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Preparing for the worst

(7 Posts)
lilpeach Tue 05-Feb-19 11:06:26

Hi All.

I guess I'm looking for a bit of hand holding/advice..

I had a feeling of "emptiness" and not feeling pregnant anymore a few days before having a very light bleed. I decided not to worry myself too much over it, and gave it till next day to see if it worsened/got better.
Next day, the day I turned 11wks, the blood persisted so I called EPU who booked me in for an emergency scan for the day after. An hour later I sat on the loo to unfortunately feel the floodgates open and passed what I presume to be a large clot and a lot of blood. Luckily my OH was at home from work and my sister was available to take me up to A&E as the bleeding became severe, I was soaking pads within minutes. The cramps where unbearable.

Fast Forward 6 hours at A&E to when i finally was seen by a very lovely Gynaeo who asked if i had passed any tissue, to which i was unsure as it had all fallen into the toilet water and i was unable to view what had passed. He gave me a vaginal exam to see if any tissue remained and said only clots where there and bleeding is due to stop. Cramps magically disappeared which was a bad sign, he said it could mean all tissue had been passed due to miscarriage.

However, he did say that he couldn't tell me for sure that I had definitely lost my baby, and they can only tell me this at my scan which I am going for in 3 hours time. He gave me a glimmer of hope that my baby may still be alive. I don't want to hold on to this hope only to be destroyed by what I think I already know, I have lost this baby.

I had an abortion a year or so previously and can't stop thinking that it's my fault this has happened, and that I should never have done that to my body, or that baby. And maybe this is my payback for doing it.

Sorry, I guess I need to figure out how to process this properly, but I see so many supportive threads.. I'm just a bit lost.

Pop1234 Tue 05-Feb-19 13:58:13

So sorry OP. I know how it feels as I've had 3 miscarriages in the last 6 months. Hope you are ok x

lilpeach Tue 05-Feb-19 17:31:04

Oh, Pop sad I feel this is one of the cruelest things a woman could endure. Once is bad enough, I can only wish for success for you on your next attempt <3 We are all led to believe that this is the easiest, most natural thing for a woman. But it really bloody isn't.

Just seems like everybody on my social media, friendship groups etc gets it right first time and can't help but feel useless and disappointed in myself. But the midwives assured me it's really quite common and there's nothing that could have prevented it. It just wasn't meant to be. But I really was so excited to become a mother.

Had my scan and confirmed MC. Can't stop crying.

LillyLeaf Tue 05-Feb-19 19:14:05

@lilpeach so sorry for your loss. You are right, it's cruelest and hardest thing I've ever been through. I coped fine with the physical side but the emotional side is a million times worse. If you can, take time off work. I miscarried Friday/Saturday but had known for over a week and I'm back to work trying to keep it together. Look after yourself.

FeelingFlat Wed 06-Feb-19 09:23:02

So so sorry for your loss - I hope you have a good support network x

lilpeach Thu 07-Feb-19 10:25:44

Thank you both, my DP has kept me in one piece and it has actually brought us closer. Silver linings...

Every day is a different emotion but all we can do is pick ourselves up and move on. This has given me a new appreciation of just how strong women are.

AmIOTTconcerned Thu 07-Feb-19 10:33:01

You're both doing amazing. I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

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