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Miscarriage and men

(8 Posts)
BumpVLump Thu 24-Jul-08 11:22:44

Hi all,
I just wondered if anyone else had any experiences of their partner really struggling with a miscarriage.
I had a missed miscarriage (at 9 weeks) two weeks ago.
I have (kind of) come to terms with it and although I was dreadfully upset, it has given me hope we can GET pregnant as we had been trying for a while and it was our first.
My man however is still struggling. Although he was fantastic at the time, the more I get 'better' the more depressed he seems.
This is compounded by the fact that no one asks him how he is- it's always
'how is she?'... and on the day of my D and C his mum sent me flowers and didn't mention him. Or US.
He really wanted this baby, probably more than me now I look back, and he feels as though his world is falling apart. He had struggled with depression before...
He is seeing a councillor this afternoon, but I wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom??
Thanks in advance.

munchiesmama Thu 24-Jul-08 16:55:26

Sorry love i have no experience of this but i didnt want your post to go unanswered. Take care xx

wickedwitchofwestburymount Thu 24-Jul-08 17:08:39

Aw BumpVLump I know what you mean, I had a miscarriage last Friday, although my boyf is quite understanding of people asking how I am - think its because of what my body has gone through etc. He seems to have taken it quite well actually but does keep saying things like "I'll do that, it keeps me busy and takes my mind off things". He has mentioned us trying straight away for another baby... hmm I'm not sure.

If your boyf is still the same in a few days I would maybe mention to him about going to the doctors and having a word with him/her. Our doctors have been great and very very understanding.

Good luck, let us know how you are getting on


OracleInaCoracle Thu 24-Jul-08 22:33:27

i think men do tend to feel sidelined following the loss of a baby. because it is the woman going through the physical side of things they feel that they don't have as much right to grieve. you sound like you are trying to talkthings through with him, which is really all you can do. we have found that marking certain days (our edd's and the anniversary of the mc's and the ep) as a family (we already have 1 ds) has helped too. its tough, but you will get through this and so will he x

MsG Fri 25-Jul-08 01:04:31

Hi. I'm really sorry to hear of your miscarriage, BumpyLump and yours too, WickedWitch. I had one a year and a month ago. It was the same for my husband. People kept asking him how I was, and not how he was. He did find it really hard for a while, and I did worry about him but he gradually got back to normal. We made some big changes in our lives in the months afterwards (we relocated) and I think having something big to focus on, something to do, really helped us both.

How did he get on with the counsellor? I think if he has had problems with depression before, it is definitely a good idea for him to talk to someone.

Hope you are ok. I know how horrible it is...but it does get easier.

StarlightMcKenzie Fri 25-Jul-08 02:20:04

Message withdrawn

Joy27 Fri 25-Jul-08 09:37:26

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage x
I had one last week.
My partner initially had a very upbeat approach to it- he saw it as a great sign that we could get pregnant, and very soon after I stopped taking the pill.
The problem he has is that he wants to talk about it with someone, but doesn't know who. He doesn't want to talk to any of our friends whom we see regularly, as he's reluctant to let them know we're ttc and hence feel that pressure. He's thought about maybe speaking to a friend who lives elsewhere, or a cousin or something.
Meanwhile I've had several people to talk to- mum, friends etc, and this has really helped me.
Without meaning to generalise too much, men generally don't talk about their feelings and this doesn't help them feel better. Is there anyone your partner can chat to other than you?
Oh, also, I've found that since the mc my partner has become much more involved in the whole ttc process, and talks about it a lot in an enthusiastic way and gets excited about the prospect of a baby. It sounds like your partner was "there" already, but I just wanted to say that it's possible for something good to come from this nasty experience.
Take care

BumpVLump Sat 26-Jul-08 12:18:03

Thanks so much for all your thoughts...
The counsellor did not happen as the lady cancelled, but he is going on monday now. I hope that helps...
StarlightMcKenzie I do see your point. Maybe we should start trying again soon- give him something to focus on.
Im just worried that he's no stable enough!!
We both want this so much and another baby would give him something to look forward to again. He wants to try's me holding back.
If it happened again, I don't think my heart could take it.
Thanks again everyone.

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