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2nd MC this year, what do for Xmas & BIL pregnancy news

(10 Posts)
granolacrayons Mon 15-Oct-18 12:10:07

I am feeling very conflicted and could do with some advice. I had my second miscarriage about two weeks ago, and I don't have any children. My husband and I are heartbroken.

My BIL and his girlfriend are having a baby, while this is wonderful news I am finding it very difficult to not feel hurt and jealous. I understand that this isn't rational but I can't help how I feel. Our family doesn't know about our miscarriages, as I wanted to keep it private.

My BIL's pregnancy is unplanned and initially, he was unsure if he wanted to keep the baby. He has been leaning on my husband for emotional support while he processes his feelings, which you can imagine has been very hard for my husband to do while he silently grieves the loss of our babies. We don't know whether to tell BIL about our losses, as we don't want to upset him during what is a happy time for him.

My BIL would like to a celebratory family meal to announce the pregnancy to the wider family. I don't think I could sit through this meal without crying. I also don't think I can manage a family Christmas either. This will be the first grandchild for my MIL and the whole family will be very excited. I am dreading having to sit through this. Any tips on how to cope? Should we avoid these occasions?

granolacrayons Mon 22-Oct-18 10:26:54

please can anyone help?

saddnessinseptember Mon 22-Oct-18 11:41:57

Could you go away for Xmas? Come up with some excuse as to why you want to do it differently this year...”We’ve has a very stressful year (insert anything...work) and have decided to get some sunshine for Xmas?..” tbh (if necessary) could you just be ill on over Xmas (just lie). I couldn’t do it if I were in your situation...we are crying off going to my parents over Xmas...we are saying we can’t get anyone to look after the cats and they’re not vaccinated (they don’t go out by choice) so Cattery isn’t an option.

granolacrayons Mon 22-Oct-18 12:35:02

I think that is what I will have to do. I am not sure I can convincingly lie, as this will be very unusual for us.

I am due to have surgery in November to hopefully avoid another miscarriage, so perhaps I will be in a better mindset if the surgery goes well. BIL sent around a scan photo yesterday and I spent the rest of the day crying, so not sure if that will happen.

WoWsers16 Mon 22-Oct-18 12:46:20

Hey- I’m on the other side in a way- I’m pregnant with my 3rd and my BIL and his partner have had 2 failed IVF attempts this year (last one done privately) and they found out a week after my 12 week scan it hadn’t worked for them. We have been so sensitive with them- my husband rang bil up and told him the news- but did say he found it hard to tell him but didn’t want him to find out another way. I havnt broadcasted it over our family WhatsApp group or anything and generally don’t discuss it with them as know they’re finding it hard.
This is why I think you need to make them aware of what you have gone through- as they may have a better understanding of your emotions.
We are going away at Christmas with them and the mil etc... but know they’re finding the idea of this hard as SIL is having counciling at the moment as finding it a struggle around children.
You need to let them know- and then take it from there. They should be then able to be sensitive for you xx

julygirl Mon 22-Oct-18 13:05:16

HI Granolacrayons (sorry this is a long message!)

So sorry for your loss, its heartbreaking and its sooooo tough to watch others have the moments you want. Long story short from me – my husband had a daughter young (super young) and they are now grown up. I come along, we get married and we want a family (my husband never had the family experience – his ex partner is mean spirited and more than a little crazy). So he was a young, disenfranchised Dad and now wants to have that parent-ship experience with me (took me a long time to get my head around that)

His daughter is in her very early 20s and already has two kids (so my husband was a grandfather at 40) – while we were planning and preparing our family. To say it was hard to watch your daughter in law have two accidental and healthy pregnancies while we were trying (but hadn't mc at that stage) was a freaking understatement. I didn’t want to be around the family while they celebrating, I certainly took it soooo hard and felt so alone. She was pregnant over Christmas and family gatherings and I am very far away from my own family. I felt invisible and completely uncounted.

So I stayed away and made excuses when it was hard or when I knew I didn’t have the strength to put my happy face on. And it was ok, no one really seemed to mine (they didn’t know we were trying or planning). But sometimes I was ok to go to the events and I kept in the background a lot and stuck to the family members I knew were my safe people.

This Christmas, you don’t have to go if you don’t feel up for it – or maybe only go for a little while, to show face but have an excuse to leave early without suspicion. You are allowed to be selfish, you have to put yourself first. But also at the same time, if you time it right it might be a nice experience for you as well. I was surprised how little chat about the baby there was or how easily I could avoid it.

My tips for coping if you do go. Get your BFF to call at some point during the day so you have an excuse to leave the room, talk for a while and have a rant or a cry – I found this sooooooo helpful (one time I asked her to call me again an hour later – I said she was having bf problems). Tell your DH how you feel and tell someone else who will be there that you trust, they can help distract you or manage the conversation. Or instead, blame work or your family but maybe try to arrive late and leave early.

The thing I realised (after several meltdowns about it) is you can’t avoid it forever, and I know that might be harsh – I don’t mean it to be – she will get bigger and the baby will arrive and this is the first of a bunch of heart hurdles you might have to face. It doesn’t get any easier and I found it quite relieving when I got one family event done and dusted cause it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be (not saying that this Christmas is the time to do it, but in a month or so time you might be braver).

But ultimately, you don’t have to make any decisions about it now – that’s a guarantee – you have two months to decide how you feel. I know that anxiety feeling you have now but just see how you feel and make a call closer to the time. You have enough stress and feelings to process today – this doesn’t have to be one of them.

Sending you all the love and support, you aren’t alone and I hope you are feeling ok. xx

granolacrayons Mon 22-Oct-18 13:07:52

Thanks WoW for giving me your perspective. I feel we do need to tell them as you suggest, but I feel guilty that they will most likely change their behaviour once they know what we are going through. I think I am just so distressed right now, I can't think clearly. I just wish I could disappear.

WoWsers16 Mon 22-Oct-18 13:54:09

Yes but I bet they will want to change as would not want you to feel bad or sad on their account. I would be so sad if I didn’t know and I was saying lots in front of them- then found out all this time they were struggling. I’d hate to put that on anyone. Have you thought about counciling? Bless you- I can’t imaging what you are going through xxx

Mistymeow Wed 24-Oct-18 15:26:09

OP, you are putting an awful lot on yourself. You are managing your own grief and also protecting your family from the sadness of hearing your news. Please put yourself first. Let them know, you don't need to go into any great detail. I'm sure they will understand and give you both the support and space you need. So many couples suffer in silence. I have been these past 6 months until I finally opened up to my friends. I do feel like a weight has been lifted. With my pregnant friends there is no elephant in the room, we talk about what happened and I started to feel more content being around babies. Don't feel guilty, they should change their behaviour to help you- you are family, they love you. They will not want you to suffer in silence, and certainly not on Christmas day. I also agree with the previous poster about counselling. Sending you lots of hugs. It will get better x

Talkwhilstyouwalk Wed 24-Oct-18 16:36:02

Really difficult. There is no word in the English language that means being happy for someone else whilst being sad for yourself.

I totally understand how you feel about this. I have been in a similar position before with my sister in law. I put on a brave face and got drunk as I didn't want to reveal our difficulties. It wasn't actually as bad as I thought it would be, I was after all very pleased for them. There is only so much baby talk you can do once the news is out and then the conversation moves on. Focus on your next steps and the fact that one day it will be you! Good luck OP! Xx

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