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My heart is breaking all over again - how do I find the strength to go on?

(21 Posts)
minmooch Tue 30-Sep-08 09:49:27

I have 2 ds from my first marriage agesd 12 & 11.

I have suffered 3 mc with my DH2 at 8 weeks, 12 weeks and 5 weeks.

In May I discovered I was pregnant again and then thrilled to find out that we were expecting identical twins.

I felt honoured, blessed, chosen, special to be given this very precious cargo to look after.

At 10 weeks we were told that they were showing signs of TTTS and it has been an horrendous roller coaster since then of having OK scans followed by scans that were terrible.

I eventually went to see Prof Nicolaides at the Fetal Medicine clinic and was then rushed to Kings College at 21 weeks pregnant for laser treatment, followed then by a blood transfusion on my bigger baby.

Last Tuesday I was given the devastating news that neither of my beautiful girls had made it.

Katie and Anna were delivered peacefully on Thursday at 5.45pm and 5.55 pm.

Although they were only with us briefly Katie and Anna will always be loved and never forgotton.

I am filled with so much grief, shock, disbelief, anger and hatred. How do I carry on?

AttillaTheHan Tue 30-Sep-08 09:53:32

Oh Minmooch how terrible for you sad sad.

I don't have any words of wisdom really but wanted to let you know I am here and thinking of you.

They are beautiful names and I'm sure you will find a fitting memorial for Katie and Anna.

Keep your family close and give yourselves time to grieve. Also feel free to come on here to vent or just for support.

AttillaTheHan Tue 30-Sep-08 10:02:08

Am still here if you want to chat.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt Tue 30-Sep-08 10:06:12

Oh Minmooch, I'm so sorry.

minmooch Tue 30-Sep-08 10:13:12

ATH - thansk for responding and I do need to vent.

I expected to feel grief and sorrow but am being overwhelmed by feelings of anger and hatred.

Anger at what has happened to me and hatred at nearly everyone else for their lives just continuing.

I have had terrible rows with my DH and my Mum. And I am terrified that I will lose my marriage through all the heartache.

It is my first wedding anniversary this Sunday and our first year of marriage has been so full of shattered dreams, traumas, hospital visits.

My DH has not been married before and not had children. This has been a tough start to a marriage.

I feel that I have let him down, let my DS's down as they have also been so excited at the prospect of having twins.

I feel like I am bobbing in the sea - at one moment the sea seems calm and then the next a huge wave comes over me and I feel I am struggling to keep my head above the water.

I am angry at my Dad for suggesting I might have post natal depression - I wanted to scream at him that I had just delivered two dead babies only days before - could I not be allowed to grieve just for them without it being labelled as something else.

Sorry but I needed to let some of that out.

AttillaTheHan Tue 30-Sep-08 10:27:55

Oh Minmooch you haven't let anyone down. You have been trying all year (by the sound of it) to add to your happy family life. It is not your fault that this has happened.

I'm no expert on marriage but the fact that you are worried that it may have suffered due to the events shows that you obviously care about your marriage. In some ways your anniversary comes at a good time (iykwim) as you can spend a bit of time together talking or just being together.

I'm sure things will get easier, you sound like you have had a dreadful year or so. You really deserve a break. Just don't give yourself a hard time and take things at your own pace. I'm sure your family are trying their best to support you.

Vent as much as you like smile

deckchair Tue 30-Sep-08 10:29:16

Minmooch, sorry to hear your sad news.
I would think your feelings are normal.
Thinking of you.

ggglimpopo Tue 30-Sep-08 10:31:22

I am so very sorry.

Please see your gp and ask for counselling to help you through this.

cupsoftea Tue 30-Sep-08 10:31:33

So sad for you minmooch xxx

minmooch Tue 30-Sep-08 10:34:06

Thank you all - I do think that I need some counselling to get me through this - it is just too huge to deal with.

To top it all mother nature is playing her last cruel card - my milk came in yesterday and my boobs are hard as nails and painful. sad

cheesesarnie Tue 30-Sep-08 10:35:24

ive no advice but wanted to say im so sorrysad

LouMacca Tue 30-Sep-08 10:41:17

So very sorry to see your post, my heart goes out to you and your family sad

Thinking of you and your precious angels Katie & Anna x x

My friend's little girl Ruby was stillborn last year and I know she has found great comfort from SANDS. I hope that you can find someone to talk to who understand what you are going through.

georgimama Tue 30-Sep-08 10:44:54

I'm so so so sorry, I read your other threads about your pregnancy and I so hoped that the news would be good in the end. I didn't post as I have no experience of TTTS.

Your poor Dad is probably trying to help, I know that is no consolation for what feels like insensitivity. Scream if you want, I would.

sadminster Tue 30-Sep-08 12:23:04

minmooch, I'm so sorry, you've suffered an enormous tragedy. No-one should be hurrying you through the grieving process.

I bet Katie & Anna, were so beautiful.

I've found SANDS helpful too, there's such a taboo around pregnancy loss, being with people who really understand helps so much.

I can realte to all the feelings you've written about.

Our hospital offer a milk-supressing pill to bereaved mothers, do you have a breavement midwife you can contact?

Habbibu Tue 30-Sep-08 12:43:04

Minimooch, I am so so sorry for your loss. It is so soon, and so raw and painful. I remember the overwhelming rage and fury when my dd1 died (she had anencephaly) at 21 weeks in June 2005 - it was extraordinary and unexpected - I thought I'd be sad, and I was, but I was so angry so much. And I think I needed to be - it was my way of dealing with terrible hurt.

So I talked about it with DH, asked him to simply let me be angry, and really didn't talk to anyone else for a while. My sister was pregnant at the time, and (this sounds awful) I could not talk to her until a couple of weeks after my niece was born. I know she found that very difficult, but accepted it, and I now have a very good relationship with her and her daughters. But it took time, and you need to allow yourself that time. I found myself shutting family out a lot - but did keep talking to DH, which helped a lot.

We're 3 years down the line, and have dd2 now, who is great. I miss dd1, but have found a place for her loss in my life. I recently had a molar pregnancy which brought those feelings back to the surface, and am dealing with a low-level version of the anger I felt, and you're feeling right now.

Losing Katie and Anna is so recent and so raw - try not to have too high expectations of yourself right now. Everyone deals with grief and loss in their own way - mine was fury, and it sounds like yours is too. I felt better when I accepted that it ws part of my grieving process, and was just as "valid" a feeling as anything else.

Use here (and SANDS) to vent - it's a good place to say all the things you might be afraid to say to family and friends, and keep talking - talk about your girls as much as you want, and your anger and hurt. there will always be someone to listen.

MrsMattie Tue 30-Sep-08 12:46:16

I am so very sorry for your loss. That is just heartbreaking. I can't imagine how you would not feel totally cut up, angry and devastated by this. You must, must, must give yourself time to get over the terrible shock, first and foremost, and then to grieve properly. Approaching SANDS sounds like a good first step. My heart goes out to you and your DH sad

mumoverseas Tue 30-Sep-08 13:45:00

minimooch, am so sorry for your loss. Really have no words for advice but simply couldn't read this and not post. Please know that you have not let anyone down, your husband or your sons. None of this is your fault. I can't imagine how you feel but I'm guessing it is hard for you to talk to family and friends. There are a lot of us on here for you so please talk to us anytime. Thinking of you x

loobeylou Tue 30-Sep-08 14:23:10

minmooch - so sorry for your loss sweetheart, i lost a DD at 20 weeks 5 yrs ago, so i do know how you feel. Go easy on yourself, apart from the shock and trauma of a major bereavement, you are also suffering very confused hormones at the present time!

are you having a funeral for Katie and Anna (beautiful names), and do you have keepsakes such as photos, footprints. we found these things incredibly helpful. I have a box with all DDs things in it including a small pink rabbit that I would just sometimes cuddle up in bed with and cry into.

even if you are not at all religious you will find the hospital chaplians are very experienced in these matters and will be willing to be shouted and screamed at and to help in any way they can.

Just now every day will be a bad day for you, it is so soon. But in a few weeks you will find you have days, or part days when you don't cry at all, you will feel guilty at managing to raise half a smile at something, all of this is normal. Having to get on with day to day life for the sakes of your existing children will be a help to you, you will find strength you did not know you had.

the milk thing is a cruel cruel thing, this may sound absurd but chilled cabbage leaves inside yr bra really do help, my milk lasted about a month, which was hell, if you wanted you can get meds to dry it up quicker .

you loved your daughters and had hopes for them and how they would forever be a part of your family. you will never forget them as you are their mummy. no one expects you to.

dads have a tough time too.Dh probably wants to try to be strong and supportive and look after you, and his needs get overlooked. You can ALL get counselling, asking for it is NOT a sign of weakness. your kids may also need some help coming to terms with this family tragedy

there is a book called empty cradle broken heart which i also found helpful, along with boards like this, to remind you that so many have been through similar, and there is hope for the future

sending you a hug x

LOVEMYMUM Tue 30-Sep-08 16:30:59

I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through.

Please use mumsnet as a support as much as you need to.

PootleAndThePoseysMum Tue 30-Sep-08 18:03:48

Minmooch, words just cannot express how deeply sad I am to hear that your beautiful baby girls Katie and Anna have died. Its simply horrendous and I am so very,very sorry for you and your family. You have had an absolutely hellish year and I cannot begin to imagine how you are coping with daily life.

I have had miscarriages in the past and my overwhelming feelings were always of utter rage, hatred, despair and devastating grief. Its completely normal to feel these raw emotions for quite a while after such an enormous tragedy.

You are in my thoughts and will be for a long time. I am so very sorry.
x

loobeylou Wed 01-Oct-08 12:39:46

minmooch - how are you doing? please come here often, it really does help

hugs to you

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