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Helpful and kind words after miscarriage

(13 Posts)
JellyBook Wed 29-May-19 11:22:46

I’m after help here I’m afraid, not offering kind and useful words. A family member has recently miscarried and I’m absolutely lost for what to say (even though I experienced this loss many years ago)

I’m want to comfort but afraid of being clumsy (and afraid of breaking down and being useless!)

Any words of wisdom would be great.

OP’s posts: |
Lauraliverpool Wed 29-May-19 11:38:13

Hi, my friends sent me some flowers with a card saying that they were thinking of me and that they were there for me and when I felt up to it they would come and see me. Maybe a little card to say you are thinking of her, they have special cards on Etsy and little gifts. X

VenusStarr Wed 29-May-19 13:00:15

I think just being there to listen helped me.

Try and avoid any comments like it wasn't meant to be, you can try again, there was probably something wrong with it, at least you can conceive (I had all of these!)

I was given an orchid that made me feel anxious as I was scared I might not be able to keep it alive and it would upset me when the petals fell off. But it's still there nearly 2.5 months later and brings me comfort now.

I struggle that people expect me to be back to normal now when I am still having hard days. So give her time too.

CMOTDibbler Wed 29-May-19 13:04:46

The only really helpful thing anyone said to me after my three miscarriages was that they were so, so sorry. And DH's nan who was the only person that acknowledged that being surrounded by small children must be painful.
Everything else, people trying to be positive and so on didn't help a bit

User12344 Wed 29-May-19 16:53:19

Hi, I've just suffered a miscarriage too. I didn't tell a lot of people but I have had a couple of comments as mentioned by VenusStarr like you can try again, something must have been wrong with the baby... definitely not helpful at all! Just be kind and let them know you are thinking of them and will be there if they need you.

RedSheep73 Wed 29-May-19 17:05:55

There's nothing you can say that will make her feel better, but plenty of things you can say that could make her feel worse. Just day you're sorry it's happened, and let her talk if she wants to. Don't say anything about it wasn't meant to be, or it's probably for the best, or never mind there'll be other babies, or my personal pet hate, god never gives us more than we can bear.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 29-May-19 17:10:49

The only thing you need to say is how sorry you are and you hope she comes to you if she needs any support.

Blackandwhitecat1 Wed 29-May-19 17:14:26

Absolutely agree with PP. After my miscarriage, a few people made some comments (at least you can conceive etc) that were unhelpful. The best thing was when a friend just said how sorry she was and that she would be there for me in whatever way,shape or form I needed her. Another friend made me a little care package with some chocolate, crappy magazines and other small treats in. It didn't help with the pain of the miscarriage, nothing can, but it meant the absolute world that she had been so thoughtful xx

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted Wed 29-May-19 20:12:07

I've had several miscarriages in the last couple of years - I prefer people to say "im so so sorry" or "im here if you need someone" - someone also said "I'm not going to ask if you're ok because i know you're not but know that it's ok not to be ok. one day you will be" - people constantly ask if I'm ok and generally I'll say "yes thanks" so that I can move the conversation on without making the other person feel awkward when really I'm not x

TokyoSushi Wed 29-May-19 20:16:38

Yes agree with pp's about what to say but really really, wholeheartedly agree with the what not to says: it wasn't meant to be, you'll have another one, etc etc, an absolutely awful thing to hear.

Unicorn9 Wed 29-May-19 20:21:20

Giving space to grieve in their own way. Every miscarriage is a heart break and empathising and saying you are so so sorry for their loss is acknowledging their feelings and loss. Don’t keep asking if they are ok again and again. That really doesn’t help.

JellyBook Wed 29-May-19 20:22:46

Thank you so much everyone, all very helpful xx

OP’s posts: |
dogmama Thu 30-May-19 01:04:37

validate her feelings and let her know that even if it's several months down the line she can still talk to you about this x

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