People griping about their kids - upsetting

[futuredreams]

After my second miscarriage I was still optimistic and understanding of things people said around me.
Unfortunately after my third in September I'm growing tired of listening to people all around me complain about not sleeping or having too much to do or their lives aren't their own.
I long for this. I think it doesn't help that I started a course and every tutor (4 of them) said oh you'll be glad it's just one night a week not two so you can get back to your kids. Cue the laughter and jokes about the course being a break from it.
Got asked a few a few times this week how old my kids are. That's hard. And it comes as quite a shock to them ( I can't look them in the eye )when I say oh I don't have any for fear of crying. I must look old now at 32.
I really honestly don't have any anger towards anyone who has kids. I wish everyone who wants a family has one even if I can't but sometimes it really is hard.
Even right after my ERPC my nurse said to come for bloods in 6 weeks. She said oh come at 9am that way you can leave your kids to school first.... I just nodded to save her any pain plus I was just out surgery so I was a little loopy. Obviously when I didn't answer her with words she touched my arm and said oh do you not have any children? Honestly I don't think I've cried so hard in front of a total stranger. To the point two other lovey nurses ushered her away. I think I'll probably remember that clearly for my whole life. Again, I really don't begrudge people of their happy child full lives but it's so hard some times. I hope I'm not the only one who finds this difficult.

[tootiredtospeak]

Just wanted to say sorry. I am one of those parents who will have the odd moan to childless colleagues at work with no real clue about their circumstances. Its not meant to be hurtful its hard to always remember that their are others out there that are less fortunate in different aspects of life, whether your moaning about being fat (starving children in the world) to complaining about your kids. Its unintentional it really is. But I am sorry your hurting and I hope one day you get your happy ending.

[sunshinesandwaves]

I hear/feel your pain. After years of infertility, IVF, an early miscarriage and a late loss I know just how difficult it can be to listen to people moan about the one thing in life you'd give your right arm for.

I guess people just don't think and I sometimes have to remind myself that there are occasions I might have a moan about my husband or take for granted that I go home to someone every night when there are people in my life who only ever want to meet someone and be in a couple.

That said, our pain is unique and it can be so difficult, particularly in work where the topic of children, or pregnant women seems to be a constant.

Sending love and hope.

[Marlena1]

I don't think people should assume anyone has children. 32 is also quite young, I don't think anyone assumed it about me at that age (I didn't). But people are insensitive and can't see beyond there own world. I'm sorry you're in this position and everything you've been through xx

[futuredreams]

Thank you all for your messages. @tootiredtospeak @sunshinesandwaves @Marlena1.

I think maybe it's just too soon after everything but I don't remember feeling this way with my first two losses. I was back at work a few days after surgery and looking back I know I wasn't ready and still in pain. So physically and emotionally recovering is making it difficult. Also having to wait for tests before trying again is actually making things much worse. Because I feel like I'm doing nothing to change my unfortunate circumstances.
I'm so sorry for your losses too. There aren't words to describe how draining it is.

@tootiredtospeak Please don't be sorry for being one of those people. I'm so happy you have had the joy of having a child. Everyone I know who has children does it. It must be exhausting. It's not jealously but it's definitely envy I feel.

Thanks for helping me x

[Willowjasmine]

@futuredreams, I'm so sorry to hear of what you've been through. You sound very brave and strong, to be quite honest. I feel your pain, I got pregnant after 18 months ttc for it to end in a mmc. You're not alone in how you feel, I'm exactly the same and I'd give anything to be up all night with a crying baby, I think people just don't think before they speak and it's usually not intentional. My current pet peeve is when people assume you can be more flexible because you don't have kids ie. Family members expecting you to do things/go to them for their convenience as they are soooooo busy with their children. I want to scream that it's not out of choice that I don't have kids, so stop penalising for it and making me feel even worse. I know deep down that if I eventually have my babies, I will probably do and say similar things, and their reasons are genuine, its just a sore point for me. By the way 32 is not old!!! I hope not as I'm 31. I hope things get better for you soon x

[MrsTerryPratchett]

People should not assume anyone has children. Especially at 32 FGS.

However I will say that the people I know that have struggled most with the less fun bits of parenthood when it happens for them are a couple of the people who had the hardest road to having them. They desperately wanted them and assumed that they would be blissfully happy when they finally had them.

That pain has gone away but the different pain of SEN, no sleep, marriage strains, PND, guilt, money worries and constant demands on time take over. One mum I know is drowning in the SEN issues her desperately longed for child has.

They can't feel your pain and you can't feel theirs.

[itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted]

This is a tricky one for me as I've had both primary and secondary infertility - 1 DC who took years to conceive and 5 mc and 2 ruptured ectopics since and now permanently infertile - I do have the odd moan about sleepless nights or toddler tantrums but I always follow it up with a "but I wouldn't change it for the world"

It's very hard to know what those around you are going through especially if they are strangers. They can't possibly know what you are going through just as you can't know what troubles they may have? Just because someone has been lucky enough to have children doesn't mean that they should feel like they can't ever say anything negative about parenthood. Just the same way that someone who has an amazing partner for example shouldn't feel like they can't sing their praises lest they upset those without a partner who want one or who have experienced being with a really shit partner

I do agree however that it is completely wrong to assume that someone has kids because they are in their 30s x

[Pamplem00se]

I think it's different sorts of pain. 2/3 Of mine have had quite severe allergies. My youngest nearly died of sepsis. I also had a very messy late miscarriage mid redundancy and after my mother's suicide. I will still moan about mine being hard work despite knowing how fortunate I am. It's human nature to want to share experiences. Very unfortunate that people assume you must have children and I can see how hard that must be. Again, I think it's just I'll judged rather than intentional cruelty.

[futuredreams]

Thank you everyone for helping me feel more at ease about being 32 and people making me feel unusual for not having children. The funny and cruel thing is I only started trying for a baby may 2018.
Before that not a single person said anything to me about children or put pressure on me or asked oh when are you having children like so many of my friends had been asked.
Skip to now and after three painful losses I do wonder why it comes up so often now. I don't share it with everyone but also if anyone asks directly I'm quite open about it. ( when I came to terms with them obviously) because I just find it so unusual how little it's talked about so any women who ask me I offer information freely to help. On one hand. I don't want to shout it from the rooftops because I'm not a very sharing person but on the other I believe it should be recognised more than it is.
I promise empathise with people who have children or try to. I have a close family member and they had post natal depression and I know how difficult the after is and continues to be. And I also would never have that person not talk to me about their struggles even in my situation.
It's a hard one because I'm always happy to help or chat to someone about their personal struggles.
I think the pain comes from not talking openly about mine because it's not really deemed as socially acceptable to talk about how painful it is to have to wait 2 weeks for an ERPC and walking around with my dead baby/ foetus ( depending on how you view it) for that time. Or the surgery or the after math of emptiness never mind the physical pain and exhaustion. You just go back to work and everything is normal again.
I'm just so sorry for anyone who has gone through this. Because this is all I know. Maybe some day I will know both sides and get some perspective.