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Anembryonic Pregnancy - How to Move On?

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louisehdsn Fri 21-Dec-18 18:49:49

I’m posting this partly to share my story in case it resonates with others but also because I’m struggling to cope and move on, and I hoped the wisdom of mumsnet might be helpful.

Almost a month ago (it’ll be a month on Christmas Eve) I had a miscarriage caused by an anembryonic pregnancy, and it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life and I seem to be struggling more and more as the days go by.

This might be a bit TMI for some:

I was almost 11 weeks when I started bleeding lightly. I tried not to panic and told a couple of friends who were very calming and supportive, telling me it can be normal. But the bleeding got worse and we went to A&E that evening only to be told it could be a miscarriage and to come back for a scan in the morning - cue a night of constant crying and panic attacks. At the scan I was told it was likely an anembryonic pregnancy but to come back in a week to be certain.

I was a mess by that point, feeling like I’d failed my husband and our unborn child - but things just went from bad to worse. Two days later, I started bleeding so acutely I was terrified I was haemorrhaging. My best friend and MIL were there and my husband was on his way home at this point. The bathroom floor was covered in blood, as was I, yet I did the typical thing of ‘maybe it isn’t that bad/I don’t want to bother the doctors’ and questioned myself for half an hour - by that time I’d gone through six pads and blood was running down my legs so much so that I became very afraid that this might not be okay and what if I bled out? I ended up back in A&E again and admitted immediately (sorry to the rest of the waiting room who had been there for hours) and given medication to speed the process along. The cramps were excruciating and eventually I was given morphine for the pain. My pain threshold is very high, yet I could hardly bear it.

I was later told that the pregnancy had fallen onto a cluster of nerves, which caused me to pass out from the pain in the bathroom of my hospital room (on the toilet, wearing nothing but an adult diaper around my ankles with blood and clots constantly pouring) and my poor husband thought I’d died. I woke up to doctors and nurses everywhere, looking panicked themselves, and a doctor removed the remainder of my baby with forceps. I stayed in hospital overnight, was discharged, and had a week off work.

Now I’m on iron tablets due to severe anaemia, and my blood pressure and circulation are poor so I feel constantly exhausted and dizzy. Emotionally, I feel worse than I ever did. Everything makes me sob, and I’m so worried about a possible future pregnancy going wrong that I can’t imagine ever being excited or being able to enjoy being pregnant at all. I’ve deleted my FB profile since so many friends seem to be pregnant and giving birth at the moment yet it just makes me feel utterly hollow, which I know is awful but I can’t help it.

Husband and I saw a therapist together this week and he found it really helpful, but I just feel the same if not worse. He’s wonderfully supportive but I feel like I’m dragging him and everyone down with me and don’t know what to do to move on and begin trying again. I don’t feel like I have any dignity left after everything my husband saw even though he keeps reassuring me it hasn’t affected how he feels about me.

Does anyone have any advice? I’m really struggling and don’t know where to turn.

OP’s posts: |
Talkwhilstyouwalk Fri 21-Dec-18 19:23:15

I'm so sorry. It sounds like a horribly traumatic experience! I had a similar one recently with an ovarian had miscarriages as well.

Everyone is different and grieves differently but for me, the only thing that helped was time, and looking forwards by trying again.

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