I just needed to write this down as I'm feeling like my whole world right now has crashed around me.
I've posted similar on other threads about my experience recently.
It's taken DH and I 5 years to concieve (natural conception) and the last 4 years have been so difficult - getting AF every month and a few BFNs when AF was late. Investigations didn't show anything wrong with either of us. It has been so painful having all the comments from pretty much everyone about not having kids etc etc. Then at the end of May we suddenly got the BFP we'd be so desperate and longed to get. It was such a relief.
Cue some anxiety and excitement all at the same time. Only a few people were told because I either needed support or was because they were people who needed to know - my parents and sister, my best mate (she's been on this long journey with me and shares the same pain with TTC), closest work colleague (she has been on a similar journey herself), my boss and gym trainers. I dared to dream about what life would be like with our baby from January. I was planning the people we would tell next week about our happy news but had agreed nothing would go on Facebook as we wanted to keep things as private as we could given our difficult journey and also not wanting to upset anyone who was going through their own fertility challenges like we had been. Knowing how seeing all those announcements made me feel I didn't want to do that to anyone else no matter how close or not I was to them. You don't always know what private battles friends and acquaintances are trying to deal with.
On Tuesday I ended up at the EPU to receive the worst news possible. Have to go back on Tuesday next week to confirm mc (apparently they cannot do it from first scan). The past few days have just been awful and I feel like I'm in the darkest days of my life.
Today I feel even worse. Right now we should be at the hospital about to go into our 12 weeks dating and NT scan. Today I'm supposed to be 12 weeks exactly.
I feel so low like I've never felt low like this before. I'm angry with the world but feel justified in feeling like this. I feel cheated and short changed. Like it is all my fault but I don't know what I've done that is so bad to deserve this. At 38 years old I don't think I'll ever get pregnant again. I can't take anymore comments from people about not having children yet and feeling like I'm being judged. I can't cope with seeing pregnant people, hearing pregnancy or birth announcements. I can no longer do the fake smiles and pretending I'm excited or over the moon for others when inside I'm just dying, screaming and crying. I can't do this anymore.
Sorry for the doom and gloom but just needed to get this down somewhere.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Supposed to be 12 weeks today and having first scan - instead am in the darkest place of my life
InDreamland · 13/07/2018 10:00
I'm so sorry for your loss
feel free to be doomy and gloomy and have a really good cry. Could you afford to book somewhere to go for a few days? Maybe take you and DH away for the weekend? Or a day trip? Make sure you talk to each other and use each other for support. I know lots of people who got their BFP after many years of trying and I'm sure it will happen for you too x
It was absolutely, categorically not your fault OP. I am so sorry for your loss. Please try to be a little kinder to yourself 
Oh OP, it was not your fault. Sometimes these things happen. You need to book your time away, support each other and just try again. I know your heart is breaking and nothing anyone can say will make you feel better but you will feel better. You don't know you won't get pregnant again, there's lots of women who get pregnant older than you and there's no reason why you can't get pregnant and have your much wanted baby 
@InDreamland - I am so sorry for your loss op - missed miscarriage of a much longed for baby is just so cruel. It is not your fault.
I have had so MMC now following IVF as we have unexplained secondary infertility, and it's just awful getting the news that your baby hasn't grown, and I had early scans due to the ivf, so I think it was easier for me as I hadn't had a chance to truly believe we had finally got there... look after yourselves, do not blame yourself. Let yourself feel shit about it all for a bit, I think it helps to accept your feelings....
One thing I can say after over 3 years of ttc #2 and endless comments on when we are having another, is that I have found it easier to cope with when I am just straight with people and tell them that "it's something we would love, buts sadly not proving to be easy" - some say things I wish they wouldn't ("ooh, you should try xyz my cousin swore by it" etc) but most shut up and think twice about asking again and hopefully are more considerate to others too.
38 is not too old.
I'm so sorry op. I echo what pp have said, it's not your fault.
Take the time you need to grieve your baby. Give yourself the time to heal emotionally, physically, spiritually. A keepsake is a lovely idea. I had a MC (two years ago this week actually) and one of the things I considered as a memory was a ring / necklace with what would have been the baby's birthstone
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