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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

First Pregnancy Missed Miscarriage

999 replies

sadtoday21 · 10/02/2019 16:14

Hello everyone - I've never posted on these forums before, but I had a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks and I found out at the 12 week dating scan two days ago. It was my first ever pregnancy. Yesterday, I had D&C and now recovering. Really healthy otherwise and no signs at all that anything was wrong during the pregnancy, although I never had any morning sickness.

I am really in shock and this happened on the 1 year anniversary of my mom's death (breast cancer), so the whole thing just feels like too much to handle. DH (dear husband) is very supportive, but I don't have any women friends to talk to, besides one who is more than 20 weeks pregnant and well...I just can't deal with that. Any advice on how to recover emotionally and also when to start trying again? GP said to wait 3 weeks, but I don't think I can wait that long. Please help and thank you.

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sadtoday21 · 10/02/2019 16:57

Also, can anyone tell me whether there is a medical reason to wait more than two weeks after D&C before TTC again? The midwife said to wait 3 weeks to get a negative pregnancy test, but it seems this is maybe just for dating purposes and to avoid getting false positives later? I cannot find a straight answer to this question...

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kittycat01 · 10/02/2019 19:21

@sadtoday21

I am so sorry for your loss. I was pregnant with my first before Christmas and had a missed miscarriage discovered at my 12 weeks scan. I had surgical management/D&C after medical management didn't work. My doctor said I could try as soon as I had a negative pregnancy test but waiting until after my first period was advised for dating purposes. I also heard the first period can flush anything left over out too but don't know how true that is! I started trying again 2 1/2 weeks after the operation (as soon as the bleeding/brown discharge stopped and after getting a negative test) and got what I thought my first period was on Monday just gone but I passed something strange today and have an out of hours appointment to see what just happened so will let you know what it is/if it was related to the surgery/miscarriage.

In terms of feeling better again, I'm still very down about the whole thing but a lot better than I was. My friend had a baby 3 weeks after my miscarriage and my sister in law announced her pregnancy to family an hour before we found out about our miscarriage. It is very unfair. You will feel happier again but it can take time. If you want to try again then go for it if you think it's the right thing to do. Only you can judge that! All the best and let me know how you get on xxx

kittycat01 · 10/02/2019 23:04

@sadtoday21 well I just got back from the out of ours and they confirmed I've had a further miscarriage since my D&C on Xmas eve! They said I should have waited 3 months or at least until after a period to give my uterus time to repair. Apparently if you don't do this then it's likely you'll miscarry again as your uterus can't cope. I don't know how true this is but I'm definitely going to wait now! xx

mommymooo · 10/02/2019 23:22

I'm so very sorry for your loss. This has happen to me and I know it's hard but you do need to wait for your body to recover and you had a D&C so your lining is all thin you need to wait to get it all thick and squishy again so that baby can snuggle right in and grow all strong and healthy. Please get an app on your phone called my diary it's great loads of bits to help you. Have a proper period and get that negative test. It may seem forever but trust me my boy is 3 now and going through all that seems like yesterday xxx

Wolfiefan · 10/02/2019 23:25

My first pg was a mmc. We did wait until after my next period to try again. Was advised to do so for dating purposes more than anything.
I fell pg again about three months after the d&c. He’s now a teen.
Good luck OP. Be kind to yourself and let yourself heal both physically but also emotionally.

sadtoday21 · 10/02/2019 23:48

@kittycat01 I am so very sorry to hear that. No one should have to go through this twice. Thinking of you and hoping you can find some peace and strength to recover. It is really hard to think of trying again after something like this happens, but I guess all we can do is keep moving forward.

Thank you so much for answering my message and sharing your story with me. Your situation sounds so similar to mine - we also told our families we were pregnant over xmas (first grandchild on both sides). It really helped me to hear from someone else who is going through this too. Here for you if you need to talk xxx.

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sadtoday21 · 10/02/2019 23:57

@mommymooo Thank you so much for reaching out and I am so sorry for your loss too. I'm so happy you have a healthy boy now - it gives me hope even though I know it can't possibly make the loss any easier.

@Wolfiefan I am so sorry that your first pregnancy also ended like this. It's so great to hear that you went on to have a healthy pregnancy three months later. Will try my best to wait for a negative test and AF, just hope it does not take months...Thank you so much for your advice.

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explodingkitten · 11/02/2019 00:04

It's best to skip a cycle (but feel free to use the pill so your cycle isn't too long) because you want your womb to be healthy again for a new pregnancy. Actually, the rest of your body won't mind getting healthier as well. A pregnancy uses your stored vitamins and building blocks first.

explodingkitten · 11/02/2019 00:09

I had a couple of miscarriages and an ectopic and I had a depressed and angry phase about 4-5 weeks afterwards. Just a heads up that it can happen, it also passes. I think it's the hormones.

I'd also like to say that most miscarriages happen because there is a genetic fault with the embryo and it could not have been prevented. It doesn't mean that the next pregnancy has worse odds. The odds are still on your side that if you get pregnant, in 80% (iirc) of the cases it will result in a baby.

Seline · 11/02/2019 00:12

Just to clear up some info that doctors seem to be giving out which is outdated - you are not at risk if another miscarriage if you conceive straight afterwards. That's an old myth and I'm sad that people are telling women this!

It's rubbish. I had two of these and one natural miscarriage. Awful awful experience.

sadtoday21 · 11/02/2019 12:36

@Seline I am so sorry you had to go through this more than once. It is truly awful and I don't know how you had the strength, but admire your courage.

I am also wondering whether it is a myth or not, I really understand what @explodingkitten and everyone else is saying about the uterine lining needing time to heal, I just don't know how my body is going to recover/react to all of this. I am afraid to try again too quickly in case it happens again and also afraid to wait too long, since I heard you are more fertile after.

My midwife said it takes 4-6 weeks to get your period back, but it took me 7 weeks to get it back after stopping the pill. I feel like my body may be slow to release the hormones, particularly since I assume my HCG levels were high at 9 weeks when it stopped. Anyone else have any info on this issue?

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Seline · 11/02/2019 12:47

It's a definitely a myth. Every month your lining sheds and regrows with the menstrual cycle.

If it's at all reassuring about 4-6 weeks after my last missed miscarriage I conceived natural twins, they were born prematurely but both are fine now.

sadtoday21 · 13/02/2019 17:36

OK this is just to vent...I think the stigma surrounding miscarriage is absurd and completely backward. Women don’t talk about it, doctors act like everything is fine until it actually happens, nobody warns you how common and tragic it is. And also no one says the right thing unless they’ve gone through it. I had to take an hour train and taxi ride after my D&C and the cab driver just kept yelling at me while DH was is the pharmacy getting me some pads. I turned to him and said I just had surgery for mmc and can you give me a break here???!! He just muttered angrily at me. I wonder how he would feel if he had a baby die inside him and it was dead for three weeks and he didn’t know it was dead and just kept loving it and then had to get it cut out of him.

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mommymooo · 14/02/2019 11:28

You vent and scream away I feel away I know your pain. I've been through 4 D&C or EPRC. They are so numbing they make you feel empty. Xxxxx

sadtoday21 · 14/02/2019 18:08

@mommymoo Thanks for saying that. I didn’t expect to be so angry as well as sad. I guess it doesn’t help that it’s Valentine’s Day and all around me are happy couples. I feel like nobody understands but the women on here.

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LillyLeaf · 14/02/2019 19:48

I have been surprised at my up and down emotions. It been 2 weeks since I started bleeding. I should have been 12 weeks today and today was a hard day, hopefully tomorrow will be better. I keep telling myself it will get better. It's ok to vent.

sadtoday21 · 14/02/2019 20:38

Thanks @LillyLeaf it is a hard day today, I don’t know why exactly. I had my surgery on Friday and I was ok until today and then I just started crying randomly at various times today and I couldn’t control it. I also feel like I hate everyone around me and just want to be alone. Is this normal?

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Summergarden · 14/02/2019 20:47

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It happened to me too- only found out at the 12 week scan that things had gone wrong weeks before.

Everything you’re feeling is normal and ok. There is such a mix of emotions to cope with- disappointment, grief, anger...

I’m not sure whether it’s a myth or not about waiting to try again. My doctor said to wait 2 months, so we did.

I can still remember it all so clearly, and even though it took almost a year to fall with DD1, I now have 3 DCs and it was worth all the stress to get them.

I read somewhere that a high percentage of first pregnancies end in miscarriage, more than you realise because some women have very early ones without even realising they’re pregnant.

Best of luck for TTC again, but allow yourself to grieve and heal.

Wolfiefan · 14/02/2019 20:52

Completely and utterly and totally normal.
I have never sunk quite so low as when I had my MMC. It was close to two decades ago and I will never forget just how awful it was. I wanted to hide in the house (in the big squishy armchair) and just cry until there was no water left in my body. I was overwhelmed and it came in waves.
You must be kind to yourself. You’re allowed to feel whatever you feel. Take time to grieve.

sadtoday21 · 14/02/2019 20:55

Thanks @Summergarden I really appreciate your kind words and I’m also really sorry for your loss. My DH thinks it is over now and i just have to be strong and move on, but I don’t really know how to do that. I felt like I hated him today and it was so strange to feel something so strongly that I know isn’t true at all. Maybe it’s the hormones or just that partners cannot fully understand the physical side of the emotional pain.

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bananamonkey · 14/02/2019 21:23

I’m sorry @sadtoday21 that cab driver was a total dick. I’m struggling today, my surgery was Tuesday and I was feeling ok afterwards but now it’s been tears since this afternoon. I don’t know if it’s hormone levels starting to drop maybe. I’m so lonely but it’s not something I can just reach out and say hey I’ve had an awful time please talk to me or post anything on social media about.

sadtoday21 · 14/02/2019 21:37

@bananamonkey I feel exactly the same way as you. I’m really sorry you are struggling today and I’m here to talk if it helps at all. I hope my hormone levels are dropping too and that’s the reason for today being so awful. It’s really isolating, isn’t it? I also just want to talk about it, but DH won’t and my family avoids it. Sending you big hugs tonight and remember you aren’t alone. xxx

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bananamonkey · 14/02/2019 22:15

Thanks, I’m ok when I’m busy with work or family stuff but I’m finding it really hard when I’m alone, most of my crying has been in the shower. Touching my empty bump in there was the trigger for me today and seemed to open a floodgate!

sadtoday21 · 14/02/2019 22:35

I touch it at night too...it’s just a habit now I guess even though I barely even had a bump at all. I wonder how long it will take to feel “myself” again.

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LillyLeaf · 14/02/2019 22:51

The sadness does come in waves and for me also it happens when I'm alone or not with people I know. It can happen on the bus or tube to work, or when I'm trying to sleep, mostly when my mind is not busy. I try to distract myself before I start thinking about it but that doesn't always work. I think moving on will help me. This was an IVF pregnancy so the thought of having to go through that again is so depressing. But at the same time I'm desperate to start again.

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