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I discovered I had a MMC two weeks ago, my baby measured at 11 and a half weeks at my dating scan. Hubby and I excitedly took along our two children aged 2 and 3 to introduce them to their little brother or sister...no other thought and I mean no other thought entered into our minds for even one second, so we never thought there would be anything wrong with them being there.
The sonography probed around furiously before switching off the monitor and telling me the words I had not expected to hear, “I’m so sorry but there’s no heartbeat”...time stopped and I felt as if in that moment I actually floated out of my body and thought this is a sick joke, I’m dreaming...but I wasn’t as a second sonographer confirmed the news.
We were taken out of the room, through a different exit, I instantly remember feeling like “this is the way all the women who lose their babies have to walk out of here, I don’t know why that sad thought stuck with me.
We then waited in this brightly coloured pink and purple room, where a nurse explained our 3 options and used the word ‘miscarriage’ that was where I heard it first and it echoed in the room loudly. She also offered me the option of having another scan in a weeks time if I preferred and I took the option...clutching with all my hope that this was all some terrible mistake.
The week of waiting was by far the hardest and longest week of my life, I did nothing but wait and hope.
Another scan in a rather different room this time and I was prepared, whist I held my husbands hand, it was the same news as before. I remember knowing exactly what I wanted to happen next, I wanted to manage my miscarriage surgically, I needed closure.
Due to a cancellation, my ERPC was booked in for two days time. I prayed for the lady who had cancelled her appointment and hoped she didn’t struggle whilst waiting for her surgery...though my husband reminded me that the lady may not have miscarried so stop worrying. The procedure was carried out quickly and I now feel like I can grieve the loss of my baby and begin to move forward with my life. I didn’t experience any pain or cramping, just having a normal flow period.
For all the ladies out there going through a miscarriage or missed miscarriage, my thoughts and prayers are with you, but you will get through this difficult time, stay strong.
I'm so sorry for your loss @Reen100
Your experience reminds me of our first MMC. I also brought along my two DC, mainly because it was half term and they were too young to leave at home alone at the time. Plus it was a bit of a last minute scan due to a small bleed the night before - I stupidly thought there would be nothing wrong, that bleeding was normal and I thought it was a good excuse to see our baby. But she had died only a day or two before. I was totally blindsided.
That was 4 years ago and we have since had three more, each baby pretty hard to conceive and each baby not getting past 9 weeks. We just lost our 4th two weeks ago and I had surgical management again.
Do you mind if I ask... sorry if its too soon. Will you be trying again? DP refuses point blank to try again and its made the grieving process so much harder this time around. I've been struggling to find women in my situation but am keen to hear from women like me. All seem to go on to have 'Rainbow' baby
I’ve been back and forth with that very question since my surgery...I keep telling myself I have two beautiful, happy children and to make the most of them but there’s always that niggling thought in the back of my mind. Who knows what the future holds but for now, I need to heal both physically and mentally and start living life again.
Never lose hope, so many women go on to have their ‘rainbow baby’ like you rightly said. Maybe now is time for you and your partner to talk through things, so at least you’re both on the same page. Praying for you.
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