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Experiences with partners and handling miscarriage

(13 Posts)
liveinhope100 Mon 29-Apr-19 13:22:46

Hi All,

I'm still trying to come to terms with my recent miscarriage and my head is all over the place right now. I spent the whole weekend in bed crying my eyes out and called my OH during a hysterical moment and was basically told that i'm a grown woman and need to get a grip. He has never seen me like this before and admittedly he is not the sensitive type. He is more of a 'tough love' person and doesn't want to dwell on things. Although he was incredibly supportive the day it happened which I am so thankful for, he did say that he mourned and grieved that day but he is getting on with things now. Once things all calmed down he came round and comforted me and said he will be here to support me but clearly we are handling this completely differently. I can't seem to just get on with normal daily duties like he can. Everything is a struggle and i feel SO fragile, vulnerable and insecure. Is this normal?

I just wanted to hear from any women experienced something similar and how they stopped it ruining the relationship? For those who couldn't always turn to their partner, how did you cope? And did you put a brave face on when you were together? I feel like i'll push him away if I'm miserable everytime we are together but it's so hard to pretend like everything is fine when tears literally come to my eyes throughout the day & evenings sad

OP’s posts: |
itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted Mon 29-Apr-19 18:33:52

I'm just going through my 4th miscarriage (also had 1 near fatal ectopic) - the first loss my DH took very hard but I was 12 weeks and he was very supportive - 2,3 and 4 not so much but they have been much earlier. With my ectopic the hospital arranged a funeral and he decided not to attend - I was upset for a bit but my male boss said that most men find it difficult to engage with pregnancy - they don't feel the hormones or the symptoms or the body changes the way we do. Now I don't get upset when he doesn't react the same way I do. I would say we are much closer now than we ever were before because I accept the way he deals with it and don't push him to be showy with his emotions - miscarriage and infertility is very lonely and we don't have an overly sympathetic/empathetic family so we re very much in this together and it has made us stronger in many ways xxx

Finalyfine Mon 29-Apr-19 20:17:00

Everyone grieves differently and some people even experience delayed grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I found my stillbirth very hard and dh delt with it really well. He said yes it hurt to bury my son but it was nothing like my dm. So he compared it to the loss of his mother and openly admitted that I had a bigger connection as I "knew" him more. His first movement I felt, when he used to move more ect. He only took 1 week off from work but asked first if it would be ok if I could find other people to relate with. As he said he was not sure could provide the support I needed. My emotions it confused him. So I accepted outside support, ie I called sands hotline and just cried. I was then offered to communicate via email as I couldn't make sense over the telephone.

There is no shame in crying and if it will help try organisation dedicated to pregnancy loss. My dh was excellent when I gave him clear instructions on what I wanted him to do for me and he followed them really well. He took me for lots of walks & only hugged me when asked. I had a weird thing when sometimes a hug would only make the crying worse and make me feel suffocated.

At first once a week date night was introduced, a night where I personally hoped and tried to not cry or mention baby. I ended up asking so many questions dh started calling it interview night. It slowly gets better but you will never forget. The whole getting ready for a night out lifted my mood slightly at the early days. Until when it came to leave the house, I had to convince myself to leave.

liveinhope100 Tue 30-Apr-19 08:13:00

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted I'm so sorry to hear of your losses but I'm glad you and Dh are even closer. I can't seem to find the right words today my head is still all over the place but it's nice hearing from others.

@Finalyfine What a devestating loss I'm really sorry to hear what you went through. There seem to be so many resilient women on here. I think I might speak to sands like you did and probably by email as I can't seem to easily express how I'm feeling when speaking to my friends or OH. Just don't feel myself at all right now I don't want to see or speak to anyone.

I hope you both end up with everything you wanted. Thanks for sharing x

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Avf88 Tue 30-Apr-19 18:58:08

I miscarried 4 weeks ago, for the first week OH was very good, obviously upset himself, tried to look after me too.... now it’s like it hasn’t happened. I’m physically ok but mentally not. I have good days but on the bad ones he calls me grumpy which really annoys because I’m not being grumpy, I’m still devastated. The other day he sent me a message saying “we should get this cup” and a picture of a cup saying yummy mummy... is that a sick joke?!

If I’m having a bad day I now just go to bed early... I ring my mum or I read through the boards here. I haven’t got any friends that have been through this so they don't really know what to do either. I keep a diary too as I sometimes think just writing all my thoughts out, no matter how mental they sound, some times makes me feel a bit better, like it gets them out of my brain...

We also have to remember they are upset too but deal with it differently☹️ The date night think is a good idea, maybe not even a date but a time when you can be together and be really open xxx

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted Tue 30-Apr-19 19:45:04

I keep a diary too - of quotes and thoughts really rather than a day to day thing. I'm open about my miscarriages but I know it makes other people uncomfortable and they don't know what to say/say the wrong thing so I write it down instead. I'll go back to it from time to time and read through it again - have a good cry and then put it away for a while x

Samk79 Tue 30-Apr-19 19:51:07

@liveinhope100 sorry for your loss. I had my mc last month. I hi have surgical intervention and in total with the bleeding before and after, it lasted almost a month. I've struggled emotionally with it. At the time, my partner was amazing. In his eyes though, we lost a baby and need to get over it and trying upset doesn't achieve anything.
I have two older W children from a previous marriage. This was our first baby together, I'm almost 40 and he is 45. We haven't yet had the conversation about trying again x

liveinhope100 Wed 01-May-19 09:44:50

@Avf88 I completely understand. I'm the same, physically im ok (except for throwing up) but mentally i'm literally a mess. I just feel different since it happened, like there is a darkness over me sad

I've been doing the same thing as well. I just go to bed if I feel bad and speak to my mum whenever I can't cope. I think your right about the date night as well. I've lost my spark and motivation so I always used to plan stuff for us to do now I don't do anything so I need to start doing that again.

Thanks for sharing and the advice. I hope things get a lot better for you xx

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liveinhope100 Wed 01-May-19 09:47:51

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted It's true people don't know what to say and can say the wrong things. I've also found it hard really expressing how I feel with people so diary is good idea. Wish you all the best flowers

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liveinhope100 Wed 01-May-19 09:54:54

@Samk79 I'm so sorry to hear what you had to go through. It must have been so difficult. Glad your partner was good at the time, that's when we need it most but it does seem to be quite often men have this practical approach and just seem to get on with things. This is why these forums are so comforting at times. xxx

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StitchingMoss Wed 01-May-19 09:58:13

OP, I really really feel for you. I’ve had 3 m/cs - two before I had my DC and one much wanted 3rd baby.

M/c is such a strange loss as everyone deals with it so differently - and I don’t think it’s a male/female thing as my dh was fab but my girlfriends were by and large pretty clueless (one invited me to a mums’ night out to help me take my mind off it shockhmm).

Be kind to yourself and do what u need to do to get through it x It’s a lonely place IME x

Itsnotme123 Wed 01-May-19 09:59:19

I remember my mc a long time ago now. I had a healthy child and then my second pregnancy miscarried. The specialist said I will be able to have another healthy child as I already have one. My dh was upset of course, but I seemed to blame myself. A friend said to me that it takes two to have a mc, which is the best thing anyone said to me. Another friend who had had a miscarriage before said that I won’t feel right until I have another healthy baby. She was right. I had baby number two 7 years later. It’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

It’s a life experience, a horrible one, and I hope you all get through it. flowers

liveinhope100 Wed 01-May-19 12:10:32

@StitchingMoss thank you, really appreciate the supportive words and advice. It is a weird time and i'm very cautious about which girl friends I tell because as you say a lot can be clueless and say the wrong thing. It's lovely to hear you have a DC though, it's nice to know after two m/c it is still possible to have a healthy baby.

@Itsnotme123 Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so pleased it worked out for you in the end. I will stay positive that one day I will have a healthy child...or hopefully three or four smile

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