Mon 20-Oct-08 11:00:43

Dear Izabella.

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss, I am very saddened to read your story.
Miscarriages are hard enough, although your grief must also be compounded by your missing of dh, and your emotional conception of IVF.

You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting another child though. that seems very natural to me.
miscarriages bring up alot of past pain, it is a tremedous loss, and fuelled by hormones too.
I planted apricot trees for two of my losses and that helps a lot. At the moment your grief is very raw, but it will get a little better soon.

Will you be able to try again? I hope that doesn't sound insensitive, but trying again, did help me and makes the LO all the more worth it, when it happens.

Have you asked your IVF clinic for a counsellor, i'm sure they would have one.

Thinking of you

rubles Mon 20-Oct-08 11:25:20

Izabella,

Miscarriages are awful things and unfortunately it seems you may have to have experienced one to know how badly it can affect you. Other people can only imagine and guess and so may have no idea of the truth of what it feels like, and so sadly can say some fairly unhelpful and crass things.
Have you rung the miscarriage association? 01924 200799 is the main number. They will be very sympathetic and should be able to find a person for you to talk to.

One thought I had reading your post was that maybe as well as the grief for your loss of your two babies this was also bringing back the grief for the loss of your husband all over again? In which case would a revisit to your bereavement counsellor help, do you think?

Izabella, you had such a difficult road to travel to conceive your babies, your devastation is completely understandable. Keep talking on here and to people who have been through it, and hopefully soon you won't feel so alone. Mumsnet is always here for those late night hours.

Take care xx

Izabella Mon 20-Oct-08 20:00:36

Uki, I plan to try again early next year.

Rubles, I will definitely have some counselling.

I spoke to my MIL today and asked her if it would be ok to put two teddies, to represent the babies on Dh's grave and she said it would be ok so I will do that when I am strong enough.

Today was not better, but just different. I haven't cried so much but just feel numb. I know the emotions will come in waves and can hit you without warning, so I am taking a day at a time.

Thanks so much for all your kind words. It really makes a difference to know that others have been where I am.

92108 Sat 25-Oct-08 08:41:16

Izabella,

I am so sorry for your terrible, painful loss. Don't let anyone make you feel judged for wanting to have other children to remember your DH. It is a wonderful way to honor his memory. I hope your next try goes perfectly well.

LittlePeanut Sat 25-Oct-08 08:46:02

What a terribly sad situation. So sorry for your losses Izabella. Is there any chance you can try again? Or was this your last chance at IVF?

Izabella Sun 26-Oct-08 20:31:42

I plan to have another try at the end of Feb next year and I know I will be strong enough when the time comes even though I feel far from it right now.

I have been in touch with the Miscarriage Association and they have given me the details of a local church which holds services for little ones who were gone too soon. The next one is on the 9th of November and I paln to go and remember my two babies.

phdlife Sun 26-Oct-08 20:38:48

Izabella I am so sorry for your losses, and I hope MN is able to help just a little. Please share as much as you need to, that's what we're here for.

scamperT Sun 26-Oct-08 21:52:14

Izabella, so sorry you lost your twins, and also sorry your DH is not here to comfort you. Putting the two teddies on his grave sounds like a lovely idea. Please know that there are lots of people reading MN who will be thinking of you xxx

RottenOtter Sun 26-Oct-08 21:55:00

no words of wisdom

just try to be strong

i hope you try again - you and dd are beautiful

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