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Should I message her?

(16 Posts)
WhoKnowsWhatToSay Tue 25-Feb-20 12:34:42

My colleague has lost her baby at 24-25 weeks. We've never particularly got on, which is unusual for me, but I just feel so absolutely awful for her and like I should message her saying so. Obviously you are not inside her head, but in her circumstances would you appreciate a message? I would be overly verbose, but just say I'm so sorry to hear about the awful news of her baby and that I am thinking about her.

I can't decide if I am being selfish and wanting to say something just for me, or if this is something she would appreciate. Do you have any thoughts?

OP’s posts: |
WaitrosesCheapestVodka Tue 25-Feb-20 12:37:53

Personally I'd just want space. These messages mean well but I feel the need to contain/reassure people and that's not always helpful. Others may feel differently. I've had miscarriages but never a late loss.

P1nkHeartLovesCake Tue 25-Feb-20 12:39:18

I had a stillborn baby a lot later than you colleague and honestly I wouldn’t of wanted your message, we don’t get on, we are not friends, I wouldn’t want your sympathy.

Sign a work card IF they send one but don’t send her a message otherwise, leave her to her actual friends people she gets on with.

jadey0885 Tue 25-Feb-20 12:40:53


Personally I would say message her and give your condolences and ask her if there is anything she needs just to let you know. Despite you and her not getting on shouldn't stop you from messaging. I think she would really appreciate the fact you are thinking of her

Robs20 Tue 25-Feb-20 12:40:55

Agree with pp. Not quite the same but when my daughter died, the last thing I wanted was messages from people that I didn’t get on with (and I got a few..).

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Tue 25-Feb-20 12:40:58

I really wouldnt appreciate hearing from someone I didnt get on with to be honest.

I had a lot of this after my children died and it always felt like it was more about their feelings and the fact they could tell everyone they were big enough to send their condolences despite our differences.

She will likely feel obliged to respond, and it's not fair to put that on her considering you arent friends.

P1nkHeartLovesCake Tue 25-Feb-20 12:44:28

Despite you and her not getting on shouldn't stop you from messaging

Yes it absolutely should!

This woman is having the worst time of her life, her baby has died. OP didn’t like her before this happened so she has no reason to message now.....

Nobody needs a meaningless condolence from someone that doesn’t even like them

WhoKnowsWhatToSay Tue 25-Feb-20 12:45:31

Thanks all, seems fairly unanimous. I had a feeling this would be the case which is why I posted. I'll leave it for now and sign the communal work card when that happens. It is just such a hideous situation.

OP’s posts: |
WhoKnowsWhatToSay Tue 25-Feb-20 12:46:17

It isn't that I don't like her! We've just had our disagreements in the past and I thought I should mention it to give some context to my question.

OP’s posts: |
WhoKnowsWhatToSay Tue 25-Feb-20 12:47:54

I would also say that whilst we aren't particularly close, I'm not sure she has any/many closer friends in the office.

OP’s posts: |
CloudyVanilla Tue 25-Feb-20 12:48:11

I have never experienced a pregnancy loss but to offer perspectives of different personalities, I myself would not want a message off of someone I didn't get on with.

At best I agree with PP that it can be a burden for someone grieving, and I imagine especially when grieving the awful loss of a baby, to have to answer lots of messages of condolences.

At worst and depending on how bad our relationship was, I may even consider it insincere or out of nothing more than courtesy, which would definitely not be welcome.

How awful for her flowers

CloudyVanilla Tue 25-Feb-20 12:55:20

How did you find out she had lost the baby OP? Was it requested by her that her colleagues were informed? Is she taking her MATL time off?

WhoKnowsWhatToSay Tue 25-Feb-20 12:58:19

Our manager emailed round so I assume she asked everyone to be informed. I don't know what/how much time she will take off but we have fairly good T&Cs so she will be able to take plenty if that is what she wants.

OP’s posts: |
Char2020 Tue 25-Feb-20 23:16:25

I personally wouldn’t have wanted a message from someone I didn’t get on with when I had a miscarriage. I wouldn’t want the sympathy from someone that doesnt like me, I would feel they were gloating at my situation and trying to make a point of being the bigger person. It’s like when someone dies and everyone comes out of the woodwork with sympathy, if you aren’t there when they were alive, why then when they have died! I understand the sentiment but I think this person needs space with their friends and family and to be left alone to grieve in peace

PurpleDaisies Tue 25-Feb-20 23:18:36

It sounds like you’ve made the right decision not to message.

ittooshallpass Tue 25-Feb-20 23:20:58

I hope she did want everyone to know... I've known managers send out emails about personal stuff they shouldn't before...

Don't send a message OP. She's not a friend of yours. She would have sent a message to you personally if she was.

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