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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Feeling so guilty :(

3 replies

makkmiss · 28/02/2019 15:22

Hi all, namechanged for this as a few people know my previous username.

I had what I think was a miscarriage last week but not 100% sure and don’t want to talk to anyone in real life about it, was hoping to shed some light on it. I don’t know how I feel about it Sad

Should start off by saying I’m 25, recently married and was not TTC. My last period before this incident was in December, I didn’t have one in January but at the end of December I got back on the pill (Norethisterone) after some time off so put it down to this despite being very regular normally. I did a pregnancy test before starting the pill which was negative. At this point I was slowly putting on weight but thought this was just pizza weight and was a bit moody but nothing out of the ordinary. No morning sickness at all.

In February I had a 2 week holiday to my parents home country, was visiting rural villages so not amazing water or sanitation etc so I decided to delay my next period (assuming I would get one in Feb). I took Norethisterone 3 times a day to do this, I am in the medical field so just checked the BNF for doses etc and now I feel awful I didn’t do a pregnancy test before this as I assumed because I was on the pill it was fine.

A week later whilst on holiday I had awful cramping, more painful than anything I’ve had before and was really constipated and feeling nauseous. I thought it was just a heavy period so put a pad on and dealt with it with some paracetamol. Whilst walking I felt something slimy (sorry don’t know how to describe it that isn’t gross) so went to the loo and found a blood clot almost the length and rough size of my thumb, I was in shock because just from looking at it, it was curled up the way a fetus would be in the womb. It had little red lines where the eyes, nose and ears would be. I started at it for ages and eventually took a photo - I would post it here but don’t know if I should as I know it’s a bit TMI and gross??

As soon as this was out, the ‘period’ stopped (think it was 2 days in total of pain) and so did the nausea. I was staying with my parents and my IL’s and didn’t want anyone to know except DH so kept it quiet and haven’t dealt with how I feel until now.

Me and DH both want to TTC soon but I’m currently doing a masters degree so waiting for that to finish. If I knew I was pregnant then I definitely wouldn’t have taken the pill as I know it increases risk of ectopic pregnancy with just one pill a day never mind three. I feel so horrible and guilty that I caused this Sad and we would have been over the moon to have a baby. I did some calculations and if I was pregnant (which I strongly think I was) the mc was at 6 weeks and I would have been due in September.

I’m 99% sure it was a miscarriage but the 1% I’m not sure about because I don’t feel as sad or even as guilty as I would have thought to feel. Surely you have a bond with a baby even if it is very early and unknown?? I didn’t feel much at the time, just shock and now I feel guilty but don’t feel an emotional connection, if that makes sense?

I don’t really know why I’m posting this really long essay, just need somewhere to say this all. I keep looking at the photo and feel sad that I could have still been pregnant now if I knew at the time.

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Onlyinanemergency · 01/03/2019 14:58

I am really sorry this has happened to you. There is no right or wrong way to feel about a miscarriage, and things will be more confusing for you since you didn't know you were pregnant. Please don't blame yourself for what happened - I have no idea whether the pills you took would lead to a miscarriage but if they did, you didn't do this intentionally. You have nothing to feel guilty about. I hope you have a lot of support in real life. Have you considered some counselling to help you work through your feelings?

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Loti92 · 01/03/2019 19:12

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Livid21 · 02/03/2019 14:28

I've just been googling after something massive came out of me last night (I'm miscarrying and was told on Wed that the sac was gone and just lining left so wasn't expecting a huge, solid chunk) and I saw someone on another post on here mention a decidual cast.
The pictures on google (not if you're eating, seriously) look a bit like what came out of me.
Apparently you can lose one even if you're not pregnant/miscarrying though.It might be that you passed a decidual cast and were never pregnant - which might ease your guilt x

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