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Due date approaching - never thought it would be this hard...

(26 Posts)
BlueCornflower Mon 14-Jul-08 20:40:19

I had a mmc in Jan (found out at 12 week scan). I was really upset for the first couple of months but have gradually felt better about it and have been pretty much fine over the last couple of months. However, the due date is the end of July and I suddenly feel really emotional about it all again. I think it's because I always expected to be pregnant again by now and I'm not. (Just after the mc, someone wrote on MN that they were not pregnant by their due date and I thought, 'Oh poor lady - but that won't be me...' and it is.)

I have a 4 year old DD (I'm 39). It has taken me four years to persuade my DH to try for a second child. He was not keen and is still not keen, so it is hard to talk about. I wonder if I will ever get pregnant again and just feel really sad, especially now and over the next couple of weeks.

Not sure why I am posting. Just want someone to tell me they understand, I guess...

gigglewitch Mon 14-Jul-08 20:44:45

well understand - I do. I found the due date hardest, felt compelled to go and light candles in church and stuff, though I am not religious per se.
Also attended a service (much later) at a cathedral locally where m/c babies were remembered, might sound odd to those passing by who haven't been here, but again very therapeutic to me.
Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to feel there are deadlines to conception, I know it's old cliches but things like this happen in their own good time, and wishing you lots of luck that they do. 39 is an absolute spring chicken wink

BlueCornflower Mon 14-Jul-08 20:55:49

Thank you. Yes, you are right. I musn't think I am 'past it'.

Think I would just like to jump forward two weeks and have done with it but I guess it will be a good grieving process to go through.

cmotdibbler Mon 14-Jul-08 21:07:15

My first mc was also a mmc, found at my 12 week scan. By my due date, I had got pg again, and miscarried again.

It was very emotional for me, and made worse in that no one else mentioned it. At all. I wish that I had done something to mark it, like plant a rose bush, or release a balloon. I think about that baby, and the others I've lost, every year though

gigglewitch Mon 14-Jul-08 21:10:32

'good' and 'grieving' don't seem like they go together that well ..but IKWYM.
how about you do something positive (avoids the word "good" and suchlike) - get yourself a little something to remember your LO, so that they are not "lost" as it were? Again - works for me but everyone's different. I have a couple of little Beatrix Potter figures which sit happily on the fireplace in our house, and all sorts of other tiny bits and pieces [yes a good few m/c's to my name I'm afraid, but so have quite a few ladies around here so you are certainly not alone] somehow having a physical thing to remember my little ones with helps me. One is just a pebble off a beach (beautiful one, though!). Just go with whatever you feel. I don't want to upset you any further, but that anniversary and due date will always be there for you, I passed the "biggest" [first] of mine last week, and at 18 yrs it hasn't got any easier - probably because i was young myself and the whole thing was so huge to me.

The best thing that has happened (apart from going on to have 3 lovely DC) was finding a hospital where they didn't make me re-tell it every time i saw someone new, and just had a little teardrop sticker on the front of my mat notes. This is the sort of stuff that matters in the long run. <sorry, I ramble now>

gigglewitch Mon 14-Jul-08 21:11:33

hugs, Cmot sad
how long ago was all this?

BlueCornflower Mon 14-Jul-08 21:22:26

Thanks gigglewitch. Yes, I bought a little tiny soft toy to remind me of my little one which sits by my bed.(Also bought DD one to keep her little mitts off MINE!)

Oh Cmot - that's SO hard. I had never even consider that...

cmotdibbler Mon 14-Jul-08 21:28:22

I lost my first in 2004, then another two in 2005. After the third I bought a lovely necklace with the birthstones for all three babies on it and a little silver heart with baby footprints. I wear it on their due dates and miscarriage dates, and whenever else I feel the need to acknowledge them.

I did eventually challenge a friend over the fact that everyone else ignored the due date, and she said that she thought I might not want to think about it. She so went down in my estimation at that point.

LackaDAISYcal Mon 14-Jul-08 21:34:07

You're not alone lovely. I had two MCs and the due dates are always hard. Take the day easy, and maybe do something to remember your baby by. We planted two passion flowers in the garden, and I always like to have a bit of reflective time for me on the days.

And it'll happen again for you, I'm sure. I'm pregnant again at 39 and due three months before my big 40th birthday.

Take Care xx

BlueCornflower Mon 14-Jul-08 21:44:57

I have booked to spend the day with my best friend plus kids but you are right, Lack, in that I should try and find some 'me' time in amongst all that...

Thanks for understanding.

gigglewitch Mon 14-Jul-08 21:54:19

can you get a wander out in the evening with your DH - or even alone if that would be better? busy time can be good, but doing the 'face' [u know what i mean] all day might be hard, DAISY is so right you need space too

kate2179 Mon 14-Jul-08 21:54:32

No real advice for you Cornflower - just wanted to let you know you're not alone. It's just so bloody hard isn't it? I have passed one due date, my second would have been in September. The first wasn't as hard as I expected, but I think that was only because we had only recently lost our little DS so the pain of that was so much more raw than the memory of the first, which was a mmc last November.

So I guess that's a coping strategy along the lines of when people say that if your arm hurts you should get someone to stamp on your foot, then you won't notice the pain from your arm anymore! Perhaps not something to be recommended.

I think the important thing is that you will never forget your little one, it's just a case of choosing what feels to you like the right way to mark the day. Will be thinking of you. smile

gigglewitch Mon 14-Jul-08 21:56:39

cmot - that is so lovely. a beautiful thing to keep and have your babies feel close to you. god it is so hard isn't it sad

gigglewitch Mon 14-Jul-08 21:57:54

x-post kate, but we're saying the same words...

BlueCornflower Mon 14-Jul-08 22:01:24

It does help that other people understand. Just wish sometimes there were more people in RL who understood (well, I don't wish this on them, but you know what I mean). One friend has a new baby and really has absolutely no idea what I am feeling, even when I have tried to explain.

kate2179 Mon 14-Jul-08 22:10:08

I know what you mean BC - you would think that anyone who has had a baby would understand to a certain extent, even if they have been lucky enough not to experience mc as you would think they would have some idea how dreadful it would be to lose something so precious. But pretty often they don't. Weird. Have you found that sometimes it's the people who you would think are the most likely to understand who just seem to have no clue whatsoever?
We all understand though. And (not to sound too soppy) we're all here for each other too.

BlueCornflower Mon 14-Jul-08 22:19:21

Kate - how old was your little DS? I agree with you - it's the people you think would understand who don't, and the people (often men!) who you think have no reason to understand who do (sometimes).

Tickle Mon 14-Jul-08 22:32:18

Sitting here welling up...

We will always remember them I like to think of mine as little guides for the next ones that came along.

But DH certainly never ever remembers

Good luck - and sending love for your special remembering day.

gigglewitch Tue 15-Jul-08 00:12:57

<<group hug>>smile
take care all, get some good sleep

MirandaG Tue 15-Jul-08 00:55:39

I'm so sorry - the due date is a very hard time but I remember reading (maybe on here or somewhere else) that it is ok to let yourself be sad and grieve, and I found that helpful because I felt that I needed to be given permission, because it wouldn't have occured to anyone in real life that it was going to be a difficult time. I think only people who have been through it can understand.
I had three miscarrriages (early ones though)and the second was due on 14 Feb last year so that date is the date I remember most. I did eventually go on to have a second baby last year at 39 (I also have a 4 year old DD). I'm not sure what to say about your dh not wanting to have a second - mine didn't particularly either although now he loves her very much. You do still have time though. Be nice to yourself over the next couple of weeks - maybe plan a nice treat or something and broach the subject of trying again when you are feeling stronger. Good luck - there are lots of people who understand how you feel - just not always easy to find them.

kate2179 Tue 15-Jul-08 17:24:48

Blue we lost our DS in April at 17 weeks, we had abnormal blood results from the nuchal though the scan looked fine, so we went on to have an amnio at 15.5 which confirmed that he had a chromosome disorder which is "incompatible with life" so we had to make the heartbreaking decision whether to end the pg ourselves or to let nature take its course at some later point. Pretty crappy choice huh?

At the risk of making you cry, this is a verse I have come across recently which has helped me a lot. I hope it can bring you some comfort too smile

"In the wake of so much loss, we are haunted by things we don't, and may never, understand.
Yet the solace which we seek may not come from answers.
So look for comfort to love's everlasting connection.
May that love lift you up, hold you close, give you peace."

xxx

BelindaB Tue 15-Jul-08 20:02:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

teeheelaydee Wed 16-Jul-08 12:48:03

BlueCornflower Just wanted to add my thoughts to the others. I had 3 m/c from June last year to Feb this so have gone past a couple of due dates and it was really hard.

Whatever you feel is fine, let yourself be sad and acknowledge the precious one you lost. If you feel angry at others that's OK too (I have been amazed at our unbelievably insensitive people are)

I have just had to have time off work because I ignored how I felt - Y'know "pull yourself together teehee" It catches up with you in the end so go with what you feel and you are definately not alone.

BlueCornflower Wed 16-Jul-08 21:26:43

Hi again everyone. Sorry I hadn't posted back but I went out last night and I only really have a two hour MN window in the evenings!

Thank you so much to everyone. It really does help to know that I am not alone and that there is 'life' past the due date!

Tickle - I think I must just remind myself that men are rubbish at remembering dates!

MirandaG - thank you for your very kind and optimistic words.

Kate - there are no words for what you have had to go through and that unbelievable decision. My heart is with you.

And to everyone else - thanks for taking time to help me feel a bit better! I do feel a lot more optimistic today. Which means it'll probably be a down day tomorrow and then back up again the next day...!

pinkdolly Thu 17-Jul-08 15:25:25

BlueCornFlower- Just wanted to send you my love.

I mc to in January and my due date is 30th July. I am finding this month tough. And am emotionally up and down.

Dh is lovely but I've had to talk to him about a couple of things:

1) For some bizarre reason he has started to play the cd that I listened to for pratically a whole week when I m/c. My friend made it for me and it helped me a lot. But I haven't played it since as I find it too emotional. He likes the cd and listens to it in his car but keeps inadvertently playing it whilst I am also in the car.

2) Last week he adopted a virtual puppy on facebook and has only given him the name that we choose for our lost little one. He wasn't being insensitive I just think that he forgot. Which is hard for me because I will never forget. My lost little one will always have a special place in my heart. And I will always remember him with sadness.

It's ok to be emotional, especially at this time.

I am thankful that Dh is doing a big beach mission the week of my due date. And this year he has asked me to help him. So I will be busy everyday that week. So will not have enought time to sit and mooch.

Just wanted you to know that I Know (like so many others on here) exactly how you are feeling.

I hope you are having a good day today.
Take care.

Pink

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