Emotions after miscarriage

[Loopylouboo]

This is my first time posting on here , just feel like I have no one to talk to. Basically I went for my 12wk scan July 30th and was told there was no heart beat. It had only stopped a few days before as I heard it on the Friday on my Doppler but couldn't find it from then on but didn't think anything of it as I was only 12wks.
I had a medically managed miscarriage and was admitted to hospital over night, my baby came out just after midnight august 1st, fully formed but so small.

So the issues I'm having is I'm constantly down and emotional I feel like I hate my partner as he was there when the baby came out and started freaking out so I didn't get to hold it or check the sex, I know he was shocked but because he started having a break down shouting get the nurse and put it down I just left my baby in the bed pan on the toilet. I regret this so much I contacted a local funeral home and had my baby buried but they were unable to let me see the baby as it'd already been over a week.

I'm having strange thoughts like maybe this happened because I don't really love my partner but then I'm thinking maybe I'm feeling this way because of my emotions and the trauma I've been through. People keep telling me everything happenes for a reason so was the reason because I'm not ment to be with him. My head is so messed up :(

[InDreamland]

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. It's just a really shitty thing to have to experience and it's still so raw and recent so don't be hard on yourself - you're going to feel so many different emotions for a long time, you're grieving your lost baby so it's totally natural to feel the way you do. Please take all the time you need to grieve and heal emotionally - don't make any hasty decisions whilst you're feeling this way. If you haven't already done so please look into getting some counselling - I've just started with counselling last week for my mc which was 4 weeks ago today and so glad I pursued it. Ignore the comments people make like it wasn't meant to be or things happen for a reason etc. They may think they're being comforting but it has the opposite effect to one intended - if I hear one more person say things along the lines of "at least you know you can get pregnant" and "just get pregnant again" or "you will forget and get over it" I swear I'll scream at them. No mother will ever forget or get over her lost baby - time I hope will make it easier to deal with the emotions (I'm nowhere near that yet). The physical process will also never be forgotten (4 hours of the most excruciating pain ever yet no live healthy baby at the end of it) and the emotions that brings - just heartbreaking. I hope you can find the right support you need at this really terribly time - remember too that ladies here on MN are a fantastic support, I've found their support invaluable on this hideous dark journey the past month and I will continue to need it for a long time to come

[Loopylouboo]

Thank you I have been thinking about counselling and it's been suggested by a friend as well so I will look in to it if it will help, I work a lot and people at work have not been supportive at all they all think it's good to tell me at least I was only 12 weeks and I didn't have to give birth to a still born etc like that makes me feel better. My baby was tiny but fully formed so I think how dare they assume I should be ok cause my baby wasn't big or was just a blood clot 😡I am definetly going to look in to some counselling cause recently been thinking what is the point in my life I feel like I don't know what I'm doing now, If it was not for my six year old I think I would have had a breakdown by now.

I'm so sorry for your loss too I hope the counselling helps you through this sad time and thank you for the reply ❤️

[InDreamland]

You might find this helpful. Print off some copies of the Someone You Know leaflet and leave them on people's desks at work. It makes me so mad when people make insensitive comments - most when I've put them right then get it but some still don't and I've chosen now top jusy try and ignore their comments although it does sill hurt.

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/your-feelings/simply-say/

As soon as you get that BFP you love your baby and that is a life that you have dreams and plans for so yes it will take a long time to grieve.

Thanks - I just want my baby back. I know I can't but that's what I want. Hoping as my counselling progresses I'll have the skills to better cope with my feelings. After 5 years TTC and failing then to finally get my BFP but then lose my baby I am just lost and empty, angry and bitter and resentful.