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Should have been having a baby next month, instead I've just had an ectopic removal

(29 Posts)
MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue Thu 21-Feb-19 16:22:07

Hi. I had a MMC last summer. Despite seeing a heartbeat baby measured small at a private early reassurance scan so I booked another a week later. The baby was gone. I miscarried naturally a week after that when I should have been 10 weeks (baby was only measuring 6). It would have been my second child and that baby would have been due on the 1st March.

Three weeks ago I found out I was pregnant again. But something wasn't right. My period was late and I had negative tests, then a faint line. Lines got darker but then the bleeding/spotting started and some weird pain. But my hcg levels were doubling nicely and according to GP I was merely anxious because of my previous loss. They tried to refer me to counselling but I asked for an early scan.

I came to my appointment at the EPU yesterday. The baby was measuring perfectly for six weeks and there was a heartbeat. But it was in my left tube. Whizzed up to theatre to remove it.

I am about to be discharged but how do I get over this? I don't feel I have had time to process this loss. I should have been having a baby next month and now I have one tube and another loss. Why isn't my body working anymore? Why can't I give my beautiful DD a sibling? My heart is breaking and I am so frightened for the future. Meanwhile everyone I know is pregnant and popping out their second and third with no problems. Why the fuck has this happened to me again? sad

OP’s posts: |
AdaHopper Thu 21-Feb-19 16:26:11

So sorry OPthanks. That sounds heartbreaking.

December2018 Thu 21-Feb-19 16:29:29

So sorry hun that's heartbreaking...sending some 💐 your way, stay strong you WILL get thru this

HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame Thu 21-Feb-19 16:54:15

I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. Absolutely awful and my heart goes out to you.

I just wanted to share the experience of a friend of mine. Had first son no problem, no drama in pregnancy or in trying to get pregnant. She then started trying for DC1 when he was about 18 months old. All good, she fell quickly. But it was eptopic. She lost a tube and it was horrible. She did however get pregnant again quite quickly and with this pregnancy developed Hyperemesis. At least that meant the pregnancy was going well, the doctors told her. But despite continuing to be very sick, a scan at 8 weeks showed there was no heartbeat. A third pregnancy a few months later was in her other tube. You couldn’t make this up. She lost the second tube and it seemed all hope was lost. Was just dreadful for her and people kept saying “Oh but you’ve got your DS” which she said she felt terrible for being angry about, but that made her irrationally cross too because it was so often said by people with no fertility issues. However, she was granted IVF on the NHS and after a couple of rounds fell pregnant with her DD, who is the definition of a miracle. It really did feel like all hope was lost for my friend, but sometimes even in the worst cases of utter hopelessness there’s a ray of light. Got everything crossed for you for DC2 very soon, OP.

lostvoice Thu 21-Feb-19 17:32:12

thanks so sorry you are going through this OP

I had my left ovary removed due to a very large cyst and quickly followed by a miscarriage.

I think you just have to take each day as it comes, particularly while you recover.
Cry when you need to, but also don't feel guilty when you do start to get back to normality.

We hadn't any DC at the time but have since had my DD with the remaining ovary,
I still feel the loss and worry about complications if we were to try for another

thanks

MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue Fri 22-Feb-19 07:07:08

Thank you everybody.

It's lovely to hear about your friends success story @HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame I hate it when people tell me that I have DD. I know I am so lucky to have her (she's amazing!) but also as your friend says, these people have no fertility issues and often have more than one child themselves.

Sorry to hear about your experiences @lostvoice That must have been so hard. How long did it take you to have DD?

My DD is 2.3 and I so wanted a close age gap between siblings. I feel like all my dreams for a family are sipping away. I am 36 so age is a worry of mine but also, DD was a c section birth so my main worry is that that is what is causing these issues.

I am home now but feel so sad and shocked.

OP’s posts: |
lostvoice Fri 22-Feb-19 07:35:03

We decided to try straight away and luckily it only took two months.
It was a straight forward pregnancy except a little high blood pressure at the end x

AdaHopper Mon 25-Feb-19 06:51:12

How are you OP?

WinterHeatWave Mon 25-Feb-19 07:00:07

I'm sorry about your losses.
Take time to grieve and heal.
After that, a positive story for you. My first pregnancy was ectopic. I only have one tube left. Both my sons were conceived in less than 3 months. flowers

MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue Mon 25-Feb-19 08:41:09

Hello. Thank you for all being so kind.

I am very down now. Think I was very focused on getting through the hospital bit and now it's just all a bit shit. I'm also feeling very weak and faint still which might be because (according to my DH!) I keep trying to do too much!

I have come off all social media. There are a few people I know currently due a baby and right now I can't cope with it.

My DD is the only thing keeping me going. I am so grateful for her and love her so much.

OP’s posts: |
iwannabecat Mon 25-Feb-19 14:47:44

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue
I am in the same position as you - daughter who turns 3 soon and have been trying for last 18 months for a sibling as didn't want big gap - 2 miscarriages in 2017 and ruptured ectopic in 2018. My ectopic was caused by scar tissue which formed after my c section - we tried naturally for another 9 months but decided to go with ivf as feel like time is slipping away and it also felt good to be proactive and feel like we were doing something. We re waiting for a date for our frozen transfer.
It's exhausting and lonely dealing with secondary infertility and also pregnancy loss - I found keeping a diary helped of how I felt as at Times I felt that what I had been through was being minimised by people around me. Also my hospital arranged a memorial service and funeral for my ectopic baby which was incredibly emotional but did help me to start moving on and I felt I recovered emotionally quicker from this one than I did my miscarriages x

MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue Mon 25-Feb-19 15:16:36

Hello @iwannabecat. Yes the age gap is now causing me pain. I so wanted two children close together and I just feel that dream slipping away, that is I am even able to have another child.

I also had a c section and it is worrying me that that is the cause of the mc and ectopic, although nothing was mentioned when I was in hospital last week.

I don't think IVF will be an option for us, we simply can't afford it.

I am so frightened for the future and the fact I may very well have to say goodbye to the family I had imagined and hoped for.

OP’s posts: |
iwannabecat Mon 25-Feb-19 15:23:42

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue
I've made peace with the age gap dream now but it has taken over a year - seeing families of little girls obviously close in age still upsets me though but now I just want a healthy baby - although we have set ourselves a limit of 3 cycles of ivf and doing it over the next 12 months (I'll be 36 in April) after that I know I will need to come to terms with being a one child family although I am so grateful to have her. My GP said when I was crying in her office after my ectopic that it's often the second baby we want more and losing it is harder as we know what we ve lost...
There are lots of funding options out there for ivf now - we remortgaged so actually the cost spread over 30 years is negligible
If your still young there is still plenty of time and odds are in your favour - there is a good Facebook support group where lots of members get their happy endings with only having one tube etc xx

MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue Mon 25-Feb-19 15:39:42

I am 37 in September so don't feel age is on my side.

All I want right now is to be pregnant again. I don't even know when you can physically start trying after ectopic?

I have left Facebook and all social media as I am sick of seeing scan photos and pregnancy announcements and new arrivals. Right now I feel so bitter and jealous and resentful and then that makes me cry even more because I am not a nasty person. I am just hurting.

OP’s posts: |
iwannabecat Mon 25-Feb-19 15:49:26

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue
Course you're not a nasty person! You're grieving a baby and a dream of the life you had planned as a family of 4 - I would say I emotionally detached from everyone other than my daughter and husband for a good 12 months afterwards - I didn't mean to but it just happened - my family and friends had never had to go through something like this and they could never truly understand. I also feel much harder than I was before - I don't suffer petty family arguments and trivial shit like I used to. I have changed and I won't ever be the person I was before and people have to respect that this is the new me. You'll find a "new normal" too
I was treated with methotrexate but ruptured anyway and you HAVE to wait 12 weeks to start trying to conceive again after that. With surgery the advice is still 12 weeks to let your body settle down and start to heal
You'll have a post surgery bleed which is like a period but is not your period and will probably be pretty heavy as your HCG levels would have been really high as you had a heartbeat - then probably 5-6 weeks to ovulate again and have another period - bear to wait to have at least one normal period before thing again x

MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue Tue 26-Feb-19 09:04:28

Hoping my periods are ok. After the MC last year my cycles shortened from 33 days to 29 which was actually quite nice! I'm praying they aren't messed up as all I want to do is try again. Time really isn't on my side sad

I've had lots of friends and family text etc to ask how I am. I have just ignored them. I know they care and are trying to be there for me but honestly don't know what to say. I'm mourning, I'm depressed about changes to my body and I'm fucking petrified about the future and what my life will look like. I can hardly text that back can I?! My husband, parents and MIL have been great but honestly I don't feel like anyone understands how I feel right nowsad

OP’s posts: |
MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue Tue 26-Feb-19 09:06:30

Also, I am definitely having a post surgery bleed. It's been no way as bad as the MC last year (that really shocked me, how much and how it came out) and I was scared of having to go through that again. There is a lot of blood and on Sunday I passed a few large clots, but aside from that it's been like a heavy period and I hope i am over the worst.

OP’s posts: |
MaybeDoctor Tue 26-Feb-19 09:18:29

So sorry to hear you are going through this.

Secondary infertility put me into a very dark place and it took me a long time to come through it.

I never got another positive pregnancy test, despite treatment, despite excellent results. Ultimately, on my 41st birthday, I had to give up hoping. I even had to stay home from work that day as I was in such a pit of despair...

The way through for me was ultimately through acceptance, valuing the wonderful child that I have and learning to see the positives of being a family of three - which I can, now.

omalleyalleycat Tue 26-Feb-19 09:19:29

I think it's better to be honest with people when they ask - I'm tired of tiptoeing around people and hiding my feelings so I'm very open and direct now about what I've been through. If that makes them uncomfortable then that's their problem.
Your cycle will probably be a bit strange for next few months before it settles down
See if your GP will refer you for a HSG test to check your other tube is open and clear? Sometimes you need to focus on a little bit of the process at a time and I found feeling like I was taking back control helped me cope x

MaybeDoctor Tue 26-Feb-19 09:20:13

Just send back a generic message: ‘Feeling really low and quite poorly. Not up to chatting. Will get in touch next week’

MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue Tue 26-Feb-19 09:32:11

I am not ready to think about giving up or accept that I have secondary infertility issues. That is just currently making me feel worse. All I have now is hope and for now I am going to cling on to it. I will definitely ask GP to check remaining tube as after it will feel good to know I am trying to do something. I managed to conceive twice in less than a year of trying for no2, just neither worked out. Obviously it could be more painful for me if it never happens again or if something goes wrong but for now all I have is hope that things will get better and I am not ready to give up.

OP’s posts: |
MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue Tue 26-Feb-19 09:33:59

I will use your message @MaybeDoctor. Thank you x

OP’s posts: |
OhTheDramz Tue 26-Feb-19 09:55:11

TheDramz

I had an ectopic, left to self resolve, after 10 months trying to conceive a second DC. It became apparent that the scarring on the tube was so bad it did have to be removed. After recovering from surgery I fell pregnant again 5 months later and had a miscarriage. Three months later conceived again and although we had been trying, when I got that BFP I was devastated. I smoked two cigarettes having not smoked for years and cried my eyes out. I was not ready to go through another loss.

Anyway, you’ve guessed the rest.... BFP is now 3. DS1 is 7 and it’s not the age gap I ever wanted but actually it’s worked brilliantly. That horrible time feel like a bad dream now.

OhTheDramz Tue 26-Feb-19 09:56:17

And although it felt like we had trouble conceiving, actually we never breached any thresholds for that definition... I always conceived within 12 months and only had two losses. It felt shit, but actually it was completely within the bounds of normality.

MaybeDoctor Tue 26-Feb-19 11:03:04

Completely understand your feelings.
Wishing you all the best flowers

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