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How to not drive yourself crazy when TTC after miscarriage?

(9 Posts)
rmaun1986 Sat 11-Jan-20 19:02:20

Hi all, I know there's loads of TTC posts about, but I just wondered if anyone had any specific advise or examples on this? I had a mmc in Sept; baby stopped at 8 weeks but I found out at my 12 week scan. I am, of course, afraid of this happening again, but to be honest, my biggest concern at the moment is not falling pregnant at all!!

We conceived really fast the 1st time; maybe too fast as it took a while for my to accept, then for the few weeks i was starting to get excited it all came crashing down. We waited 3 cycles before TTC again, and I have just had my first period so unfortunately, no pregnancy. I know in the grand scheme of TTC, this is nothing! But I found myself totally obsessing this month about it, from food drink baths caffeine sleep stress etc etc and even about things to come like hen dos, holidays. I'm struggling to make plans for other life, like the above, incase I am pregnant at the time and its a waste of money, or I do something in the short term now that affects my chances of conceiving at all.

I am abit of a control freak which is something i am trying to work now (such as not googling every twinge and feeling in my body), but now my period has come, i am gutted and just feel like i am going to drive myself crazy, and not live a very enjoyable life, if I keep doing this! It's all consuming, and the irony of all of this is, prior to the first pregnancy i was so on the fence about having kids at all. My husband and I had discussed it on and off for years, and as i was 33 i thought i had better get moving. it feels like Karma is seriously biting me in the ass now...

Anyone felt similar, or survived similar! HELP! smile ps. i am waiting for some psychological support - i am actually a therapist myself so know alot and enough, but i recognise i need an outlet so this will be coming in the near future.


OP’s posts: |
rebeccacntu Sat 11-Jan-20 20:13:04

I feel I need to reply.

I miscarried 6 days ago at 10 weeks. I feel exactly the same as you were. We just started actively trying and fell pregnant in the second months. Still on the fence of the extra workloads that may come with the baby. I think the baby has fulfilled its purpose, which is to teach us a lesson and help us grow as a stronger parents. It will come back to us again when he/she feels we are ready as parents. I am now fully committed to our choice and I can't wait to start trying when my AF come. Long road ahead but I think our days will come. Btw, I just turned 30, thought I had the perfect life plan. Now I feel the pressure more

peanutfoldover Sun 12-Jan-20 11:50:08

Hiya. just here because I feel the same. Not because I can give any advice.

I have a 5 year old and it took 5 years to feel ready to have another (thanks to PND) and like you we got pregnant very quickly and it was a bit of a shock. Being 39 I expected it to take a bit longer. But had the12 week scan on weds and there was no heart beat. Died the week before they think.

I am a total control freak too. My instinct is to try again but this time do everything ‘perfectly’ to avoid all risk. But as we know, many many women successfully have healthy babies whilst smoking, drinking, taking heroin, under extreme stress like war torn countries, famine etc. So I’m reality, what we DO probably has very little influence.

I want to remove all emotion out of the next attempt. Literally not think about the romantic, lovely, family of 4 I dream about. And it just being a scientific process. A bit like a surrogate would maybe?

I don’t think I can go through the emotional turmoil again, so the only thing to do is switch the emotions off right? Is that possible.

Sorry, I realise this is of no actual help.

rmaun1986 Sun 12-Jan-20 15:07:04

@peanutfoldoverI totally get what you mean, feels like we have to numb ourselves for this now as otherwise the pain is unbearable. And I also agree, trying to do everything perfectly and obsessing over tiny things, yet see (&work with!) So many who just seem to get pregnant and have healthy babies regardless of the above. I never thought this was going to be me, I mean who does? But it's the anger that this is my reality now. And prolonged grief as my original due date looms. Seeing so many others getting pregnant too is just torture 😔😫

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this too. I'd like to say it gets easier in time, some days are better than others and some days I have so much hope. I hope things are as manageable as they can be and you have support 💛

@rebeccacntu thanks for your reply and sorry about your loss. I think you're right, it did serve a purpose in seeing this is actually what I want and not just because I feel I should. I do feel mad its taking a part of my identity tho, I will want to be me. We can only pray our time will come xx

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Zoey36 Sun 12-Jan-20 21:50:14

I can relate. Pregnant first try with Dd1 and with pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. 4 months on from miscarriage now and I've just become a 'not enjoying life much until I'm pregnant' person. Not sure if I want to accept that or not.
My focus is ttc. Whether that is good or not, it's giving me a focus. Looking at the calendar and counting how many days until ovulation is making time at least move. Probably should have taken up a different project like knitting! We declined a wedding invite as it would have been when I was due and was abroad. Now I'm not pregnant, I find I'm declining more things....just in case I am. But at least you're not the only one! And I actually am not hating's just kind of taken over it but I'm not resisting! So I'm surviving despite being a hit obsessive and trying to control the situation!

Charis1503 Sun 12-Jan-20 22:08:43

I could have written this!!

My merina coil failed 4 years ago and we had a shock pregnancy. We were NOT ready ( not even living together!) Lots of arguments over termination or not (he wanted one i didnt) Then suffered a pretty traumatic misscaraige, which resulted in me having emergency surgery.

By calculations i got pregnant within 1 week of my coil being dislodged so assumed i was the most fertile person on the earth. When we were ready next time it took over a YEAR to fall.

The 2ww is really the most horrendous thing and every month I was convinced it this was the month. Every period that arrived felt like i was reliving the misscaraige and tbh i was pretty depressed.

We then fell pregnant and despite a complicated pregnancy ( bled throughout, developed a liver condition linked to high still born rates, and being induced 3 weeks early) i have a wonderful 2.5 year old.

Its taken 13 months to fall pregnant this time and im currently 10 weeks. Have had lots of scans for lots of bleeding but fingers crossed all okay.

So,what im actually trying to say is.... you are perfectly entitled to act and feel the way you are feeling. I too was totally swamped by the thoughts you are feeling and felt my entire life was about getting pregnant.

My advice, see if your local hospital has an early pregnancy clinic counsellor- mine was amazing and gave me focus to keep my feelings in balance.

Its OKAY to want something more than anything, its OKAY to spend your free time googling symptoms, its OKAY to feel like you do - but to keep your life balanced you also need to make time in your life to see loved ones,make plans amd to live.

Its just a balancing act. Now im pregnant my mind is clouded by thoughts of misscaraige ect but im making sure i still say yes to that cinema trip, or meal out. We even booking a holiday in may.

Just focus on the fact that you CAN get pregnant and if you can do it once... you can do it again!! X

rmaun1986 Mon 13-Jan-20 15:31:14

@Zoey36 sounds like we're in a very similar place on very similar timings. I hear what you're saying, kind of accepting "this is where I am at the moment, its not great, but it is"... I guess I want my cake and eat it too. I want to be actively "trying" whilst also feel free and happy, as opposed to obsessed and depressed each time my period arrives. This has happened once so far, but I don't feel very optimistic right now. I think if I was younger i'd feel i have some extra time. It's the fear of a year passing, no further pregnancies, now i'm 34 and find out actually there's a problem. I wish I was rich and could just pay for all the investigations and support now! (control freak!!!)

@Charis1503 thank you for your kind compassionate words, again, from experience. As a therapist, i'm all about helping people accept things as they are, not trying to change them or fight them, whilst also live in a meaningful way. I think once the initial shock was over and i was back to routine etc i was able to live more comfortably like that (accpetance) but as soon as I decided I was TTC it is a constant thing again, and like you, almost feel re-traumatised by my period, sensations in my stomach, even just this topic. I've deleted facebook from my phone as over Christmas it was relentless the amount of pregnancy announcements. I have so much awareness now how for some people these are a huge trigger, baby scans etc. Its lovely for them, but torture for us! It doesn't help my sister in law is pregnant and unfortunately, this has been tense between us all, like no one wants to talk about either of the elephants, our miscarriage or their pregnancy. she's due in May and i've convinced myself everything can get back on track when i'm pregnant again. it's like this labyrinth of worries, fears, concerns, questions, issues, obstacles etc never ending. But your story is hopeful and as you say, i have been pregnant so it can happen again.
My EUP unit were not very good and have not given me any information for additional support. I was pretty appalled as a mental health professional at the lack of tbh, no wonder people develop PTSD or depression/anxiety following this! When this isn't as "active" for me, I may do some work for this myself.

Thank you all for your replies. Its nice to know i'm not alone. Will try to work on my acceptance of this. smile

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rmaun1986 Mon 13-Jan-20 15:34:12

@Charis1503 also congratulations and all the best for this current pregnancy smile

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Trying93 Wed 15-Jan-20 11:03:45

@rmaun1986 I dont have much advice but I think some months are better than others.

I had a mc in June. Took a month off before starting ttc again. First 2 months I drove myself crazy taking early tests and symptom spotting. After that I realised I wasnt doing myself any favours and it was affecting my mental health. Promised myself no early tests and to try carry on life as normal. Things have been much better.

Then this month (my due date would have been 28th jan) I am obsessed with every twinge, looking everything up on the internet, been on here far too much. Hoping so much im pregnant because I feel like I need it this month. Im 8dpo so far too early for symptoms or tests. Good thing I have no tests in the house because i would have caved and done one although i know it's pointless.

I still end up crying every month my period comes. Its okay not to be okay and have a bad day/week/month but try not let it take over your life

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