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First miscarriage and others blaming my health for my miscarriage

(12 Posts)
Epratt Sun 17-Feb-19 09:55:32

I'm so sorry but I need to vent because i don't know who to talk to: This was our first time pregnant (I'm 25) and we were so excited for our ten week ultrasound. When we went we were told that there was no heart beat and that i had to have a d&c. We were and are in shock and devastated. We reached out to his family and my family for support. I am just so numbed by his families response and it has caused more pain and guilt. (To clarify they are usually very loving and supportive.) They were so upset that i would do a d&c instead of natural and said it was unnatural and should be avoided at all costs. They said I should have done it natural so we would have our babies body in one piece and described to me how horrible the actions are of a d&c. This was before the surgery and i was shaking with guilt and sadness of what would have to happen. We told them that my doctor would only allow a d&c due to medical reasons and that started them blaming my pcos and endometriosis and claiming I caused the baby to die and that i should have waited until i was healthier so i wasn't killing my baby. I already felt like it was my fault but now it is crippling and I don't want to tell anyone else about our miscarriage because I feel so guilty. It has been two days since the surgery and none of his brothers or sisters have reached out. We know from family friends that his parents told all family and friend of our miscarriage and while telling about it blamed my health for the babies death. Our doctor reassured me many times that the baby had been healthy up to the point of the heart stopping and to not blaming myself but now I can't stop blaming me. I can see how isolated my husband feels and i feel that way too and I just want to apologize to the whole world that i miscarried my baby and at the same time i want to to yell at everyone that it wasn't my fault.

OP’s posts: |
khaleesi71 Sun 17-Feb-19 10:12:59

Wow! What cruel and horrid people. I'm so angry for you that these ignorant people have responded to this traumatic and sad loss in this vindictive manner. Miscarriage happens for many many reasons and is, sadly often because the baby is unable to develop further. A D&C at this early stage is the best approach to a quick physical recovery. Who are they to make such ignorant judgements of something they clearly know so little about. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve and when you are ready to face the world again you can and with your head held high. Don't let these toxic people tell you otherwise. thanksthanksthanks

sadtoday21 Sun 17-Feb-19 11:21:15

That is the worst thing in the world to have to go through this without support and to be blamed for something that is absolutely not your fault at all. They are wrong. You did everything right and it’s not your fault. Just try to focus on yourself and what you need to heal at this time. Thinking of you xxx

OMGithurts Sun 17-Feb-19 11:25:46

THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

A lot of pregnancies (1 in 4, possibly more) end in miscarriage. Endo and PCOS won't harm your baby. I have PCOS, my first pregnancy was a missed miscarriage like yours and I also had surgical management. I was pregnant again 2 months later and had a healthy baby girl.

Please cut these awful people out of your life as much as possible.

Muddysnowdrop Sun 17-Feb-19 21:47:54

I don’t think I’d speak to them again and if my dp wasn’t putting them right I would get rid of him too.

Ella1980 Sun 17-Feb-19 21:54:27

I had two miscarriages before my first son-I was 25 and 26 at the time. The second one was a missed mc at 12 weeks and I opted to have a d&c. My (now ex) MIL was very insensitive-I remember her saying "I don't know why you're crying, it wasn't a real baby anyway". This was after an earlier scan in which we had heard his/her heartbeat and everything was absolutely normal. It is NOT your fault. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and it is heartbreaking. You never forget but you learn to live with your loss. Sending virtual hugs x

Artemisduck Tue 19-Feb-19 00:44:00

Gosh, I am so so sorry that you had this response from your family (but glad you could vent here). It's so immensly insensitive and unkind - and plain wrong. You didn't do anything wrong - its not your fault. You're following your doctors advice about the procedure, which is sensible. Please imagine a beautiful cape around you that protects you from their unkind words - wrap yourself and your husband up in it and grieve in your own way.
Thinking of you. Xx

greatandpowerfulozma Tue 19-Feb-19 01:02:49

Oh my! I really feel for you how awful. This is absolutely not your fault. I’m sorry for your loss I hope your own family can help you get through this horrible time. Look after yourself and your dh big big hugs.

AutumnCrow Tue 19-Feb-19 01:07:53

These people are vile.

Please look after yourself, take care 💐

Whattodonut Tue 19-Feb-19 16:18:07

It is not your fault. They are horrible horrible people. God I can't say this enough. When you're having such a sad time they should be supporting you. I am so angry for you.
1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. If the doctor says its nothing to do with your health its nothing to do with your health. What toxic people.
I hope your DP puts them in their place and supports you. And good luck for future pregnancies.

Elizaevans9 Thu 21-Feb-19 15:36:40

It is not your fault. I would never speak to them again as they have been so horrible.

pallisers Thu 21-Feb-19 15:49:37

It is not your fault. One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage.

I had a miscarriage at similar stage (10-12 weeks). My doctor recommended a D&C and I had one. Had 2 successful pregnancies after that and one before. I was the same person and had the same health. One pregnancy failed, the others didn't.

It is not your fault. Your in laws sound ignorant, backward, stupid and nasty. What do they bring to your life? I suspect nothing. I think you should reduce contact to very very little. you'll be amazed at how much better you feel.

If someone said to me that a friend or relative had a miscarriage at 10 weeks but it was her fault "the baby" died, I would judge them very strongly for saying something so stupid and think they were ignorant and horrible.

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