Preparing for the worst

[lilpeach]

Hi All.

I guess I'm looking for a bit of hand holding/advice..

I had a feeling of "emptiness" and not feeling pregnant anymore a few days before having a very light bleed. I decided not to worry myself too much over it, and gave it till next day to see if it worsened/got better.
Next day, the day I turned 11wks, the blood persisted so I called EPU who booked me in for an emergency scan for the day after. An hour later I sat on the loo to unfortunately feel the floodgates open and passed what I presume to be a large clot and a lot of blood. Luckily my OH was at home from work and my sister was available to take me up to A&E as the bleeding became severe, I was soaking pads within minutes. The cramps where unbearable.

Fast Forward 6 hours at A&E to when i finally was seen by a very lovely Gynaeo who asked if i had passed any tissue, to which i was unsure as it had all fallen into the toilet water and i was unable to view what had passed. He gave me a vaginal exam to see if any tissue remained and said only clots where there and bleeding is due to stop. Cramps magically disappeared which was a bad sign, he said it could mean all tissue had been passed due to miscarriage.

However, he did say that he couldn't tell me for sure that I had definitely lost my baby, and they can only tell me this at my scan which I am going for in 3 hours time. He gave me a glimmer of hope that my baby may still be alive. I don't want to hold on to this hope only to be destroyed by what I think I already know, I have lost this baby.

I had an abortion a year or so previously and can't stop thinking that it's my fault this has happened, and that I should never have done that to my body, or that baby. And maybe this is my payback for doing it.

Sorry, I guess I need to figure out how to process this properly, but I see so many supportive threads.. I'm just a bit lost.

[Pop1234]

So sorry OP. I know how it feels as I've had 3 miscarriages in the last 6 months. Hope you are ok x

[lilpeach]

Oh, Pop :( I feel this is one of the cruelest things a woman could endure. Once is bad enough, I can only wish for success for you on your next attempt

[LillyLeaf]

@lilpeach so sorry for your loss. You are right, it's cruelest and hardest thing I've ever been through. I coped fine with the physical side but the emotional side is a million times worse. If you can, take time off work. I miscarried Friday/Saturday but had known for over a week and I'm back to work trying to keep it together. Look after yourself.

[FeelingFlat]

So so sorry for your loss - I hope you have a good support network x

[lilpeach]

Thank you both, my DP has kept me in one piece and it has actually brought us closer. Silver linings...

Every day is a different emotion but all we can do is pick ourselves up and move on. This has given me a new appreciation of just how strong women are.

[AmIOTTconcerned]

You're both doing amazing. I'm so sorry for your loss