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Feeling really odd after miscarriage, any words of wisdom?

(17 Posts)
wook Mon 18-Aug-08 19:40:26

I miscarried two weeks ago at 9 weeks. It was quite traumatic with heavy blood loss etc I just feel so strange since and my moods are very unpredictable- one minute I'm philosophical, the next crying for no reason. I guess this is just hormonal and will settle down? Every time I think I'm getting better something seems to set me off again.
I also feel that I don't really want to face anyone, particularly two of my friends- one is my son's best friend's mum- she's about six months pregnant. The other has just had a baby girl. I know it is illogical, but I just feel sort of angry with them. I get very upset thinking of the age gap there will now inevitably be between my ds and any other child I have in future (four years at least)
When I see people with double buggies, or three under five or whatever, I just feel so envious.
I'm dreading going back to work in a fortnight (school, on holiday at the moment) as I don't know what to say when people ask how the holiday was.
All in all, I think I just want to crawl under a stone and stay there for a while.
Please tell me this is all normal?? I feel so strange!

Chants73 Mon 18-Aug-08 20:31:42

really sorry to hear what you have been through-your feelings are totally normal-you need to be kind to yourself and let yourself be sad/angry etc.

I had a missed MC in May and no one mentioned how I would feel after and particularly did not mention that hormones would cause random emotions-which of course they did. I went from being fine one minute to bursting in to tears when I saw parent and child car park spaces. I spent many car journeys driving home from work in tears simply because I had to let it all out, or not being able to look at pregnant women and so forth. One of my team's wives was about to have their first child when I MC'd and I ended up having to take him to one side and (whilst crying) explain to him that i could not control how I reacted to his wife's pregnancy, but I was happy for them and did not want him to feel he could not talk about it when I was around-that made things easier between us. Have avoided seeing all friends with kids since....

be gentle on yourself-I know I'll never go back to how I was before the MC, but there is light on the otherside.


wook Mon 18-Aug-08 21:20:03

That is so reassuring- just can't believe the way the feelings just come from nowhere and hit me sideways. Thanks, I know I'm not cracking up now!

Habbibu Mon 18-Aug-08 21:22:14

Oh yes, normal normal normal. It's grim, but you will get better. Take tissues and mascara to work - I spent a lot of time in the toilets after I lost my first baby... So sorry for your loss.

onepieceoflollipop Mon 18-Aug-08 21:22:15

So sorry to hear about your loss wook.

I had a mc many years ago, and remember being really hard on myself and thinking I should be "over it"

About 6 weeks after the event I ended up crying on my (male boss) who wasn't the type you would expect to be sympathetic. He was so so kind to me, disclosed that his ex-w had been through similar and urged me to give myself more time. Very wise words from him which really helped.

fryalot Mon 18-Aug-08 21:28:29

totally, totally agree with what the others have said.

Tis totally normal (and logical - to me at least) for you to feel like this, and also for these feelings to come on suddenly when you're not really expecting them.

It will take time, you have suffered a loss and you need to grieve.

Miscarriage is way more common than I think most people realise, there still seems to be a culture of keeping it secret. Please don't feel that you can't tell people what has happened. I suspect the vast majority will know exactly what you are going through.

jojo76 Mon 18-Aug-08 21:33:26

Hi Wook, I'm so sorry you're going through this, it is so so hard. I lost my first at ten weeks and like you had a lot of bleeding, it was all so traumatic. I was very tearful for a few weeks afterwards, and just felt so bereft. I can remember just sitting at the top of the stairs and sobbing. I think all of the feelings that you describe are so normal. I think it does take a long time to come to terms with, take things slowly and be kind to yourself and let yourself feel how you feel, it is a bereavement, so give yourself time. Mine was about four and a half years ago now, and I've had two boys since, but I still feel sad when I think of the one I lost, but that raw feeling you have now will heal, it just takes a lot of time.
You're definitely not cracking up, sweetie, I hope you have lots of support and it starts to feel a bit easier soon xxxx

mum2jai Mon 18-Aug-08 23:08:00

Sorry for your loss. I lost my baby at nearly 21 weeks just over 2 months ago. I couldn't see at the beginning how I could ever function again - the loss was utterly crushing. But bit by bit I have started to regain myself. I went back to work after nearly 4 weeks - the first couple of weeks I was useless - but have slowly found my stride again.

And although I have found each new thing an ordeal (the first time I took my eldest to school after the baby died, the first kiddy birthday party, the first family wedding etc etc), I gained strength each time.

I will never be exactly the same person I was before Jai died, and you may find that's the same for you too. But you, the person you really are, is still there and will come back to you in time. You need to look after yourself, and let yourself grieve.

I agree with Squonk. I found loads of people I knew had had miscarriages. And I found all those people such a support to me. It made me realise that most women don't have it easy in pregnancy, and that for every baby you see, there's often a lot of loss that's gone hand in hand with it.

Having said that, I do understand what you feel when you see other women with babies. I reacted very strangely after I lost Jai - I kept looking at all those other women wondering if I should warn them that their babies could die. Mad, I know, and I would never have predicted that's how I would respond. And it isn't suprising that you feel envious of other women but I think one of the reasons why is because miscarriage is so hidden.

From the outside it looks as if I've had it easy - I had 3 babies in 3.5 years starting when I was 33. But you can't tell from looking at me that I had 10 years of infertility before that and have recently lost a baby quite late on.

But don't be too hard on yourself. It's normal to be on the emotional roller coaster after a loss like this. Look after yourself. I'll be thinking of you.

HanniJay Tue 19-Aug-08 20:44:05

So sorry to hear about your loss. Please don't be hard on yourself - it will take time, and having spoken to others, many say they are still surprised by their feelings and reactions a long time after. I have felt almost ambushed by my emotions at times since my ectopic, but it is settling. I couldn't believe how many people knew how I was feeling once I admitted it to them - so many people will be more understanding than you think. Take care of yourself x

orangehead Tue 19-Aug-08 20:48:55

so sorry for your loss wook. It all sounds very normal. I would just burst out crying everytime I was saw a baby or someone pregant. I felt envious and angry too. Look after yourself and dont be so hard on yourself. Thinking of you

daisy5 Tue 19-Aug-08 22:26:16

Yes, although I am over 40 and feel time is of the essence, I understand now why they recommend allowing a few months (usually 3) before starting again. For me it is 10 weeks since the mmc (at 11 weeks) and it just occurred to me today that I was starting to feel a bit more on an even keel. It is such an emotional turmoil.

Just today I read the statistic that 1 in 3 eggs in women over 35 are 'not right' and I guess that is why so many people have miscarriages. Many of these pregnancies don't make it to 4 weeks, and most of the others result in the heartbreaking miscarriages (I know it is lower for younger women).

I truly understand now why people say 'it wasn't right and wasn't meant to be'. But when you have already poured such love on a little one, even at such an early age, it doesn't feel right.

wook Wed 20-Aug-08 17:41:11

Thanks so much all of you, I feel so glad that I am not having abnormal reactions and that so many others have felt the same. Think I was thinking I should be tougher and take it all in my stride more- now I know I not only can't but also shouldn't!
I think if anyone at work asks then I won't bottle things up and pretend I had an ace summer.
I'm so sad to hear all these stories of loss, I wish it was talked about more. The midwife at the hospital told me she thought the 1 in 4 statistic was probably in need of revising upwards, especially since many women are now conceiving for the first time in their thirties, so your statistics about the eggs make sense Daisy- it's scary!

CassieM Wed 20-Aug-08 22:59:29

Hello everyone. I just wanted to say that I can relate completely to your feelings, Wook. I was pregnant with my first child, but was told at the 12 week scan on 12th August that my baby had died at 9.5 weeks. My husband and I were (and still are) heart broken. We opted to return to hospital for the tablets to encourage miscarriage on Thursday 14th August. The hospital staff were all fantastic. I am still struggling with my emotions; one minute I feel quite positive about the future, the next minute I can be in floods of tears which last a long while. It is frightening having a seeming lack of control over my feelings, but I know that it is completely 'normal' after what I've been through. I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that I understand what you're going through, although we wouldn't wish this on anybody. My sister in law is pregnant with her second child and had her five month scan today - they're having a boy and are over the moon. I am extremely happy for them, but it does bring out feelings of anger that things haven't worked out for us this time. I think, as people have said, we have to give ourselves time to grasp what has happened and to try to come to terms with it. I send you hugs xx

wook Thu 21-Aug-08 15:28:15

Hugs back XXXXXXXX I had a good old cry last night, feel so much better for it. Spent the day with FOUR pregnant frineds, it was hard!!

TheFamilyFromOneEndStreet Thu 21-Aug-08 17:43:35

I have found how I feel around pregnant friends really hard as I then feel bad about the way I feel bad iyswim!! I read in a leaflet (? miscarriage association - good info) about not feeling guilty for your feelings and think that is good advice, although hard not to! It's so hard to express to other people - but one good friend said to remember that I wouldn't be any happier if something sad happened to other people and, as that was true, it helped me feel better about being angry/jealous. Wierd how much better having a cry can make you feel isn't it?! Hugs to all xx
PS (I have just name-changed from HJ)

IVFMommy Fri 22-Aug-08 00:55:15

I am so sorry for everyone's losses. I found out that I lost one of my twins today at 13 weeks. I am beginning to see that it is more common than I thought and that it is OK to have a mixture of emotions. As of right now, I feel like I have been hit by an 18-wheeler.

The doctors had told us that it was OK to tell people that we are having twins. I don't know how I will handle people asking me about it all the time. I don't have it in me to stand strong and tell them at this point, and I don't want to break down all the time. Any suggestions on how to handle this?

mum2jai Sat 23-Aug-08 16:42:30

IVFMommy - I'm not sure I have any suggestions but I'm very sorry for your loss. The same thing happened to a work friend of mine a few months back. I think she found it really hard because everyone keeps saying at least she's got another one coming - as if that should make her feel less bereaved. In fact the loss of one of her twins has just made her extremely anxious about the other.

I've had similar experiences about my recent loss at nearly 21 weeks. A couple of people have said it's not so bad for us because at least we have other children. I know what they are trying to say - our other children are a blessing and that helps which is true - but as I always say, if I had told you my mother had died you wouldn't tell me my loss is any less because I still have my father.

You have lost a child, your baby, and it's awful - and that's all there is to it. But you will have to stay strong and look after yourself because you have another small life depending on you. The baby you have lost will always be part of your family and its history, and he or she will also be part of your surviving baby's life.

I wish you all the best and hope you are getting good support in RL too.

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