Really struggling with pregnant friends & social media after MMC

[rosamundos]

Hello - posting as I need to express my feelings somewhere, and there's no one really I have been able to talk to about this.

I had a MMC at 10 weeks just under a month ago. I opted for medical management and had a super hard time of it physically. All this after 7 rather depressing months of TTC (I know that's not long, but I hadn't expected it to be SO emotionally hard).

I'm 35 and all my friends are falling pregnant with 2nd babies, and when I say all, I literally mean virtually my entire network. Pregnancy announcements, birth announcements everywhere on social media. I am generally very stoic and reserved emotionally, so I'm actually pretty scared by my reaction as I'm furious at everyone. I came off all social media as I felt like it was tipping me over the edge.

I have one friend in particular who is now due around the time I would have been & constantly updates instagram with her latest 'bump' shots. I have pulled out of some events coming up as I don't want to see her in person as she reminds me of what I 'should' have had (I know this is mental). She knows about the miscarriage, but I don't want to speak much about it as I'm scared about how it will come out.

My husband showed me yet another photo of yet another pregnancy announcement on Facebook over the weekend, and we ended up having a big row because he can't understand why I'm so upset. He's told me repeatedly I should be happy for people, and that the way I am is nasty and unpleasant. I know it is, but I feel so desperately angry and I don't know how to manage this level of emotion.

We have a 2.5 year old little boy so know I shouldn't complain - he keeps saying 'at least we have him' but this doesn't make me hate pregnant people any less. I am so lucky, but I am so, so beaten down by this experience, and I feel like if I let it fester I'm just going to dig a deeper emotional hole.

[MrsMGE]

Sorry for your loss OP The way you're feeling is perfectly normal and understandable. Lots of us on here felt the same way and it will pass, just give yourself some time

Re social media, Instagram has a "mute" (rather than "unfollow") button, have you tried that? The muted users will not know you have muted them and you'll stop seeing them.

Facebook also has an "unfollow", rather than "unfriend" option. Again, your friends would not know you have in followed them.

Alternatively, you can deactivate yourself and not go on social media at all - I did, worked wonders for my mental health and actually I'm not coming back, even though I'm much better now.

Good luck, look after yourself xx

[Iggi999]

Pp has dealt with the social media, so I will mention your dh - I suspect you could deal with other people better if you at least had a united front at home. When we were struggling to keep dc2, everyone around us, even random people in the street, all seemed to have two dc and it was a constant reminder. But at least we could groan about it together. Being happy for someone else does not preclude being miserable for yourself. You dh is being a bit of a cunt to be honest, and even if he doesn't understand exactly how you feel, should not be piling the pressure on.

[Wiltshirelass2019]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You aren’t mean or nasty, these feelings are normal, any woman would have them after what you’ve been through. I came off social media after I had a ruptured ectopic (followed by years of infertility and ivf). It made me feel so much better, so much so that I’m still off social media years on! Social media is actually crap and you don’t need it in your life anyway - it’s just people boasting. Do what’s best for you lovely, but you might want to think about coucilling as it is hard carrying these feelings around💕

[Loopytiles]

Sorry you’re going through this.

I had secondary infertility issues and got very low and anxious, found counselling (paid for this) very helpful.

[Frillyfarmer]

I'm so sorry for your loss. How you are feeling is totally normal - I've blocked and muted so so many people this year since my MCs and also have a close friend due at the same time, I'm angry at how insensitive and selfish she has been.

It will happen for you, it's just a very shit time in the run up. I've found this thread of ladies invaluable as it's made me realise that my feelings are perfectly normal.

TTC after pregnancy loss thread 31 - baby penguins are coming! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/3625424-ttc-after-pregnancy-loss-thread-31-baby-penguins-are-coming

[Monkeymilkshake]

I am sorry you lost your little baby. Do you feel better physically now?
Have you looked at the miscarriage association website? They have a lot of info i found really useful when i had my mc. The feeling of anger/jealousy is perfectly normal. There are people you can talk to about it at the association.

I also had a miscarriage while trying for a 2nd baby - i hated people who told me "well at least you already have one". It's a different child. I felt a bit lile i had told people my sister had died and they had replied "well at least you have your brother".

Xx

[Loopytiles]

Also suggest having it out with your H: your feelings are not unusual and his judgment and unkindness - telling you how you should and shouldn’t feel - isn’t helping.

[rosamundos]

Thank you so much everyone for your support. And I am very sorry to hear of your respective losses. There are certainly people on here who have been through and are going through huge struggles.

The irony of the situation is that I work in digital marketing, so social is a big part of my job. In terms of personal accounts, I've deleted my profiles from apps on my phone. I've not deactivated the accounts just leaving dormant. I could keep clicking hide and mute on people, but then another random pregnancy announcement pops up from yet another ex colleague/acquaintance/uni friend. I finally understand why a break from social media is so necessary sometimes.

Thank you for the link to the TTC after loss thread @Frillyfarmer. Physically I am OK and my solution is to get pregnant asap again, but this takes us back to the sad world of scheduled sex and monthly failure :( I keep berating myself for not starting again sooner, for not starting the whole process when I was younger, but with nursery fees I honestly don't know how we would have survived financially in London if we'd had two close together.

Husband is the emotional one in our relationship - I think he's quite shocked by what I've said as this is the absolute antithesis of how I usually am. He says he wants to talk again tonight to understand, but I don't think he'll ever 'get' it - he just says I'm wrong and shouldn't feel these things. There are only a few people I would be honest with about how angry I am, but they're all pregnant ! So not conversations I want to inflict on them as I think I'd lose friends being too honest.

Hopefully by sharing this I won't be up till 4am again sitting on all my anger, so thank you all again.

[Talkwhilstyouwalk]

I get it OP! These emotions are completely normal, don't feel bad about them. The vast majority of women in similar situations would feel the same way....and people who post regular bump updates are a bit weird, insensitive and self obsessed to be honest. All the above considered, it's wasted energy being upset about other people's pregnancies so if you can take yourself off social media that's probably a good thing!

It will happen for you, it's an infuriating process when it takes a while but you've done it before and you'll do it again! Best of luck!!

[Talkwhilstyouwalk]

P.s. your husband isn't there one who gets a period every month, he isn't the one who physically lost a baby. They don't get the same physical yearning as we do and they don't get it in the same way.....my husband never understood why it pissed me off that it was seemingly so easy for everyone else! Not that id have wished what we went through on them.....

[Wiltshirelass2019]

Perhaps show your husband this thread? If he sees that your feelings aren’t unusual he may understand a little more xx

[Frazzlerock]

I'm with you @rosamundos

I'm so so sorry for what you've been through. It is probably one of the cruelest experiences anyone could go through.

For solidarity, I feel the same way. I have done for 3.6 years now and its not getting any easier.
Now and again I come away from social media and it really helps, but you can't avoid real life triggers, just daily trips on the train or a walk can send my head into a spin and I want to scream how unfair life is.

Like you, I have DC - two aged 11 and 14 who were extremely difficult to conceive no thanks to PCOS.
3.5 years ago I was expecting my first baby with my fiance (unbelievably happened spontaneously). We lost our baby at 9 weeks, then we miraculously got pregnant a few weeks later, then lost that one. Then we got pregnant 2.5 long years later and we lost our little boy, supposed to be our rainbow baby, at 9 weeks gestation to a chromosome issue.

We are still TTC now and it is killing me. I really hoped we'd get pregnant again before I turned 40 but I was 40 in June and now feel like I've hit a huge milestone of doom WRT fertility.

I'm also angry at everyone (internally of course, I'd never rage at a pregnant woman no matter how much I wish I could but I know its not their fault) and cannot understand why it happens for everyone else and not me.

I have no advice, I can only offer empathy and solidarity and tell you I understand what you're going through. It's just utterly shit x

[Loopytiles]

Perhaps he should read some of the Miscarriage association stuff or speak to their helpline for advice that these feelings happen to lots of women (and men). Telling or showing you that he thinks your feelings are “wrong” is not on.

[fallingasleeprightnow]

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and I can totally relate as I had a mmc in May and I was feeling how you are about 6 weeks ago. I’ve started going to stress/anxiety councelling (I’ve paid for this) and I’ve found it really beneficial. I read Izzy Judd’s book and remember she said that she put her social media accounts into a folder on her phone that was titled ‘think’ just to give herself a moment to process whether it was worth going on and potentially seeing something upsetting.

Could you maybe try some meditation on YouTube to help you through your feelings? I was ttc for 8 months and you’re right, it’s not a long time but it does feel like an emotional rollercoaster when you’re in the moment not knowing when/if it will happen.

I have muted tons of people on social media so don’t feel guilty about that. It’s a very emotional time and you need to put your feelings first.

[rosamundos]

Oh Izzy Judd is new to me, I'll order her book thanks @fallingasleeprightnow - it's good advice.

Thank you @Frazzlerock I really feel for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think when you're TTC your whole existence becomes so wrapped up in this one thing that you lose sight on the rest of your life. I've not booked holidays, not pursued job interviews etc just because it 'might' happen. ie, "better not leave the country in November incase I'm about to give birth" (cue then being hideously jealous when a friend announces she's having a baby at xmas). This anger I've projected at other people is sometimes misdirected as I'm actually pretty angry at myself for putting my life on hold. I'm also an idiot I was so blasé about conceiving.

RE husband, he has now been sent miscarriage association info but I think the point about not relating if you don't physically experience it is true. I think this is the case for female friends - the girl I mentioned above (who I can't bring myself to see) sent a message the day it started saying 'hope it's all over quickly and it's relatively painless.' I was totally seething. I genuinely don't think it even crossed her mind that I would interpret that as her belittling what I was going through and wishing my baby were gone. I had to mute the What's app chat after that. Ahhhh

[MrsMGE]

@rosamundos, you're not alone, we've had exact same conversation with the ladies on the First Pregnancy Missed Miscarriage thread here (I think in it's 3rd part) and lots of us said we're living our lives on hold, in a limbo, whilst TTC after the MC. I am exactly the same as you, I said I wasn't interested to 4 recruiters in the last 2 months, can't bring myself in to book any kind of holiday for next year and I dream of a going to Asia/NZ for 3 weeks in April, which I can't do because of the long haul flight (what if I'm, say, 7 months along then?). I even feel guilty sometimes having a drink with my friends on a Saturday to be honest, because what if. It's not an easy place to be, and I wish I could offer more than just solidarity.

Also, working in digital when you're going through something like this is pretty shit, I feel for you big time.