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Coming to terms with a missed miscarriage at 12wks

(37 Posts)
blogmumuk Fri 08-Aug-08 17:33:40

I've just signed up to the forum and didn't expect to be asked if I was pregnant in the registration. It was a bit of a jolt. If you'd asked me a little while ago, I'd have proudly said yes, but now am coming to terms with my first miscarriage and feel completely numb. Getting pregnant for the first time was so exciting. And we'd decided to wait to tell friends until after the scan, I'd already got my eye on some cute baby bits which I thought I'd treat myself to after the scan, we'd talked about names, even seen a pram we loved. I'd had a bit of spotting, but neither of the classic signs of miscarriage, not the pains, not the heavy bleeding. But as we had our first scan at 12 weeks there was this awful moment of silence that just went on too long and I just knew. The screen was dark, the sonographer was struggling to find anything on there. And then he explained the baby had no heartbeat and was only 5 or 6 weeks old. He was extremely kind and tried to throw us a lifeline talking about the dates being out, but I knew they couldn't be that out. And so I'm now recovering from an ERPC. It can be a lonely place at times. I know no one who has been through this and while I know I'm far from the first and definitely won't be the last person facing this, and that chances are next time it will be happier news, the right here and now is hard. I go from fine to tearful in seconds. I know there's no answer, no reason why it happened to us, but be nice to hear from anyone who has been through this and knows how it feels.

WorzselMummage Fri 08-Aug-08 17:57:28

Oh Sweetheart, its so shit that you have been though this, i am so sorry for your loss

I had a missed miscarriage when i should have been 13 weeks in february this year, our baby died at 8 week which we found out at the scan, i was heartbroken, i still am really. I spent 2 months in a horrible bitter crying rage type mood and i was very hard to live with, i think thats normal though and how i grieve, everyones different but what ever you experience will be normal. Don't stifle your tears, find someone who's good at talking and cry on their shouldar how hours if that helps you. I didnt really have anyone, Dfs as much you as tits on a bike when it comes to things like that and all my close girl friends were also pregnant so i felt they were off limits, i am sure that made healing myself much harder.

I found this board a godsend and Bounty too.

You will feel better in time, i promise

sarah

xx

shazzaren Fri 08-Aug-08 18:00:45

Hi blogmumuk. So sorry to hear about your loss, you must be gutted, it is never something you expect at 12 week scan and I feel so so sad for you. You will feel all over the place for a few days or weeks while your hormones settle down and your body gets used to not being pg anymore so be kind to yourself and dont try to justify your feelings as you are going through alot emotionally and physically. Have been through missed miscarriage also with ERPC so understand how it is. Any questions just ask, look after yourself though and keep reading the threads and you will see how many people go on to have healthy babies after a miscarriage (or several). sx

sue10 Fri 08-Aug-08 18:09:12

Dear blogmumuk,
i am so very sorry for your loss, having had a mmc myself i know how very sad and lonely one can feel. Hopefully the hormones will soon calm down but dont rush yourself as its tough physically and mentally. Takecare my lovely, it will ease.
XXX.

EBenes Fri 08-Aug-08 18:10:31

I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through exactly the same thing with my last pregnancy, and it was much more emotionally difficult than I expected it to be. I remember trying to cheerfully reassure the doctor at the scan that I was fine while tears just rolled down my cheeks. I also found a lot of comfort here on mumsnet; there are so many women who have been through the same thing and understand. I felt very empty and shocked and as though I didn't really know what to do next because I'd already adjusted my life to being pregnant. But more than that, I really felt the loss of a little baby I'd started to think of as real. It still makes me sad. I hope you're surrounded by people who care and will help you through this.

blogdad Fri 08-Aug-08 19:02:00

Thank you all for your support, it's so nice to get such lovely responses and also to hear back so quickly. It has lifted my spirits.
I feel like I'm only just starting to get over the physical thing of my body having to go through an operation that I never imagined I'd have. And now am dealing with an infection and antibiotics etc as I'm sure many people do, but it feels like another knock.
Feel like haven't yet had chance to let myself feel how I feel. It moved so quickly from the looking forward to the 12 week scan and all the celebrations that would bring, to suddenly the screen being dark, telling the excited parents, the news having to be officially confirmed five days later to suddenly being in a gown and being talked through the risks of the operation. I was very lucky that everyone was so kind to me at the hospital and I couldn't have asked for more in terms of being looked after there. My husband has been great and had my mum to look after me when he went back to work a few days after the operation so have been well looked after by my little team. But I think it's going to hit me soon and hit me hard that our baby, due on Valentine's Day, isn't to be.

blogmumuk Fri 08-Aug-08 19:05:33

Sorry, I didn't realise that I'd accidentally logged in as my husband on my reply. Still getting used to using this! Blogmumx

cornsilk Fri 08-Aug-08 19:08:32

Sorry for your loss blogmumuk. You are right it is a lonely time. There's always someone to speak to on here though.

scotlass Fri 08-Aug-08 19:11:46

I'm so so sorry this has happened to you. It's a horrible experience to go through and you'll get over the initial raw pain I promise but it'll always be there in your heart, surfacing every so often. I had a mmc in Feb at 11+wks (baby died at 9wks) and my due date was on Tuesday. It felt weird being at work, no one knowing and my DH works 400miles away. By Friday I had to ask a work colleague for a hug cos I needed one so badly!

Take heart from the support on here, there's so many people who seem to go on and have a beautiful baby and it'll make it even more precious the next time. Nothing will replace this baby and you need to allow yourself time to grieve and deal with it how you feel you can.

hugs for you ((((((((((((((()))))))))))))

Boobz Fri 08-Aug-08 21:00:40

Have just read your husband's blog... I am crying. I am so sorry. I am due to go for a nuchal scan in 9 days and am bricking it. I hope you find yourself pregnant again soon.

xxx

blogmumuk Sat 09-Aug-08 09:41:28

@ cornsilk - thanks so much for your message. It's lovely to be able to talk on here. Have never used a forum before and to talk to you guys is so comforting. xx

@scotlass - thank you for sharing your story with me. I really feel for you - that must have been so tough on Tuesday and even harder being on your own. hope you've had a big hug with your partner now. I hadn't even thought ahead to that point but am glad you've shared that as as it gets closer i can prepare myself. it's been a funny old time, having the scan on my birthday and then the due date being feb 14th. Big hugs from me ((()))xx

@Boobz - Am so glad you enjoyed my husband's blog. I was so thrilled when he started it, I think it's so beautifully written and with such clever things along the way and i hope lots of people enjoy it. Obviously we didn't expect for this to happen and we talked about if we should stop the blog or carry on, but I'm pleased blogdad wrote about what happened as I hope it helps someone else. And it remembers all the lovely little things that happened before then which I want to hang on to.
And please don't worry about your scan. Before I went to mine, I knew deep down something wasn't right. I just knew, but I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. My husband had the same feeling. My scan at this point was about a week away and I got to the point where I couldn't stand the not knowing, so I spoke to my midwife and they actually let me go at 11-5.
Good luck with yours and please try not to worry. Or if you are worried, why don't you see if you could go a bit sooner so you can feel reassured. Be thinking of you, let me know how you get on xx.

Jelliebaby Sat 09-Aug-08 10:02:35

Hi. I had a MMC at 11 weeks, I had a scan and the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks. I was in and out of hospital for 6 weeks, I had tablets to start the miscarriage, they failed and I ended up having a EPRC which lead to infections etc.

It was an awful time and made worse that I was so ill from it all. I got pregnant again 2 months later and had DD (now 3) I now realise that everything happens for a reason and if I hadn't had a MMC I wouldn't have DD today.

blogmumuk Sat 09-Aug-08 12:16:18

I'm so glad everything has worked out for you Jelliebaby and it's reassuring to know that it wasn't long before you got pregnant again.
Like you did, I'm trying to fight off an infection and taking a second lot of antibiotics from the gp on top of the precautionary ones given to me when I left hospital. But really hoping the infection goes away and can start moving about again properly. Was really painful last night and this morning. Fingers crossed the tablets are working. And looking forward to happier times ahead xx

blogmumuk Mon 01-Sep-08 20:49:27

Am finding it really hard carrying on at work like nothing's happened. Feeling really low - but then only just come off antibiotics. Been to the doctors five times now and finally think the infection's gone. But now I seem to be picking up anything that's going round - colds, cough... I don't know if that's just being low from antibiotics? But what I'm more worried about is that no sign of a period yet. Does anyone know when it should happen? The last time I saw the doctor she said around 3 weeks after the operation but that was last week. While I don't feel ready yet to try for another baby, I'd feel much better if my body seemed to be getting back to normal so at least I knew it was a possibility. I keep worrying it's a sign of something else. x

scotlass Mon 01-Sep-08 21:25:43

my period didn't return until about 5 wks after my ERPC, I think up to 6wks later can be normal. I'm so sorry you're feeling low, it takes everyone a different time to start feeling better but time does help. You're probably physically and emotionally shattered, I know I was after my mmc in Feb and tbh it still affects me. I've had a natural mc since at 5wks and am pg again hoping for 4th time lucky but getting over the bombshell of being told at 12wks that your baby has died its natural to feel how you are. The world seemingly moves on and being brave at work I found difficult too but tbh accepting in your heart it did happen and getting your feelings out in the open to people who understand can help so chat to us on MN who know how sad you must be.

Sorry I don't think my post is particularly articulate, I hope you know what I mean

blogmumuk Mon 01-Sep-08 21:34:03

Thanks Scotlass, I do know what you mean. And really hope all goes well for you this time. Fingers crossed I get my period in next two weeks. Just feel sick of going to the doctors surgery and really don't want to have to go back for something else. Especially when while the doctor is fine, there's no warmth there, no rapport, it's all very matter of fact and I find that hard.
I also feel like I want to mark my baby's life in some way. My partner wrote a lovely blog about my pregnancy and wrote for a little bit after the miscarriage. I don't know if he'll carry on now, blogdad stopped writing a few days after my erpc, but I hope he continues as it means a lot to me to have that record. But wondered if you did something in remembrance? I don't know if it sounds strange to do that as my baby was so tiny but feel I need to mark our first baby in some way. x

scotlass Mon 01-Sep-08 21:46:24

Lots of people mark their baby by an act of rememberance. DH and I bought two climbing rosebushes and planted them in our garden where I can see them from the kitchen window. I often daydream about my two lost angels doing the washing up.

I didn't do anything for my 3rd mc as lost it naturally at 5wks and have hardened my heart a bit to pg as felt so gutted about 1st two. One of the rosebushes flowered this year, the other one didn't strangely.

I think the impact on your partner is less obvious initially as they are trying to be strong for you but my DH broke down about 3mths ago and poured his heart out to me so maybe your partner will start his blog again when he's ready.

blogmumuk Mon 01-Sep-08 23:13:01

That's such a lovely idea, the rosebushes. Our kitchen overlooks the garden too and I think that would be a very nice thing to do. I'm not sure what flowers in February - my due date was the 14th - but think if I could find something, maybe it could even be an evergreen then that would make me feel much better. I suppose what I want is an acknowledgement. Thanks for the inspiration and sharing that with me xx

SweetPea99 Tue 02-Sep-08 08:47:36

Hi Blogmum,
So sorry to hear your story. I know that awful feeling in the scanning room too - such an awful, awful shock. The plant seems like a lovely idea. How about a Camellia? That has lovely big blooms in February/March, and you can keep it in a pot. The leaves stay green all the year round too. xxx

blogmumuk Tue 02-Sep-08 20:09:02

Hi SweetPea99,
Thanks so much for your message, it's so comforting to know I'm not the only one who knows how this feels. And now all around me all I seem to see is prams, pregnant tummies and friends telling me their good news. Of course I'm thrilled for them, but I can't pretend it doesn't upset me and I want to cry when I get home, especially when they seem to sail through pregnancy and life as a new mum and are already trying for baby number two.
I was struggling to think what would bloom then but that's a lovely idea. Thanks so much, it sounds perfect. And while I do love my garden, I'm not very good at big projects, am better with pots. xx

Habbibu Tue 02-Sep-08 20:25:16

Hi blogmum. I'm so sorry for your loss - it's so awful to go for a scan all excited, and then have all your hopes and dreams come crashing down. It's nice to remember your lost little one - we have a lovely Japanese maple in a pot for dd1, and dd2 knows it's her big sister's tree. I haven't done anything for the baby I lost this year - it was a molar pregnancy, so a bit complicated - I'll probably plant something once the due date is past (Oct). You'll probably find Christmas and your due date tough, but I have found that getting past the due date makes things easier - you don't feel like you "should" be pregnant anymore, if you know what I mean. And welcome to Mumsnet!

BumpVLump Wed 03-Sep-08 18:25:31

blogmumuk I am so sorry for your loss.
Your first message brought back memories for me- that feeling inside when there is just too much silence during the scan. Like you, I knew it was not good news. Strangley enough my partner said I was acting very oddly before the scan- really nervous and agitated. After, he thought I'd known something already, which I honestly hadn't. I was just so terrified it would be bad news, and it was. Maybe my body was trying to tell me something and I was ignoring it...
I just found mumsnet such a support. Good Friends and close family always have (what they think are) kind words, but I really needed to speak to people who understood through experience.
I was due just a couple of days before you, but (luckily ??) for me found out at 9 week scan so didn't have to go all the way to 12 weeks.
All I can say is give yourself time, and it does get better.
Lots of love
We are here for you
xx

figgis1 Thu 04-Sep-08 21:47:08

hi blogmumuk
sorry for your loss. i had misses misc,found at 12wk scan with first pregnancy and lost baby at 6wks naturaly 2nd time. althoagh it doesnt alter your loss and the need to grieve , i just wanted to give you hope for the future as i now have 2 much loved and precious daughters. i always remember the due dates of the babys i lost and to mark their short lives we sponsor a child in zimbabwee. i feel that contributing to and giving opportunities to him in difficult cicumstsnces give some purpose to their short lives. not sure this makes sense but it helped me.

blogmumuk Sat 06-Sep-08 21:32:16

Thank you all so much for your kind messages.

Habbibu, that's such a lovely idea, the maple. I'm actually glad you mentioned Christmas as I hadn't even thought about that. The idea of seeing all the family - both sets of parents having been excited about becoming grandparents [my parents are in their 70s so were really thrilled and it would have been their first grandchild!] - feels too much in some ways. I've always been very much a family person at Christmas and have never wanted to go away over the festive season, but am starting to think that might be a good idea. I suppose what makes it harder is that I'd planned to give up work at Xmas, and to be honest was really looking forward to leaving my job as really don't like the environment so I suppose felt I'd got it all worked out. I think you're right, that once I get past my due date on Valentine's Day things will change. Am planning to take that day off work as don't think I could face it putting on a brave face. No one at work knows what's happened. xx

Sorry to hear about your loss BumpVLump. That's exactly it - family and friends try their best. I was lucky, my dh stayed home with me the first couple of days after the ERPC then my mum stayed for four days. Was so nice just to be looked after. But it is strange what people say. My MIL called me for the first time two weeks after the op to see how I was and then when we chatted she asked things like if I knew why the docs thought the baby had died, and if I ever thought I'd get over it. I know it wasn't meant to cut through me but it did. And while i answered politely on the phone, I was upset when I came off the phone. People just don't realise. xx

figgis1, thanks for your reassurance. I do somethimes think well being 35+ and all the scare stories you read about dramatically dropping fertility, will I get pregnant again and if I do will things go smoothly. I still haven't had a period yet. But am really glad to hear everything worked out for you. And that's such a kind idea to sponsor a child. xx

Sblubby Mon 08-Sep-08 16:15:37

Hi blogmum - just wanted to add a little hello - reading your story it is so similar to mine, but I was lucky not to get the infection. I had a MMC at 12 weeks - baby had stopped developing at 6/7 weeks. I read your dh's blog too. I wonder how you are feeling now. I am finding that there are more good days than bad but there are still bad ones. More than anything I find my complete lack of bump absolutely ridiculous still. I find myself trying to remember what it felt like and frustrated that I can't. Feel guilt for a hundred things I did or didn't do - don't know how I'll ever get over that.
Christmas is also on my mind. I've been thinking of starting to prepare now in a vain attempt to get excited - freezing mince pies isn't such a bad idea, eh?! I was also going to be off work then too - which is hard enough being a health manager with a remit including improving maternity services - working with the very hospital where I had my antenatal and then my ERPC. Had a conversation about long waits for ERPC with them post op...apparently there aren't enough terminations in the hospital for them to get the theatre capacity right. I came off that call in bits, thinking of the craziness of it - was the woman on the next gurney having an ERPC or something else...wouldnt I have swapped places with her in a flash? Those are the bad days...and then the good...Spent Saturday with a friend and her 10-day-old baby who was conceived one month after MMC at 10 weeks - she's 38 - so feeling positive. And it was v comforting to give him a snuggle, although I must admit when my DH picked him up and cradled him I could have cried like Gazza. (I didn't - just tucked into the red wine and swallowed hard!)
I hope you are ok anyway.

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