How do I get through this?

[monkeybumsmum]

Found out at 12 week scan yesterday that the baby stopped growing a couple of weeks ago. Have to go in for an ERPC on Thursday.

This comes after a miscarriage at 8 weeks in May. This time round I've had hyperemesis and been in hospital on a drip - have been feeling awful for the last 6 weeks and haven't even been able to look after ds (18 months).

I just can't believe this has happened again. I keep wishing that we could turn back the clock and for yesterday not to have happened. I feel so upset at having missed my little boys first summer walking, and having been so poorly and all for nothing.

What on earth do I do? Am dreading Thursday - last time round I found it the most difficult part of all. I just want my baby to stay where it is, it's not ready to come out yet. I don't want to have to leave it in some hospital somewhere.

Somebody please help me through this, I just don't know what to do. It hurts so much.

[Pooky73]

Hi there... I am right with you hun and it's fecking shite! I miscarried this week and had an ERPC on Tuesday. My body feels like it's been hit by a 40 tonne truck and as for my emotions - well they are all over the place... We also had a miscarriage in April and in a way that was harder because it was our first & we were SO excited and assumed that all would be ok. This time round we expected the worst when I started spotting but it still feels as though my heart is being torn from my chest.
So hun - I have no idea other than let your body and mind do whatever it needs to do - rest, cry, throw things, yell, get mad, curl up in a corner and tell the rest of the world to piss off, cuddle up with your man and your little man - whatever makes you feel better at the time...
Take comfort in your little boy - I do so wish I had a child or even a pet to help me through this but I don't... And just look after yourself.
In a way the ERPC helped as we were then able to move on and grieve as a longer wait would have beeen even more unbearable - so I feel for you in this waiting time...
I've probably not been any help - I just wanted to say that you are not alone & if you ever need to talk or offload - please do so. Take care xxx

[MUMBLEB]

hi im so sorry your having to go through this pain. life relly seems unfair! doesnt it? when i miscarried at 5 months i too could not understand why life was being so cruel and again at 4 months trying to find answers to my 1oo1 whys!!!! in one month i lost my nan my mum miscarried and so did i!! it was the hardest time ever! but i got through as you will you need to allow the grief its time. give that little one of yours lots of hugs & kisses coz at times like these words are hard to find.5 children later i'll never forget my 2 lil bubas they'll remain in my hearts always as yours will too my prayers are with u all stay strong xx

[monkeybumsmum]

Thanks for your messages... Pooky and Mumble, I am so sorry too for what you've gone through. It is just so unfair sometimes, and there's no rhyme or reason to it.

Am feeling a bit numb today, so am veering between being okay and then it hits again and I get upset. I don't know what I would do without my little boy to be quite honest, and can't bear to be away from him. How you would get through this without a child I just don't know. Pooky you must be a very strong lady, and you have helped, thank you.

Last time I mc'd I just was desperate to get pg again straight away, almost like I was avenging what had happened. This time I want nothing more to do with it. Am wondering whether I'll ever have another one... Pooky do you feel like that too? S'pose it's normal having gone through so much heartache

[Mamabea]

Monkeysbumsmum. So very sorry that you lost your baby, absolutely heartbreaking and very hard to go through it twice.

Such a painful time before MC 'begins.' Baby still a part of you.Do give yourself lots of time and get lots of support-emotional and practical if possib;e over the next few weeks/ months...

MC is awful. I think there is a certain poignancy in miscarrying once you are already a mother. so utterly awful.

Mine is a similar story to yours.

I wish I had marked the babies short lives/ formalise their deaths, given some dignity somehow to them... I wanted to plant a rose bush or such like- but didn't.

I fell PG successfully straight after 2nd MC- and carried to term. Still grieved for baby/ ies who died and continue to feel as if I am a mother to more than the two very lovely girls I have. However, rawness of MC's has passed-time does do that.

I wish you all the very best. will think of you.

[Mamabea]

can totally, totally understand about not wanting to leave baby in hospital.

talk to the staff, tell them how you feel.

have you anyone to talk to...do you want my e-mail?

[Pooky73]

Hi again... The up's and down's are a real rollercoaster aren't they? We are the same, desperately trying to put a brave face on and not be miserable, we have a laugh & then it hits me again & I just want to sob or throw things! He doesn't get it as he just 'wants to move on' but I've got pregnant, had symptoms, lost and bled (sorry if TMI), and suffered with the emotional and physical side effects of 2 miscarriages in 4 months! So I can't move on just yet - it's too bloody hard and painful. I don't know if I'm strong - right now I feel anything but... As for trying again - I'm torn there too... The thought of TTC again, temping, charting, shagging at the right time and to order - urgh - I really can't face that again... But I really want to be a mom & just when I was needing counselling for the 1st MC, I got PG again & it helped - gave me a focus, a future to think about - and although I was still grieving for #1, I had #2 to concentrate on. Now I just feel lost.
We're telling everyone that we are leaving it for a bit, trying again in the new year - but I can't see us waiting that long - we will probably keep going and if we do manage to get PG again before then - just not tell anyone - saves the heartache of the 'untell'.
I put together a little box for both of the PG's - text messages from friends, midwife notes, pregnancy tests etc and they are like a keepsake if you like. We too will find some way of remembering the lost souls - planting a tree or something like that - I think that will help too.
In the meantime it's taking comfort and peace from wherever you can & taking each day at a time... If you ever want to 'chat' away from here - I can email you if you'd like... Meanwhile take care xxx

[Pooky73]

monkeybumsmum - just wanted to say hi, hope that you are doing ok & show support for tomorrow. I have a vague idea of how you must be feeling so I just wanted to pass on best wishes and hope that you find comfort soon... Take care & look after yourself xxx

[calsworld]

monkeybumsmum, I'm so sorry to read this, I went through a mc last week too, I should have been 11 weeks.

Its quite soon to start thinking about what happens next, maybe give yourself some time in the here and now to deal with whats going on both physically and mentally.

I'm so glad you have your DS (my DS is 21 months), take comfort in him, perhaps you could plan an activity with him to 'make up' for some of that time you feel you've lost with him?

Thinking of you, x

[Teuch]

MBM, I'm gutted for you to hear this sad news. I'm another one with a mmc...just under 12wks but everything stopped at 8wks.

I can only advise from my own experience, but if you can do something with DH and DS today, to help pass the time and take your mind off for a spell, that would be great.

I found the surgery and hospital experience to be far less traumatic than I expected, and you need to concentrate fully on your physical recovery for the next week or so.

I found that the emotional stuff didn't really hit full force until physical recovery was over - I had that awful feeling that I had nothing to show for all those weeks of prenancy and months of ttc, that you refer to already. Cry with your DH, get support from your family and friends where you can, and spill out all the anger and frustration and sadness to them and to us.

Have no expectations of yourself, and ignore other peoples'.

Take comfort in your DS - you have proof that your body can do this! And take care.

[monkeybumsmum]

Pooky, thanks. How are you doing? I think it's normal for men to not really understand how we feel. They begin to process what's happened from the moment they hear the news, but with all the physical things going on with us, that's impossible. I've found myself almost believing that everything's still fine, but am sure that after tomorrow my mind won't be able to trick me like that. Did you have to wait long before you had your ERPC? can't figure out whether a wait is helpful or not. You're very brave to be thinking about ttc again - for whenever that is, and whenever you're ready, I wish you all the luck in the world x

Hi Teuch, I remember reading about your mmc, I'm so sorry. Think you're right about emotions not hitting yet - after the weekend I've gone completely numb. Had to go to the hospital on Monday for blood tests etc, and didn't feel a thing when I saw other pregnant women. I feel nothing. Am dreading tomorrow because I'm wondering whether I'll start feeling again after the ERPC. Last time I had it done I felt like I was being torn in half - leaving my baby all alone in a strange place when it was still supposed to be safe inside my tummy

Hi Cal, was so sad to read about your mc too. It's unbelievable how many people go through this heartbreaking ordeal. We are very lucky to have our ds's aren't we. I can't bear to be away from him at the mo, and am finally starting to look after him again after weeks of not even being able to pick him up. We're going away on Saturday for a week - just want to spend some time as a family. How are you doing this week? It's just such a shock isn't it. Thinking of you too x

Mamabea, thanks for your messages too. I'm so sorry that you had to go through 2 mc's but it certainly gives me hope when I read that you then went on to have babies. Re leaving the baby it's a bit difficult to talk to the nurses/doctors - I'm in Belgium, and although I can just about get by in French it would be beyond me to explain how I'm feeling. Maybe it won't be the same this time, I hope not anyway.

[WorzselMummage]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss

I had a MMC in February and it took me a good while to be able to think straight.

I know what you mean about not wanting to leave your baby in hospital, when i had my last ERPC i asked when i came round from the anasthetic " what have you done with my baby" to be told by the nurse that " it was only a little bit " I felt like screaming.

You will feel better in time although you wont feel like yet, if your anything like me you will wake up one day and feel as if the smog has lifted and you feel a little bit normal.

[HairyToe]

Tears in my eyes reading some of these posts and its been over two months since my ERPC.

When I went for the operation I was holding it together fine until I was on the table waiting to be anaesthetised when I had a minor panic attack , holding on to the nurse and saying "I don't want to say goodbye!". Even though the foetus was dead I'd taken some kind of comfort from it still being inside me and it felt wrong to somehow let them tkae it away from me

monkeybumsmum - the hurt does die down gradually, as everyone says it takes time.

[Pooky73]

monkeybumsmum - your posts are so touching - your concern for other people shines through - you are one remarkable and compassionate lady. It must be agonising waiting for the ERPC - I can understand you feeling numb - maybe that's your way of dealing with things before the surgery - gives you a focus if you like (albeit not pleasant).
I didn't have this long wait like yourself - fortunately it was all over and done with in a day. I'd been spotting since Saturday, Bank Holiday weekend and had to wait the 3 days before I could see anyone on the Tuesday (that wait was horrendous enough).
Admitted on the Tuesday, 11 week scan, baby had died at 8ish weeks and had the ERPC about 2 hours later. I didn't want the surgery and am still coming to terms with it emotionally, but the thought of waiting it out like some, or being in agony etc I couldn't face.
Physically it has taken me nearly a week to fully recover from the op, as I'm one big lassie and they must have shoved and pulled me about cos I hurt like hell everywhere once I woke up. And it's only now that the emotional stuff is kicking in... But time really is a good healer and am getting there slowly...
So glad you have a break to get away from it all - that will really help and bring you & your family close together as a unit - and it is that support and love that will get you through this. I'm heading off to the beach next week - alone as DP has to work - but being on the sea-front (and the glorious gale force winds we are expecting) will hopefully give me a lift and ready me to face work again at the weekend.
So... (very long post - sorry!) Big virtual hugs for tomorrow and be kind to yourself x
To everyone else who has been through this too - am so sorry - and thank goodness for these forums... xxx

[Pooky73]

And ps - MBM - your little lad is absoluetely adorable! A real cutie xx

[VeryKeenForABean]

So sorry about your mmc, will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Give yourself the time and space you need to grieve properly and make sure you have all the support you need. The Miscarriage Association were really helpful for me, you can download leaflets etc here.

xx

[Diege]

Oh Monkey I'm so sorry to hear about your baby. I remember you from the wagon thread -I too had a mmc in July, at 10 weeks, and can totally empathise with what you're going through. I remember particularly the feeling of leaving the baby behind in the hospital. There's no easy way through it, but you will get through - it happens to so many women as mumsnet attests to - and we are all here for you xxx

[calsworld]

Hey MBM, just checking in to see how you're doing, and to let you know I'm still thinking of you. Try and get some rest tonight, though I know it will be difficult. x

[monkeybumsmum]

Thanks guys, don't know where I'd be without the support of MNers...

Am starting to feel panicky now, like I'm running out of time. HairyToe I can completely relate to what you said. It has provided comfort that the baby is still with me. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to let it go. I read in an article a while ago about someone who'd just had her second mc, and she said that she chose not to have an ERPC, and said that she would give her baby 'house room' for as long as it needed it. That's a bit how I feel, but then I know that I won't be able to start coming to terms with what's happened until the physical side of this is over. Why is this so difficult?

Can't be long as my aunt is arriving this evening to look after ds tomorrow for when we're in the hospital. Thank you so much to everyone who's posted, you have no idea how much it means xxx

[Thefearlessfreak]

MBM - I'm so sorry to read this thread and really feel more of the pain & heartache that of course you didn't express on the ante natal thread. I can't offer more than my best wishes & real sympathy for all the losses you are experiencing.
As others have said your compassion at this time is humbling - you have even taken the time to comfort others. I have no words really .. . .my thoughts are with you xx

[ClairePO]

monkeysbb I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I felt the same way - I wanted my body to let go naturally not have it taken away from me. I hope that things go as well as they can tomorrow.

[calsworld]

MBM, thinking of you today, I really hope you're being looked after well. My heart goes out to you at this difficult time

[monkeybumsmum]

Thanks again for the messages. I had the ERPC yesterday, and I suppose it went as well as it could have done.

Some results had come back from the tests we had done on Monday, and it showed that the baby's heart probably only stopped last week, although it was 2 weeks smaller on the scans. It obviously wasn't developing properly, but it explains why I've still been feeling ill as my HCG levels were still classed as very high on Monday.

We've got to go back in October to see if they managed to find out a reason for what happened, although I know it's unlikely. My doctor also said we could then start trying again, but I don't think so... There's only so much heartache you can deal with at one time.

Am still feeling numb, although for split seconds, every so often, I feel overwhelmed with grief. I don't think it's really sunk in yet.

I hope everyone else who's posted on this thread is okay. Let's hope that the future is brighter for us...

[calsworld]

MBM, I don't know what to say that can possibly make you feel any better at this time, except please spend plenty of time with your DP/DH and DS and give yourself plenty of time to recover. This last week that I've spent at home has been really helpful to allow myself plenty of time to work through things emotionally...although I'm in no way trying to compare our experiences.

I also think its important to not make any decisions until you've had time to recover physically and emotionally.

I firmly believe, and I know plenty of others do, that the future is brighter and our time will come. x

You only have to look as far as the 'MC Avengers' ttc thread to find lots of women who have been through very difficult times and still find the strength to look forward...they've been inspirational to me, not that I'm ready to ttc quite yet but just reading about other peoples strengths has given me a lot of positivity for the future.

[Pooky73]

MBM was thinking about you these last 2 days wondering how you were doing...
Totally normal to feel how you are feeling, my first week at home after the ERPC I spent in a daze trying to recover physically, before dealing with the emotional stuff...
So try to take time out for you, and be kind to yourself - allow yourself time to grieve, and lean on the support of others who care for you...
In time I hope that you find peace, and can look to the future with renewed hope and optimism...
Take care xxx