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I’ve never gotten over what I went through at age 15

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Applexjuice Wed 20-May-20 00:37:17

I was 15 and my boyfriend was 17 when I suffered a miscarriage. We were together for around a year and I was 4 months pregnant. I remember being at his house, we were watching t.v in his bedroom and I went to the toilet and realised there was blood in my knickers. I hadn’t experienced any pain or weird symptoms so didn’t even think to check. I went back to tell him so he went downstairs and told his mum as she already knew I was pregnant. She phoned my mum to let her know and then arranged for me to go to the hospital to have a scan. I believe a lot of things leading up to this caused me to have my miscarriage, mainly stress.

My mum was a single parent and had only just moved her boyfriend into our home. She didn’t want me to go through with the pregnancy as she couldn’t afford to pay for the baby as I would have been unable to get a job whilst I was still in school and underage. Her boyfriend also said he couldn’t live with a baby so would have moved out had I gone ahead with the pregnancy. She was on the brink of losing the family home that we’d lived in since I was born and her boyfriend moved in so that we wouldn’t have to leave. Nobody would help me until I agreed to have an abortion. My grandma wouldn’t entertain me or let me in her home. My auntie threatened to tell the police that my boyfriend had raped me and said that she would get him locked up and of course at 15 I was incredibly naive and believed her. I was so worried my boyfriend would go to prison. The scary thing is, she worked for the police at the time and that’s probably why I believed her so much. It was definitely a scare tactic.

My mum just wouldn’t talk to me. She would ignore me when I came in the house and said she would disown me if I went through with the pregnancy. I tried contacting my dad, who I hadn’t spoken to for nearly 10 years, mainly out of desperation but as always he didn’t help me either. He said I couldn’t stay with him because he was working away, even though his girlfriend at the time was at home. The only people that (sort of) helped me were my boyfriends parents. They weren’t as judgemental but I could tell that they didn’t want me to have the baby either, they were just a lot more sensitive in the way they went about it. I didn’t want to give up my baby. I was so happy and so in love with my boyfriend. He was my first love and I thought we’d have this happily ever after. To everyone’s dismay, I decided to go through with the pregnancy but suffered a miscarriage shortly after. I know that I’ll never know the reason why, but I do feel it was mainly down to stress. I spent most of my pregnancy crying and in misery because of everyone around me, the only person who made me happy was my boyfriend. He really did care about me and wanted the best for me. I could tell he was scared when I showed him the pregnancy test, I know he felt he was too young to have a baby and didn’t know how to tell me.

The next day I went to the hospital and had my scan. The night before I just felt so empty and anxious waiting to see what the problem was. I had never heard of the word “miscarriage” or knew what it was before I went through it. I guess they don’t teach those things in school, or at least they didn’t when I was there. I went for my scan and my mum and boyfriend were in the room with me. The nurse said that there wasn’t a heart beat and that was that, basically. My mum came over to hold my hand and I just remember pushing her away, I just felt so angry. We all went into the waiting room (I’m not even sure now what we were waiting for) but I was trying to stop myself from crying in front of lots of random people. I asked my boyfriend to come to the toilets with me and once I was in there I literally just burst into tears. I don’t think he knew what to say or do.
The following day I woke up with the most excruciating pain with blood all over the bed. I was taken into hospital and spent the night there. The nurse had given me an injection which put me to sleep for 3 hours. I bled for a while after I’d gone home. Everyone in my family expressed how sorry they were for what I went through, and asked me “how was I coping?”. I remember thinking, “are you serious?, this is what you wanted!”.

Shortly after, things just went back to “normal” (for everyone else). I carried on, went back to school, kept seeing my friends and spending time with my boyfriend. I became extremely possessive over my boyfriend as time went on and I would get really jealous if I saw him chatting to other girls (as friends). He wanted to leave me, and I do admit that I used my miscarriage to get him to stay with me. It was almost as if I was so afraid to lose him because I didn’t have my baby. He was the connection to my baby that I desperately needed. When he threatened to leave me, I told him I was pregnant again which I know was wrong. He quickly found out the truth but forgave me. Around a month later he turned 18 and started going out to pubs and drinking. I became even more jealous because obviously at 16 I couldn’t do those things. We broke up shortly after and I just remember my life crumbling. He started sleeping around a lot including with a lot of women I knew. It just broke me and I spent every day crying and stalking his facebook.

A year later, he reached out and apologised for everything he’d put me through and told me he missed me and missed what we had. We tried to work things out and get back together but I just couldn’t trust him. I remember him saying “I’ve slept with 20 girls since we broke up, I’m not saying it to hurt you, I’m just trying to be honest”. I hadn’t slept with anyone in that time, couldn’t even think about sex. We decided to part ways and a year later I found out through Facebook that he was in a relationship and his girlfriend was pregnant. It killed me reading that post. It’s like he’d completely erased me and “our baby” from his life. Since then he’s gone on to have 2 more kids with another woman. I’ve seen him a couple of times over the years (live in a relatively small area so easy to bump into each other) and we’ve sort of just smiled at each other. He has also added me a couple of times on Facebook whenever he’s broken up with his girlfriend. Around a year ago I received a Facebook message off his girlfriend asking “had we been chatting”, I responded and said “of course not” but it does make me wonder if he thinks about/speaks about me. Why else would his girlfriend worry about me or see me as a threat, especially 10 years later. Of course I would never act on this though as I believe I need to move forward, not backwards. Plus, he treated me like shit after we’d broken up. It’s funny though, because I honestly do believe had we met now we would have really gotten on and had a good relationship. I can honestly say I have never loved anyone since I loved him.

Over the years I have seen all of my friends and family members have babies and it has made me feel sad, angry and jealous. My child would be around 8-9 years old by now (I know it’s really silly to think that way). I’ve never spoken about how I feel, or what I went through since it happened nearly 10 years ago. I never received any counselling although I think my mum did try to get me to talk to someone. My family/friends never mention it, I honestly think they’ve just forgotten which is understandable since they weren’t the ones who went through it. As I said, my ex is happy now and has 3 lovely kids. I’m still stuck in the past and can’t let go. I know women go through this every single day and it doesn’t make me special just because I was young. My mum is the only person who occasionally brings it up and saids she feels awful for the way she treated me during that period. She said she would of never have really disowned me but that she felt scared and didn’t know what to do for the best. I believe her, despite everything she really is the most wonderful mum and has always put me first.

I have mixed feelings about it all. On one hand I feel I was too young (I see that now, couldn’t at the time) and I would have struggled financially and emotionally at such a young age with a baby. I’m not sure I would have given him/her a good life. But then on the other hand I feel angry that I didn’t get to make that decision myself. It was taken away from me. I do have a good life now - a good job, a nice flat, a nice car, good friends and I’ve recently started seeing someone too. I just feel sad because I know my life could have been so different. I also worry about trying to conceive in the future when I meet the right person and going through this trauma all over again. I know multiple miscarriages can happen. I’m so sorry I have gone on and on. It is the first time I’ve ever really spoken about it or how it’s made me feel. I know I need to let go, move on and be happy. My ex has and I’ve got a lot to live for and be happy about. It’s 10 years later and I still remember it all like it was yesterday. I don't think I have ever come to terms with what happened to me or fully accepted it. I think I've just completely blocked it out for all these years. Thank you for listening and I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone in my post.

OP’s posts: |
faithfulbird Wed 20-May-20 01:12:17

I'm so sorry you went through this. Please please believe me it wasn't your fault at all. They should have supported you. I bet they regret how they treated you.

It's good you haven't got that guy in your life right now. It's a blessing I'd say. I honestly feel for you...going through all that such a young age. You're a strong person.

Please don't let the past affect your future. Don't compare your life with his. I feel like you're hanging on to this feeling of remembering him by remembering what you shared. But that was then, this is now. You still have so much time to have babies. Sometimes miscarriages are caused my faulty chromosomes. I feel exactly like you with my miscarriage. But I keep telling myself maybe something wouldn't have been right for the baby. I truly believe we will be with our lost babies after we die in heaven. They'll be waiting for us.

Try to make yourself happy little by little. Get rid of anything that reminds you of your ex and don't look at his profile anywhere. That's the only way you'll be able to move on. Remember miscarriage is very common. Find places ...like this forum...there will be many people to talk to about it...you're not alone... it will be like therapy....

I truly wish the best for you...you're a strong courageous woman....believe in yourself...it will heal you...

Lardlizard Fri 29-May-20 17:01:36

I’m so sorry you went though that, you were so young

Sounds like you still young and have a bright future ahead of you

If you need counselling you could ask your gp

I know it’s easy to say but I thjnk you need to somehow put it all behind you
Corny saying but stop looking back
You are not going that way

Stop looking at his profile
Block him so you’re not tempted to look

I’m wishing you a bright future ahead a happy relationship and as many lovely healthy children as you wish for
You will build a family of your very own

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