A little support needed...

[mommato3]

Hi all. I’m new here. This seems to be a really great place for extra support. I’ll start with a little about me. I’m 39, I have 3 children 17, 8 and 6 and my partner has 2, 13 and 10. We decided to try for one together so last July we had the Mirena removed. On December 20th we were given the best Xmas present ever only to have it ripped away last week.

On the Monday I started spotting late afternoon. Spoke to the midwife who advised me to speak to the GP. I rang the next morning as it was after surgery closed and I had an emergency appointment at 11.15. He checked my BP and checked my abdomen and contacted EPAU. They couldn’t see me until Thursday and I had my 12 week scan booked for the next day so was told to go to that and hopefully all would be ok. If anything changed to go to a&e. Well it wasn’t. Far from it. At about 5pm the bleeding intensified. Massively. I rung 111 about 7pm, by this time I was pouring blood and clots and could feel them all coming out. There was no way this baby was going to survive. The amount of blood was scaring the life out of me. I arrived at A&E around 8.30pm. Every time I stood up I gushed blood. It was horrible. At almost 11pm we’re sent to the EPAU. By this time I was wearing a hospital blanket as I had soaked through my legging the last time I’d stood up where there’d inserted a canular and taken bloods. I was cleaned out and they’d decided I was to stay overnight for the blood loss to be monitored as they hadn’t found any evidence of pregnancy material. I assumed I had already passed it with what I’d lost. I passed out briefly so was told not to go anywhere alone. Other half reluctantly went home as the kids were to sort for school the next morning. The next morning the bleeding had eased a bit. I was scanned at lunch time where they confirmed everything was gone and there was just bits left in the cervix. I was manually cleaned again and discharged home later that day. That had to be the worst 2 days of my whole entire life.

Almost 2 weeks on I’m still bleeding. I lost a couple of clots this morning so hoping it’s near the end so I can move forward somehow. How long is not normal for the bleeding to stop? I have access to the EPAU until March 6th so if it hasn’t eased by Tuesday which will be 2 weeks I’m going to ring them and see what they advise.

The next problem I have is every single one of my friends is expecting. Some have delivered and the rest are 20 weeks plus. I’m trying to be normal with them but it’s so hard. It’s tearing me apart. I love them all dearly and so want them to have their babies etc but it’s so painful 😭 How do you even move in from this.... My last miscarriage was back in 2000. But I made it to that scan and was told my baby had died and had a D&C so it was so different to this. I can’t even remember the emotions I carried with that with it being so long ago.

Sorry for the long post but I needed to get it out properly. Thank you for reading xxx

[Squiff70]

I'm so sorry that you've been through such a traumatic experience. I understand what you're going through having lost twins at 19 weeks, just 6 weeks ago. It's so distressing, physically and metally battering and you wonder how the hell you're going to 'recover' and get past this. But, you will.

I have a very good friend who is 23 weeks pregnant with twins (we met through Mumsnet) and I am desperate for her and her babies to be all fine. I'm terrified every time she tells me she has pain or bleeding or discomfort (all checked out at the hospital) but equally knowing her babies are growing and kicking and thriving absolutely crucifies me in a way I can't even explain, so I do understand what it feels like to have pregnant friends and have mixed feelings about your loss verses their happy, successful pregnancies (and long may they continue).

Please, please just take great care of yourself. You've been through a huge trauma and it'll take time to recover both mentally and physically - there's no rush either. Just feel whatever you feel - it's all normal.

Sending you big hugs!

[mommato3]

I hear exactly what you’re saying. It makes you feel awful doesn’t it. Wanting to be happy for someone but struggling too...
Thank you for your words xxx

[Squiff70]

I do understand, yes. There are no words to describe the range of mixed emotions.

[MadisonC]

Hi @mommato3 & @Squiff70 I hope you don't mind me joining? I had a miscarriage at the end of last year too. We'd only just decided to start trying for a family, I fell pregnant within weeks and we so so happy - it seemed so easy. 4 weeks later I started to bleed, not loads but enough to worry. My pregnancy symptoms disappeared too and I felt like I just knew it was over, but it took over 3 weeks for the hospitals to diagnose a MC, at which point I took medical treatment to pass it.
The grieve at the time was unbearable, now it's just a dull sadness which gets deeper every month I'm not pregnant again. I've also got a few friends pregnant or just had babies, I really want to be happy for them but it seems to bring out the worst kind of envy in me which I hate about myself.
I'm on another thread about the TWW but people there are so positive I struggle feeling like the only one who is low about my situation.
Sorry I'm not being all uplifting and positive, I'm struggling right now. Just know though I really do feel your pain, it's real and worth acknowledging. Sending love xx

[mommato3]

Big hugs madisonc. It’s not a nice thing to have to go through at all and no, I don’t mind you joining at all. We can support each other during this horrible stinking time. I do believe in tune it gets easier but the problem is every month we’re not pregnant reminds us of the time we once was. And still rightly should be. Our time will come.

I passed a large tissue filled clot this morning and now the bleeding seems to have finally stopped. Initially I felt relief as it meant I didn’t have the constant reminder of what was taken away from me but now evening is here I find the sadness returns once again. Grief certainly is a strange thing to deal with. Hugs all round xxx

[mommato3]

And don’t feel the need to apologise for struggling. I believe it’s all natural xxx

[MadisonC]

Thank you 💕 I've had a good nights sleep and getting on with things today. How you both feeling?

[mommato3]

Morning Madisonc. Well yesterday I lost a rather decent sized bit of clotty tissue and have since finally stopped bleeding at last. I feel kind of relieved in a way as the constant reminder is now gone but it’s still a mixed bag. Most of the time I’m ok but I have my moments...
I’m glad you had a good nights sleep hun. Makes a big difference xxx

[MadisonC]

It sounds like it's coming to an end at least, now's the time for you to start taking care of your wellbeing. Do you have a good support network?
For me physically I recovered quite quickly (once it was finally all over), hormones seemed to take a little while, they definitely played their part in making me suddenly cry at anything. The longer-term battle has been getting on with life, you naturally do it because you have to but it's been like I'm doing life in slow motion. Give yourself time and forgive yourself if it takes a little longer to get back on your feet & fully functioning than you planned. Will be thinking of you x

[mommato3]

Yes it does thankfully. Yes I do think I have. My OH is being amazing as is my eldest who’s almost 18. I have a few friends who fully understand but unfortunately they’re all expecting and due within the next 15 weeks.... but they’re there if I need them. And I have mumsnet!
Yes the hormones are a bugger for that! My eldest sent me something this morning which instantly made me cry but overall it comes in waves. Most of the time I am ok and other just not. Yes I can relate to the slow motion but we have 4 children running about as my OH has his 2 living with us as well! It keeps me occupied which is good. I haven’t put a time frame on recovering and the whole grieving process as I don’t believe there is one. Everyone is different. Me and the OH are going to the cinema tonight, our first proper date since we got together haha. Will do us good.

Thank you for you kind words. It means a lot knowing we’re not alone. Hugs to you too xxx