Miscarriage emotions

[Cat132435]

I’m sorry to post this here, I’m just really struggling not being able to talk about this as much as I’d like and honestly I don’t know where else to go with my feelings. This starts with what I originally wrote for my first miscarriage and it’s purely just a vent of my feelings, I’m sorry if it’s a bit much.

This months cycle is our first full month of trying. I have pcos and endo so I wasn’t expecting much. The end of last months cycle we ditched protection and started trying. This month I started taking ovulation tests to see if anything would come back and every single one was dark. I put it down to increased LH due to pcos. On Friday which should have been day 9 of my cycle I thought to myself that sometimes OPKs will pick up pregnancy so I took a pregnancy test and threw it straight in the trash. On Saturday curiosity got the better of me and I went through the bin to have a gander and I could see a faint shadow of a line! I took another one straight away and the line was darkkk, 5 positives later and I was in shock, I couldn’t believe it. Then that night I started bleeding heavier. A trip to A&E confirmed my fears, my baby that I had only just found out about was gone. They think my last “period” was the start of the bleeding, I’m so shocked.

My first miscarriage wasn’t that emotional, these things happen right? 1 in 4 pregnancies they say. It was so early and even though I bled for a month it wasn’t too physically hard. It was probably just chromosomal abnormalities, it’s wouldn’t have formed a baby anyway right? I hadn’t had a chance to process that they were there before I knew I lost them, I had the initial feeling of my heart soaring seeing my positive test and the sinking with finding out they were gone. It has to happen to some people right? It’s okay that I was one of them, I just threw myself into bettering myself, I started running, eating vegan and clean, I lost almost 3 stone bringing my overall weight down to 19st 13 and only a few months later I got a positive again! 2 beautiful pink lines that I’d been begging for but working out my dates I would’ve only have been about 3 weeks, this was on the 31st of may. On the 3rd of June my hcg blood test came back with a low positive of 82 and the repeats a week later on the 10th came back with a hcg level of 1,300! But I was absolutely full of fear that I was going to lose the baby, every second felt like I had something wrapped around my throat, everything was a sign I’d lost them, everything was pointing to them not making it but around a month later after some long and hard thinking I thought I need to just accept it because the awful truth about miscarriage is that if it happens it happens, there’s no warning sign or way to prepare, I can’t not enjoy my pregnancy because of the fear. Me and my partner would sit and read the weekly development article and talk about what things we have to offer as parents, we’d bicker about names and about things we wanted to buy, it was nice and I just slowly accepted that I was pregnant and everything was okay. I was supposed to go for an early ultrasound at 7 weeks before we went to turkey to see how baby was doing and put my mind at rest but I decided against it, other women don’t have scans through out their pregnancy so why should I need one? And on the flip side if we had a scan and things weren’t okay would I be okay going on holiday knowing? We’ve gone for 3 weeks and after being here for almost 2 we decided to have a scan whilst we were out here, the baby’s 10 weeks so it’s worth seeing and it’s only £15/20. When we went they couldn’t see the baby with a regular scan so they gave me a transvaginal and the baby was only dating at 6 weeks, this was on the 9th of July, I couldn’t explain that there’s no way my baby was 6 weeks, we had a positive test on the 31st of may, there’s no way this baby could have been conceived only 4 weeks ago? I couldn’t stop crying and asking why there was no heartbeat, the language barrier meant she was just explaining how I was dating behind and it’s normal at 6 weeks to not find a heart beat but I’m not 6 weeks I’m 10. Everyone keeps telling me to be hopeful and that I don’t know anything yet but surely I know all I need to know? There’s no way this adds up or works out, my partners convinced they’re just growing slowly but that just doesn’t happen either? I know there’s no hope and I’m just going to be told that the baby’s gone and honestly I feel such raw unrelenting grief. I want them out, I just want it gone and to forget about it for a bit and to recover so I can continue throwing myself in to exercise and eating healthy. I’m so sick of hearing that I need to have hope, I don’t want to have hope, I want to scream and cry and break the heavens open to demand why in the fucking world this would happen to my baby. My sweet partner, who has cried only once before in our over 3 year relationship got into bed with me last night and held me whilst we both silently cried and talked about how badly we wanted this and how heavy it feels. I feel like my entire holiday is just ringing hollow at this point and everything feels like I’m just sat there made of cardboard and when I finally shake the constant lingering “I’m carrying my dead baby inside of me” and actually have fun I’m absolutely wracked with guilt because I shouldn’t be having fun whilst I’m currently a funeral. I’m a walking mausoleum, my mood should be somber and sad, I shouldn’t be joking with my loved ones or enjoying my time. Now I’m feeling heartless for not feeling like this about my first as if I have favourites amongst my dead children. I’m feeling everything at once and it’s overwhelming and I still have 3 days until I’m back in the uk and my life returns to semi normal but right now my heads a mess and I can’t express it.

[MrsMGE]

Oh, OP ❤️

There is a lot in your post that sounds very, very familiar.

In particular, when you say about carrying your dead baby and being a mausoleum, that is exactly how I felt initially after my missed miscarriage, nearly 5 weeks ago. I knew straight away after the scan that my dates weren't off, same as you. I wanted "that dead thing" out of me as soon as possible so I could move on with my life instead of going through the horror of knowingly carrying my dead baby for any longer. I was explaining my miscarriage to myself in straight, scientific terms, as a coping mechanism. It's then changed for me and I understood that I didn't actually think that my baby was "that dead thing". I was angry and upset at the fact that my innocent baby has died, without any signs. I felt that my body has betrayed me. And what I wanted to get rid of was that fact: that my baby has died, as this was the actual thing that was making me ill. Sadly, no one can change the facts.

You're going through an initial shock and I really feel for you, as it's an awful time. This is all made worse by the fact that you're on holiday and away from the familiarity and comfort of your own home. This must make you feel worse and I'm really sorry for you ❤️💐

Please know that if you are going through a missed miscarriage in the UK, once first suspected, you'd also need to wait for another scan (1-2 weeks). Therefore, we're all in the same limbo as you are now and I really think this is the worst part of the whole process.

As much as you must be feeling shocked and shaken now, the reality of the situation is that you will need another scan or two in your local hospital when you return. This is the only way to be certain as to what is going on. I would not want to comment on your circumstances or give you false hopes, but if you are in a foreign country and there is an additional language barrier, it's probably not the safest idea to rely on their findings 100% straight away. The equipment is different, training is different, language and communication are different too. In the first trimester you do need two scans to confirm if the pregnancy is progressing as sometimes one scan can be misleading or unclear. When you're back home, get to the Early Pregnancy Unit and you'll take it from there. There is absolutely nothing more that you can do now lovely, although I'm sure this isn't really what you'd like to hear.

I take it you are certain about your dates, so was I. My pregnancy did end up with a missed miscarriage and the wait for the second scan, and then for the actual management of it was agonisingly long. In hindsight now, I try to look at it as a positive thing as it allowed me to get out of the initial shock and digest on things, understand what it meant and how I was really feeling about it. It did not feel like that at the time though.

Do you think you may be able to find some comfort in the fact that you are in a different environment, detached from your usual day to day routine and that this may give you time and opportunity to reflect on things in peace?

Sending you lots of love and virtual hugs. No matter the outcome, we're here for you ❤️ Stay strong lovely, you will come out the other end stronger than you think you are now xxx

[MrsMGE]

Also can I just say, re: feeling differently about the two miscarriages - I said it on another thread here before, there is absolutely no right or wrong way of feeling about it. The fact you feel differently now is not because you lour love for the second baby is more than for the first one, or that you "preferred it". It is a second loss you are going through and your trauma now is compounded, even though you may not have felt traumatised at the time of your first miscarriage. That doesn't mean those feelings were not there. Sometimes they just don't get triggered until a certain point in our lives. Perhaps this is what happened to you and this is completely understandable and nothing to do with your babies. You're also in a different place now, different time during your pregnancy, you're away from home, you have not had the symptoms etc. - all this is making this experience feel a lot more intense right now, and that's understandable. There is categorically nothing at all about this that you should feel guilty about. Xxx

[Cat132435]

Thank you 💖 I think you’ve summed it up, I think what I actually want more than anything of for the baby to stay in and somehow magically keep growing and be okay but it’s just not going to happen, I think I just want to forget for a while and I’m saying that I want them gone as if that’s going to make how I’m feeling any easier but I don’t think it actually will, I think it’s just going to be hard and that okay, we’ll get through it, it’s just a complete mess of emotions and it all feels just so unfair. I’m going for another scan on Tuesday here in Turkey because they want to confirm what’s happened, they’re waiting to see if they’ve grown or they can detect a heartbeat. I’m really sorry to hear you’ve gone through this, it’s just awful, thank you for taking the time to reply to me, it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in how I’m feeling and also for writing about what to do when I’m back to the UK as I’ve been a bit unsure. I’m guessing they’re going to offer me options in Turkey but my scans on Tuesday and my flights on Wednesday and I’d definitely rather go through this at home, I’m going to ring my midwives when I’m back in the country. I think in the future I’ll probably appreciate that it happened here rather than at home, it’s made the week wait feel shorter and I’ve not been able to stop and dwell, I’ve just had to get on with everything and I think I’ll be thankful for the distraction. I’m happy that it’s been at a time where I’m with me partner 24/7 and not when he’s at home working long hours, I’m glad we’ve both had the time to process it a bit. He’s still hoping that it somehow works out but we’re 100% sure on the dates. It’s just a really heavy thing to go through, I’m mainly just feeling angry and stupid for being so excited when I know I’m at a higher risk for this to happen. I think I just need to keep working on being the best version of myself, the healthier I am the less likely this will happen again and it’s definitely my coping mechanism. I think everything happened so quick with the first loss that I was quite detached from what was happening, I justified it in my head and it did leave a lasting impact definitely but I was able to deal with it a lot easier as there was no question what was happening and I wasn’t aware of the fact I was pregnant until I was already miscarrying, I just kept telling myself I would’ve thought it was just some random irregular bleeding if I hadn’t taken the test. This time we knew from the get go for nearly 2 months and had time to plan for an actual baby, I think it’s how much more invested we’ve been. Thank you for your reply, it’s really lovely and I can’t explain how much I needed it, I hope you’re okay, it’s a sucky thing to go through but you’re definitely not alone in it ♥️

[MrsMGE]

Exactly, you're spot on lovely. Glad I could help a little bit, I know it's an absolute darkest time ❤️

Definitely wait to come back to the UK, this is because if a missed MC is confirmed they'll give you three options, either you wait for it to happen naturally, go through medical management (tablets to speed things up) or an op under local or general anaesthetic. Not all options are suitable in all circumstances and you definitely want a doctor to talk you through what's best.

I think waiting for things to become clear when you're near certain yourself is very hard, it's as if you wish to move to the next stage, whatever this might be (you might be feeling a lot better later or you'll be grieving), but you physically cannot do this. It's hard but you will survive - there's lots of us on here who have when we thought we wouldn't. We're here for you now ❤️

My hubby didn't acknowledge what happened at first and hoped for the best until the second NHS scan. I'm realistic about things and I knew the result in my heart, whereas he is forever the optimist and he never heard of a missed miscarriage before which is why it shocked him enormously and he was in denial.

Not long left now lovely. Make sure you're out and about, whether in a quiet place or wherever you feel better. Get all the fresh air and sun that you need, I know this may sound silly, but I really think little things like this help and I wish I had a chance to do that before my missed MC - instead I was stuck in work and then not really in a mood/physically able to get out much for some time and the weather was awful too. I had massive cabin fever and looked like a ghost when I finally left the house for longer. I can't tell you how many times I wished I had enjoyed more time outdoors when I could. It definitely helps mentally xxx

[MrsMGE]

Hi, OP. Just wanted to check on you, how are you doing? Hope you're now back in the UK and that you'll be able to get the treatment you need. Here if you need anything xxx

[Cat132435]

Hey, I came back last Wednesday, I went straight to A&E to get booked in for Thursday, had an ultrasound and I was told I legally have to come back in a week as my medical treatment in Turkey doesn’t count apparently. The doctor said that she’s pretty sure I’ll naturally miscarry in the week wait but my appointments on Wednesday and it’s not happened yet. I just feel so sick to death of it all, I want a D&C, I don’t want to go through this naturally, I feel like it’s really drawn out and it’s all taking too long, I’m feeling really depressed but my friends are being really supportive and coming round every day which is nice 💖 thank you for checking up on me, you’re really so kind

[MrsMGE]

No worries. And yet again, you're describing exactly how I felt (I had private scans in the UK and NHS does not look at them either, if it makes you feel any better).

It was definitely one of the worst weeks of my life. But you'll pull through. Glad to hear your friends have rallied around you, that's so important ❤️

I wanted D&C too but the wait for the procedure was 2 weeks and I just couldn't wait that long so went with medical management. Just make sure you do the right thing for you, it's hard to think straight in this situation, but please weigh up the risks involved in each procedure and their pros & cons with your doctor before you decide.

Nothing I can say will change things, but I'm really sorry OP . This shouldn't be happening to anyone xxx

[Cat132435]

It’s just awful isn’t it? I feel like I’m just waiting for it to start naturally and it’s just not happening, I’m getting cramps now and I just want to hospitals to intervene, I don’t want to go through it naturally at all, it’s stupid they have to wait, I just want it over with but I feel like I’m just stuck waiting to be able to heal from this but it’s not even started yet. I’m scared of medical and I feel like D&C is maybe a bit emotionally easier because you go under general and don’t have to see anything but I don’t know if I could wait that long though but then I’ve known about this for nearly 2 weeks now so maybe I could? I don’t know, Wednesday just isn’t coming quick enough, I feel like there’s so much to do and sort and think about and all I’m doing is crying and eating pizza on my sofa instead. I really feel like these things aren’t talked about enough, I feel like women’s health isn’t discussed enough and it makes me really angry that I only know about these things because of what I’ve looked up online. I hope you’re okay, I know I keep saying it but really thank you so much for your kindness and thinking about me

[MrsMGE]

Cat, I could not agree with you more. I wish I could tell you something different, but you are right. The only comfort that I get is that having this online community is massively helpful. We really get it. It's no longer as lonely and scary.

But it's not talked about enough. There's not enough support from medical professionals. These things have to change.

I talked about my MC openly to everyone, to my friends, work colleagues, everyone. I am not going to pretend no thing's happened. Or that I'm OK. I've decided to be the change I wish to see in the world. We need to have a voice, and so do the babies that we've lost. And it's time to be heard.

It won't change overnight. But we are on a better path than many women before us.

I've had many evenings eating crap. Or days not eating anything at all, that was after my MC. I couldn't eat, sleep, I thought I was going mad. The waiting beforehand was awful, absolutely awful and made me feel worse. But it is clinically necessary. So you'll go through it. You may also go through a roller-coaster later, after the MC. But it won't be like this forever, I promise you. Keep your mind occupied as much as you can now, binge watch stuff, research something, pamper yourself, anything goes! Lots of love xxx

[Cat132435]

Hi, I know it's been a few months and you probably won't even read this but I just wanted to say thank you. I find it difficult to talk to those close to me about my feelings and I felt completely heart broken over losing the baby and I was really struggling to pick myself up and honestly I just shouted my feelings into the void and you replied to a complete stranger and it really helped me to get through that, so thank you for your support and kindness and I hope you're feeling okay, I'm sending lots of love your way, thank you ❤️ xx