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ERPC yesterday - feeling so lost and utterly heartbroken

(3 Posts)
BRM41 Tue 12-Feb-19 11:36:21

Hi all, I've just joined MN. It's funny, I google it often for advice but have never actively participated in it. I found out over a week ago at a private scan that I had a MMC. I was shellshocked and devastated - I have a healthy DS just turned 3 and didn't even know a MMC was thing. I thought pregnancy loss involved bleeding. Although I did suspect something wasn't right - I just didn't feel any symptoms like I did last time. So we booked a private scan when I was 9+4 and discovered that the baby died at 7+5. They sent us stright to A&E where the staff were wonderful but as it was a sunday they could do little for us and told us to come back the next day to the EPAU.

From then on things got worse, in terms of our treatment. We encountered some rather brusque medical staff who said things like "don't be sad, there's clearly something wrong with this baby so it's better to lose it now than later". I know that's true but not the best way to communicate to a grieving mother whilst conducting an internal scan. That same sonographer also forced me to look at the screen when I had turned my head away as it was just too sad for me to look at.

After some thought and discussion my husband and I decided to opt for ERPC. I've lost a few members of my immediate family and whilst I've healed from that death and loss is really triggering for me. I didn't think I could be brave enough to watch it pass naturally. I had the ERPC yesterday and am surprised that there was only a bit of bleeding yesterday and none whatsover today. Is this normal?

Also, I apologise that this is a long post but any tips on how to srurvive and move forward mentally? I know that miscarriage is a sadly common occurence and we were so spoilt with the ease of conception and pregnancy with my firstborn, but we'd been TTC for ages for this child and I am heartbroken. To make matters worse we started renovations on our house this week so had to pack up and move out last week with this all hanging over our heads. We're temporarily living with my mother who is 2 hours away from our home. I feel uprooted. I know it's incredibly kind of her to have us move in and we're grateful for the roof over our heads but I have a really difficult relationship with my mother. It links to the beravements in our immediate family a few years ago. She has a narcissitic personality and cannot cope with the MMC situation because as weird as this sounds, it's all about me and not her and she can't cope with the attention not being on her.

I feel at my lowest point. No freedom to do as I want in her home, no baby on the way and like my body failed me. I am so sad and so heartbroken. My friends have been so kind in keeping in touch with me but since the ERPC I can't even face speaking to them so have kept my phone switched off. I am so lost and so desperate to be pregnant. I've been signed off work for a few weeks for which I'm grateful. I don't even know how I am going to explain this absence to my employer and team at work. I feel like I'm spiralling and drowning in a black hole. I am so sad. Any and all advice gratefully receieved.

Easterbuns1 Tue 12-Feb-19 11:57:07

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I had a mmc in September and can honestly say despite having friends who had lost babies and spoken about it I had absolutely no idea that it was such a heartbreaking thing to go through til I experienced it myself. The system of grieving something you never properly had is such a strange one. I opted for medical management rather than surgical so can't advice on that but all I can say is the cliche is right, the pain and heartbreak does decrease as time goes by. Take as much time as you need to grieve and heal emotionally. There will always be triggers and reminders but the darkness does lift.

Some people like a little break before ttc again but we decided to start again as soon as I had physically healed.

Take care of yourself.

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly Tue 12-Feb-19 19:38:45

I had a mmc 2yrs ago at 11 weeks with twins. It was awful, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Myself, I didn't cope with it at all, I completely lost the plot and became obsessed with getting pregnant again, it nearly broke my relationship and ruined most of my friendships as well, as they'd try and kindly broach the subject and I'd just go off like a bottle of pop.
Fortunately I'm past the worst of it, but unfortunately it never leaves you. It creeps up on you in the most unexpected ways and at the most random times. I hope you have a lot of real life support, and please lean on them as much as you can.

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