Missed Miscarriage - Why are some people so bloody insensitive?????

[chubbymummy]

Last week (9 weeks pregnant)after some light bleeding I was sent for an early scan. I was told that there was no heartbeat and the pregnancy had terminated at 6 weeks. I am due to go back for another scan tomorrow to see if the "products of conception" have passed by themselves (they haven't) I will then need an operation to remove them under general anesthetic. After trying for this much wanted baby for the best part of a year I am devastated.

My boss (who is not usually very good with this sort of thing) has been fantastic, telling me to take off as much time as I need. But some of the people who I expected (and needed) to get support from have really upset me with their insensitive comments or actions.
When I told my Dad about my loss he asked me why it had happened and said "Did the doctor say there was anything wrong with your plumbing?" he then went on to tell me it could have happened because I'm overweight. He hasn't even bothered to ring me to see how I am since I told him.

2 of my close friends have told me that it wasn't even a baby at 6 weeks and it was just a ball of cells so I should just forget about it and try for another. (to me I was 9 weeks pregnant, almost 1/4 of the way through the pregnancy and the baby was a much longed for brother or sister to ds).
Another of my friends who knows about my situation has moaned to me about how fed up of being pregnant she is and although dh thinks he is being supportive he was out all day Sunday rehersing with his stupid band and he's been out playing football with his mates since 7pm. He will return for a shower anytime now then head back out to meet them in the pub! He knows how worried I am about returning to the hospital tomorrow but it hasn't crossed his mind to stay home with me. He also told me that he can't get Thursday off work because he's got a really busy day then so if the op is then can I take someone else with me to the hospital????? I lost the plot at this one and screamed blue murder until he agreed to see what he can sort out. I'm so annoyed with him that I don't really want him there anyway if he's going to be so unsupportive but I've nobody else to take me.
To make matters worse my Mum is on holiday at the moment and I haven't told her because I don't want to ruin her holls. My mil is also away but gets back tomorrow, I'm dreading her return because she doesn't know yet either and if the comments from other people have upset me I'm sure they will pail into insignificance when she opens her mouth because she is an evil witch who gets her kicks from making other people unhappy.

Sorry for such a long post I just needed to vent and I'm feeling very sorry for myself as I'm sure you can tell.

[chubbymummy]

I've just read that back and I sound like a right self pittying cow! The fact is in real life I haven't really talked to anyone about how I am feeling (tried to tell dh but he just said, don't worry we can have another). I am trying to stay positive and keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have ds when some people have repeted miscarriages and others never manage to have any children.

[Habbibu]

So sorry for your loss. It's grim enough, without having to face crass comments. My pet hate was people complaining about being pregnant, tbh... FWIW, I've had 2 ERPCs this year (molar pregnancy, long story) and although I was very very nervous, it was absolutely fine - the GA is so light, I didn't feel groggy or sick at all, and had no ill-effects. Take care of yourself - it's very hard, but it will get better.

[SesHasapinkline]

chubbymummy - really sorry to hear about your mmc and the insensitive comments you're experiencing.
I had a v similar experience in April when I went for routine 12 week scan and was told the baby had died at 6 weeks. Work were sympathetic but some of my friends and family just didn't seem to understand. I've learnt that only those who have been through similar truly understand and MN has been my biggest support.

Take care if yourself and keep posting here if it helps.
((((hugs))))

[andiem]

chubby so sorry to see your news when I had a missed mc dh was in the states my mum came over to be with me mil rang and said never mind dear better out than in just as I was about to have the ERPC
I never forgave her
people are insensitive and it does hurt I still think about my 3mcs even though I now have my 2 lovely boys
the ERPC was fine just a bit of period pain afterwards and all the staff were really nice
take carex

[Aitch]

you don't sound like a self-pitying anything, although now is the PERFECT time to feel very sorry for yourself, for your partner and for the wee baby who might otherwise have been in your arms in a few short months.

people are idiots, unfortunately, they say mad things cos they want to fill the gap. sometimes you need to hear 'oh fuck i'm gutted for you' but people want to somehow cheer you up or distract you.

well here's the newsflash... you're sad and you've every right to be. time will help, getting pg again and meeting your baby will help, but right now it's okay to feel sorry and sad. i'm so terribly sorry that you've lost this wee one, concentrate on yourself and your partner for this next wee while and let any comments wash over.

[Flum]

Well its tricky. I think the woman takes these things so much worse than the bloke. All the husbands of miscarriers I know say that it didn't really feel like the loss of a baby to them - even my brother and they lost a baby at 20 weeks after 6 years of trying for a second child.

I have always felt SOOOOOO pregnant as soon as I have done test, woudl always feel like a HUGE loss so I get you. I think a lot of people just don't though.

A bit of outwardly diverted anger won't do you any harm - might even help you heal a bit so slag away!

[Habbibu]

Flum, have to say, for Dh's sake, that he was in pieces when we lost dd1 (21 weeks). He's a sensitive wee soul, though.

[kd73]

Chubbymummy, firstly let me say how sorry I am. I've walked in your shoes and was devastated. It took me 4 yrs to conceive and we had just announced it to family, when we had to "unannounce" it. So please believe me when I say I understand...

People are incredibly insensitive and often say the most inappropriate things, I don't believe that the comments I heard where a) original or b)said maliciously. In time, I hope you will look back and forgive the comments. I can now but it took an awful long time.

There are some great support threads, which saw me through many dark hours and remember you have the right to be a)incredibly sad and b) furious.

On a positive note (is there one???) my partner and I found a hospital rememberence service and planting a tree for our much loved and cherished baby a great comfort.

Good luck in hospital and I hope that you will find some peace on MN.

[Aitch]

dh was very conflicted when i had the ectopics, outwardly he hated seeing me hurt and in a weird way blamed the babies and wanted to move on. however, later he told me that this was on the surface, whereas deeper down he was gutted beyond belief because his kids were gone.

[chubbymummy]

Thanks for all your quick responses.
Well dh just came home from football and caught me having a good old cry. He said "oh, do you want me to stay in with you?". After telling him how thick he is for needing to see me upset before he worked that one out I told him that a bit of support wouldn't go amiss. He's now nipped to the garage to pick up some drinks and a dvd.
I feel a bit better after my rant but let down that it had to come to this.
I'll post again tomorrow to let you know how the hospital went.

[Habbibu]

First baby DH ever held in his whole life was tiny dd1. I'll never forget it.

[lovelysongbirddrippinginblood]

chubby i am so sorry for your loss and very for you esp at your dad, what a twat.
i was told that too, bullshit its not a baby.
insensitive bastards

[Aitch]

oh habs that has made me cry...

[EllieG]

Am so sorry for what you are going through. You are NOT being a self-pitying cow, I know how a MMC feels, having had one, and you should have supportive people around you at moment. Trouble is, I don't think anyone really understands how this feels until they lose a much wanted baby. This was not a 'bundle of cells' but your baby, and you are grieving a child and a future you will not have. After mine, my DH said he thought my baby wouldn't go to heaven cos 'it was too small to have a soul' - I think my sobbing after that gem made him realise how much I didn't need to hear that kind of rubbish and he was fantastic from then on. But talk to your DH. Tell him how you feel. And also remember he will be grieving too - just in a different way. Mine shut things out and went a bit business as usual-ish, but when I explained how I felt things were much better.

As for other people - tell your nearest and dearest how you feel, and when you find things hard or hurtful and they can help you. Other people - ignore 'em - they are stupid.

x

[Aitch]

sorry to hijack chubby.

[Habbibu]

Sorry... bit of a hijack there too...

[andiem]

chubby hope all is ok tomorrow

[hester]

Chubby, I'm so sorry to hear your news. I've been there, and yes people do say the most APPALLING things. You have every right to grieve for your lost child, and to have that loss taken seriously by those around.

Take great care; look after yourself.

[LittlePeanut]

So sorry for your loss chubbymummy. I found that people just don't know what on earth to say, so just end up saying something crass/ insensitive by mistake.

If i had a pound for everyone who said something along the lines of "ah well, it's nature's way..." or "just one of those things" god, that drove me mad. It did NOT make me feel any better, and sounded so bloody flippant, and dismissive.

The thing is, a part of me was looking for someone/ something to be angry with. So I probably pounced on these insensitive little nuggets with more passion than I normally would.

What I mean to say, is try to rise above the ignorance. Most people really do not mean any harm (your MIL excepted, obviously!). Anyone who has been through it knows how much it hurts. It was not a bunch of cells. It was your baby, who you had hopes and dreams for. Take time to grieve. I promise you it will get better in time, but you will never forget.

So sorry.

[neolara]

Firstly, I want to say I'm very sorry about your baby.

It's very hard to hear insensitive comments when you are still reeling from the news about your loss. I've had four miscarriages now and I've found that lots of people say the wrong thing. Some people who have not experienced miscarriage genuinely do not understand how distressing it can be. I certainly didn't before it happened to me. Others don't know what to say and end up saying the wrong thing by mistake. And some people don't know that you have miscarried and make really distressing comments. I think that there are very few people whose inappropriate comments come from an unkind place - mostly it is due to ignorance or nervousness.

But I have also found that great kindness has come from the people I have least expected. When I discovered that I had had a missed miscarriage at my dating scan I was devasted, but three years on I find I can see that some good came out of a horrible situation. I became a lot closer to some of the people who were very kind to me through that horrible time and I was later able to support them when they had their own losses.

I also think that lots of men do not feel the loss of a pregnancy as much as the mother, although obviously there are exceptions. And I think this can be particularly true when there is no obvious bump or outward sign of pregnancy. Of course, it is always possible that your DH is also very upset but is dealing with it his own way.

It is a horrible time. You will feel very sad for a while, but eventually you will start to feel better.

[kingfix]

oh so sorry for your loss, it is a dreadful thing to happen and a dreadful time. Since having a m/c i sort of wish people talked about it a bit more...it's only after i had one that lots of my friends said they had too and you can almost guess who has by who says 'just a bunch of cells' or (from my mum) 'if there's something wrong with the baby it's better to lose it' and who says something helpful. If more people who hadn't had one heard this sort of dicussion would fewer people say such rubbish things?
Hope you have a good night in with DH.

[Izzybel]

Chubbymummy, I'm so sorry to read about your loss . You are not self pitying at all - you have lost your baby and have every right to be grieving! I had a mc at 9-10 weeks two years ago and it was utterly devastating.

Just a ball of cells? WTF!?! From the moment that line appears on that white stick it is a baby! A baby whose future you start to plan and prepare for. How dare these people say such things!

You usually find that people who have never been through it don't seem to understand, but not understanding why smeone is upset doesn't give them the license to be rude and tactless .

Please take care of yourself xx

[chubbymummy]

Thanks ladies, your messages have really helped me realise that I am not alone and that it's normal to feel the way I do. I'm sorry that so many of you have been through similar experiences and loosing your daughter at 21 weeks must have been truly awful Habbibu!
I want back to the hospital today and they have given me an appointment for an ERPC tomorrow morning. I'm dreading it but at least then it will all be over (physically anyway).
My in-laws are back from their holls tonight and I'm not looking forward to breaking the news to them. I'm already having (hypothetical) arguments with my mother in law in my head as I know she will say something unkind. I just hope dh is back from work when she comes round as she won't be quite as nasty infront of him. It's ridiculous that I'm stressing about telling her so much but I just haven't got the energy for her today. Oh well, I suppose at least when I'm worrying about what she will or won't say then it's taking my mind off the worrying about tomorrow! God, I'm such a stress head!!!!!!!!!

[SesHasapinkline]

Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Make sure you take plenty of time to recover emotionally and physically.

Also hope your MIL isn't as bad as you think she will be - even if that does sound quite miraculous.

[ChocolateEclair]

Chubbymummy - I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and wanted to wish you good luck for tomorrow morning.

I also had a mc, at 7 weeks, and I agree it definetly is not just a ball of cells - that was our much wanted baby that we had found a place for in our lives and picked out a few favourite names for.

As has been said, I do think that very few of the unkind and hurtful comments are made out of nastiness, people genuinely don't know what to say and feel they ought to say something, so end up saying the wrong thing.

One lady at work said to me something like "well you career girls are always rushing round you know - babies only come when your body's ready" - I actually could have thumped her. Then the next day, she gave me the loveliest card saying how sad she was and how she hoped I was ok! My own Mum said my body had "rejected" the baby as there must have been something wrong with it. She has turned out to be one of the most supportive overall!

I do totally sympathasise - only women who have been through this really understand. A thought about your dh though - mine appeared fine at the time, he was more worried about how I was coping, then about 3 weeks later he just fell apart - I think it's a guy thing.

Hope it goes OK with the MIL -

Big hug for tomorrow xxxxxxxxxxx