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Partner doesn't want to ttc after late miscarriage

(9 Posts)
Clarebear198 Sat 02-Mar-19 21:52:50

I have just suffered a late miscarriage at 16 weeks, which is devastating for us all but I always wanted another baby before I got pregnant and still do. Is it bad to feel so emotional and disappointed that he doesnt want to try again? He says he never wanted another but just went along with it when I found out but he was more excited then I was when telling people and thinking of names and what to buy more then i was. He also said he never wants to see me lose a baby and give birth again as it was to hard.. even though he knows how rare it is and that here is no reason for us not to have a normal pregnancy he still insists on saying no.. am I being selfish still wanting another..I dont want to replace the son we lost but to fill that part of my heart that I have wanted to fill for the last 2 years. My children are all really upset at losing their baby brother. I'm all over the place.. any advice would be greatly appreciated x

OP’s posts: |
ReaganSomerset Sat 02-Mar-19 21:55:27

Sorry for your loss, OP. No advice as such, but I'm sure someone knowledgeable will be along shortly. flowers

Squiff70 Sat 02-Mar-19 22:38:48

I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently had a late miscarriage (twins) at 19 weeks so I know what it's like to have to go through labour and give birth to such a small but much-wanted baby/ies.

I understand your partner's reaction - you have to bear in mind he's been through a huge trauma just like you have and you're both likely still in shock (it's been 7 weeks for me and I know I am). I think - and hope - he will change his mind in time. Give him time and I'm sure he'll come round. Losing a baby is one of the hardest things a person can go through whether you're the mother or father and it'll take him some time to get his head around it and even think about moving on.

Time is your friend, but for now concentrate on grieving for the little one you've so recently and sadly lost and the future will work itself out later.

Clarebear198 Sat 02-Mar-19 22:51:36

Squiff70 sorry for your loss😞

I never expected to have to give birth and it happened so quickly from finding out at our scan that our boy had died and 3 days later being induced. He is great and I couldn't ask more from him and I know men handle grief differently an we do talk. I hope in time he will let us try again. I have really struggled today and my eyes are so sore from crying as my body doesnt look pregnant anymore an it's like my hearts been pulled out of my chest. Thank you xx

OP’s posts: |
TyanneRivers Sat 02-Mar-19 23:00:17

I’m so sorry that the both of you are going through such a painful experience words can not express how sorry I am for you both. I hope with time that you will heal. I think each person grieves differently and that each of you should take time to grieve before you start trying again xx

AliceRR Sat 02-Mar-19 23:09:30

I’m sorry for your loss OP

I recently (last month) had a stillbirth at 40 weeks and I know from my experience of this that it is very traumatic for our partners as it is for us and also they had to see us go through something really difficult in giving birth to our sleeping babies.

My husband had talked about having another and other times said he doesn’t know if he can do this again. Our situations are slightly different in that this was my first child but he had two boys already. I think he would have another baby with me but a big part of it is that after going through this I think he just wouldn’t deny me another baby.

But it’s early days. I don’t know how long it is but you say you’ve “just” been through this.

If your husband is anything like mine the best thing to do might be to not push it for now. Even with my husband, as much as I know I want to have another baby, I think about it a lot, I am trying not to go on about it and then he’ll feel under pressure and be more likely to have second thoughts. Obviously your husband might be different.

If so the other thing I’d suggest is waiting some time (depending on how long it’s been) and then speak to him again about how much it means to you and what his reservations are xx

Ithinkthatsenough Sat 02-Mar-19 23:09:48

Hi @Clarebear198, i went through the exact same thing end of last year. 16 weeks, induction, d and c weeks later for retained products... was pretty rough.
Ive just had my first period and ovulation after bleeding for 8 weeks, that was a constant reminder of my loss and that things weren’t “right” still.
Its early days, give yourself and your dh time to heal properly before chucking yourselves back into the ttc whirlwind.
Having said that i’m like you... want to try again asap but ive been told to wait until pm reaults on the baby etc as its my second late mc in a year. I have dc’s though so am very thankful for that.
Dont think my post helps you with your predicament but wanted to tell you you arent alone x

Clarebear198 Sat 02-Mar-19 23:35:32

Thank you all,
AliceRR, Ithinkthatsenough sorry for your losses 😔

He has said maybe in time but now he doesnt want another baby so the hope that he might is enough. I also lost a lot of blood and he didn't like the fact I almost needed a blood transfusion. (luckily, for me the d&c vacum removed everything) our lost was last month also so very recent. We do have 2 young ones already so they are my strength at mo. We are also waiting for post mortem results and hope all ok.

OP’s posts: |
AliceRR Sat 02-Mar-19 23:54:06

@Clarebear198 Thank you. We are waiting for PM results too. Maybe wait and see how that goes in that case. It must still be very raw for both of you too xx

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