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How can this be happening?

(94 Posts)
Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly Sun 23-Dec-18 22:47:03

34 weeks pregnant with a baby with several severe issues that are detailed in previous posts. Had reduced movements last night but for some stupid fucking reason decided it was probably nothing. No movement at all this morning so went into triage to be scanned and told my baby has no heartbeat sad
This is all my fault, she was still alive last night, and had I gone in, she probably would have been delivered and alive. I have literally ignored my baby until it was too late. Don't even know what I expect people to say, hopefully this can serve as a warning if nothing else?

MarmaladeAtkinsX Sun 23-Dec-18 22:51:43

I’m so sorry for you flowers. I haven’t read your previous posts, but wanted to let you know people are here for you.

Life is full if what ifs and hindsight, you can’t let it get in the way of grieving for your child and nor should you blame yourself.

Lbwestf123 Sun 23-Dec-18 22:53:37

I am so sorry for your loss.

It’s absolutely not your fault.
I would try not to blame yourself or think of what you could have done especially as your still going through trauma. Just get through these next few hours the best you can.

Sending love and thoughts ❤️

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly Sun 23-Dec-18 22:57:50

Thank you both, my partner says the same, but (and I'm not saying this out of self pity, more out of disbelief at my own fucking stupidity) it literally is my fault. I sat there thinking that I needed to get checked out, and for some unknown reason, decided that there was no need and she'd be fine! Why? Why was I so stupid? I genuinely don't think I've ever done something so stupid or irresponsible in my life before!

flashbac Sun 23-Dec-18 23:00:17

On your other thread you said the consultant said there was a slim chance of your baby surviving. Please don't blame yourself. This is not your fault. You did not cause this. You will get through this awful experience x

MrsHares17 Sun 23-Dec-18 23:01:39

@Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly Oh I am so so sorry thanks
It's not your fault my darling, you couldn't have known.
Please don't be so hard on yourself.
I lost my babies last year, and the night before it happened I had a weird discharge-I didn't get it checked at that time, and I laboured 12 hours later.
I've spent everyday since wondering what if, what if.
Lots of love to you and your precious baby girl X

Teachermommy Sun 23-Dec-18 23:03:18

Oh my, you poor, poor love.
Please, please don't beat yourself up. It is so hard to recognise reduced movement- lots of people wouldn't seek help until it had gone on for a while. I remember when I was pregnant wondering if movement had reduced or if I'd just been too busy to notice.
This is absolutely not your fault.
I'm so sorry for your loss. flowers

Lbwestf123 Sun 23-Dec-18 23:03:28

I am so sorry you are suffering from this loss but blaming yourself will eat you up inside. It is not your fault and you are not the only mother that’s made a decision about movements and chosen to delay going to the hospital.

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly Sun 23-Dec-18 23:05:41

Yeah I was basically told to prepare for the worst, but I also had it absolutely drummed into me how important it was to keep an eye on her movements and that if I came in with reduced movements they would deliver her rather than risk anything sad I just feel so angry at everything, but most of all at myself. It's Christmas and I've got to find a way to tell my son that his little sister has died. How do I do that?!

springchicken123 Sun 23-Dec-18 23:08:08

OP I am so so sorry 💐

MarmaladeAtkinsX Sun 23-Dec-18 23:09:13

You weren’t stupid, and this is not your fault. You don’t know that the hosp would have done, or that if you’d have gone in your DD would have been delivered safely, that you would be ok, or that she would have survived.

You’re rightly shocked, saddened and looking for reasons to explain this,but please don’t blame yourself.

Hold your DP tight and just be ok with being sad, it’s no use tying yourself up in knots for now x

Lbwestf123 Sun 23-Dec-18 23:11:12

I understand you completely. The only thing I can say that helped me when I lost my baby was SANDS online forum and counselling. The women on sands are really supportive and all those negative emotions you are feeling you’ll be safe to vent there. X

purplerainbows Sun 23-Dec-18 23:14:12

I am so sorry for your loss OP, please don't blame yourself thanks

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly Sun 23-Dec-18 23:15:25

Obviously the emotions are all raw and new, but I wouldn't have expected the way I'm feeling. I almost feel like I want to be done and dusted with the whole pregnancy as quickly as possible, I don't really want a funeral, I just want to know my baby is at peace somewhere but I don't want to make any of the decisions which I'll have to make. I don't know how I'll pay for a funeral, I don't know how I'll tell my son, and all our extended family. I don't know how I cope with other people's grief when I can barely begin to process my own sad

Handsoffmysweets Sun 23-Dec-18 23:18:25

Please please please believe that this was not your fault. As PP said, life is full of what ifs. Based on what your consultant said (and I really don’t mean this to sound cras), it sounds like the outcome wouldn’t have been any different. I am truly so sorry for your loss x x

user1489792710 Sun 23-Dec-18 23:18:48

So sorry for your loss thanks.

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly Sun 23-Dec-18 23:27:05

Thank you. If anyone has any details about what exactly will happen after giving birth they'd be gratefully received. The NHS website gives some details, but not enough.

MrsHares17 Sun 23-Dec-18 23:28:09

Please please don't blame yourself.
For now concentrate on yourself and your immediate family. No one else matters right now.
With regards to a funeral, most local authorities provide their services for free, and most funeral directors provide discounted services for babies.
Take things minute by minute, hour by hour until you tick the days off.
Have you been allocated a bereavement support midwife?

pisspawpatrol Sun 23-Dec-18 23:28:32

So sorry for your loss. This is not your fault.

Please look at SANDS, they have excellent information and support available. You also may be able to find out more information about funeral arrangements for your daughter from them.

SageYourResoluteOracle Sun 23-Dec-18 23:29:43

I'm so sorry for your loss OP and echo what everyone else has said: this is categorically not your fault.

Re coping: we always are lead to believe that we must cope but actually you don't. You just have to get through it. Coping is about resilience but that doesn't mean you have to deal this the shitty awful things that life can throw at us with great aplomb or with dignity or 'well'... you just have to take each step at a time when you can and not worry about everything at once. Just trust you'll somehow manage to do it. My mum - who is extremely wise and who has coached me through some devastating times - always says that it's not how you cope that's important it's just that you cope as in get through it by any means possible. Sending you a virtual hug thanks and thoughts of peace for your darling daughter.

jackio2205 Sun 23-Dec-18 23:33:09

Hun you're going to go through eeeeeeeeevery emotion and scenario possible and my advice would be to do it, think and feel it all, dont bottle anything up and talk to whoever about it whenever you want to, get it all out! Truth is, who knows what would have happened, but it didn't and here you are and you've got to tough this bit out because that is all you can do. You have a DC that you're mummy to and will need you, so just try concentrating on that, amongst looking after yourself, just little bits at a time, no future plans or big tasks, just little by little whatever you can manage to do. Drink cups of tea, eat properly, just basic stuff for now, keep the auto pilot ticking and in time things will get a bit clearer for you.
Chin up hun, you have tonnes of support here x

SageYourResoluteOracle Sun 23-Dec-18 23:36:51

After you have given birth, you should be allowed to spend as much time as you wish with your DD. The hospital should have specialist midwives to support you with what is a extraordinarily sad and difficult thing for all involved. They may be able to make some foot and handprints for you to keep and you might want to take some photographs of her. You should be allowed peace in a room as a family and not be hurried. You may wish to speak to the hospital chaplain and you may wish for him or her to bless your baby. I'm shedding a tear for you op and sending love.

Mumof1andacat Sun 23-Dec-18 23:43:03

My brother lost a baby at 23 wks with his gf. Baby was delivered by a midwife who is trained to deal with stillbirth. She was amazing. They have also had support from a charity called SANDS.

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly Mon 24-Dec-18 08:29:08

Thank you for your replies. I guess I just need to get through today and tomorrow as normally as possible for my little boy and then the hard part can begin sad

OrdinaryGirl Mon 24-Dec-18 08:45:18

Oh OP, I am so sorry.
Sending strength to you today, and to all those who've commented that have endured the same. ❤️🕯
Please know that you are surrounded by the love of so many Mumsnetters who are holding you in their thoughts.

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