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Supposed to be 12 weeks today and having first scan - instead am in the darkest place of my life

(159 Posts)
InDreamland Fri 13-Jul-18 10:00:09

I just needed to write this down as I'm feeling like my whole world right now has crashed around me.

I've posted similar on other threads about my experience recently.

It's taken DH and I 5 years to concieve (natural conception) and the last 4 years have been so difficult - getting AF every month and a few BFNs when AF was late. Investigations didn't show anything wrong with either of us. It has been so painful having all the comments from pretty much everyone about not having kids etc etc. Then at the end of May we suddenly got the BFP we'd be so desperate and longed to get. It was such a relief.

Cue some anxiety and excitement all at the same time. Only a few people were told because I either needed support or was because they were people who needed to know - my parents and sister, my best mate (she's been on this long journey with me and shares the same pain with TTC), closest work colleague (she has been on a similar journey herself), my boss and gym trainers. I dared to dream about what life would be like with our baby from January. I was planning the people we would tell next week about our happy news but had agreed nothing would go on Facebook as we wanted to keep things as private as we could given our difficult journey and also not wanting to upset anyone who was going through their own fertility challenges like we had been. Knowing how seeing all those announcements made me feel I didn't want to do that to anyone else no matter how close or not I was to them. You don't always know what private battles friends and acquaintances are trying to deal with.

On Tuesday I ended up at the EPU to receive the worst news possible. Have to go back on Tuesday next week to confirm mc (apparently they cannot do it from first scan). The past few days have just been awful and I feel like I'm in the darkest days of my life.

Today I feel even worse. Right now we should be at the hospital about to go into our 12 weeks dating and NT scan. Today I'm supposed to be 12 weeks exactly.

I feel so low like I've never felt low like this before. I'm angry with the world but feel justified in feeling like this. I feel cheated and short changed. Like it is all my fault but I don't know what I've done that is so bad to deserve this. At 38 years old I don't think I'll ever get pregnant again. I can't take anymore comments from people about not having children yet and feeling like I'm being judged. I can't cope with seeing pregnant people, hearing pregnancy or birth announcements. I can no longer do the fake smiles and pretending I'm excited or over the moon for others when inside I'm just dying, screaming and crying. I can't do this anymore.

Sorry for the doom and gloom but just needed to get this down somewhere.

Urbanbeetler Fri 13-Jul-18 10:02:10

So sorry - what a loss, and your grief is palpable. flowers

WooYa Fri 13-Jul-18 10:25:34

I'm so sorry for your lossthankscake feel free to be doomy and gloomy and have a really good cry. Could you afford to book somewhere to go for a few days? Maybe take you and DH away for the weekend? Or a day trip? Make sure you talk to each other and use each other for support. I know lots of people who got their BFP after many years of trying and I'm sure it will happen for you too x

Thetruthfairy Fri 13-Jul-18 10:36:27

I am so sorry op xxx

MrsFrTedCrilly Fri 13-Jul-18 10:38:38

So so sorry for your loss flowers

ronniemipperton Fri 13-Jul-18 10:46:21

So sorry for your loss @InDreamland. So much of this resonates.

InDreamland Fri 13-Jul-18 10:55:44

Thank you all for your comments.

@WooYa DH has actually mentioned booking a mini break at a spa once this is all over so think we will do that.

Right now I cannot see how I'll ever recover from this emotionally.

RandomMess Fri 13-Jul-18 10:57:07

thanks

InDreamland Fri 13-Jul-18 17:18:31

OMG, it was my fault. The scan on Tuesday put us at 5-6 weeks ........ at 5.5 weeks I was sampling whiskey and Guinness, got cold and wet, was running around packing in the sight seeing and took a return short flight. That's got to be it. This day just gets worse and worse. I'm having fun unaware I was killing our baby. I'm so selfish. I destroyed our best and only chance of having a family.

Canshopwillshop Fri 13-Jul-18 17:21:43

Oh OP of course it wasn’t your fault! Loads of people drink, smoke, fly etc before they realise they are pg (me included). So sorry you are going through this.

fourpawswhite Fri 13-Jul-18 17:25:32

OP, I am so so sorry for your loss. This is NOT your fault. I have had five miscarriages and one missed miscarriage. Each and every one took a piece of me with them. Lots of people do not realise at that stage they are expecting and are carrying on as normal, nothing you did will have caused this, seriously.

Every time I had a loss I questioned what I had done, the truth of it is, sometimes this just happens. Nobody knows why.

It's a horrendous thing to take in and I have to say the missed miscarriage was a new level of pain I had not been prepared for. At least with the MCs I knew what was happening but I echo going to that scan and then being told.

Take some time for yourself, rest, grieve, do not make any sudden decisions. X

60sname Fri 13-Jul-18 17:28:05

It was nothing you did flowers. Please don't blame yourself.

NoNeedToArgue Fri 13-Jul-18 17:28:05

It was absolutely, categorically not your fault OP. I am so sorry for your loss. Please try to be a little kinder to yourself flowers

sirmione16 Fri 13-Jul-18 17:28:26

Alcohol will NOT have affected the pregnancy at that point. Not at all. Do not let that cross your mind or cause you guilt, please. It's horrible, I've been through this myself after trying for years and tests so I know what you're feeling, but there's NO proof that alcohol at that early stage affects pregnancy. All my best wishes to you and your OH. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

WooYa Fri 13-Jul-18 18:34:05

Oh OP, it was not your fault. Sometimes these things happen. You need to book your time away, support each other and just try again. I know your heart is breaking and nothing anyone can say will make you feel better but you will feel better. You don't know you won't get pregnant again, there's lots of women who get pregnant older than you and there's no reason why you can't get pregnant and have your much wanted baby brewcakethanks

iamloading Fri 13-Jul-18 18:39:10

It's wasn't your fault and I'm so sorry you are hurting. I'm sharing my story in the hope that it might help you a tiny bit...

After over two years of trying I was due with my longed for first baby this Jan (18) I needed fertility treatment in the end to fall pregnant. I did absolutely everything right from day one, and still lost her at 26 weeks. Like you I thought I'd never get over it.

Goodness only knows how but I feel pregnant 6 weeks later. Except I didn't know and was still grieving. So I drank, I didn't take care of myself, went in saunas. Everything you shouldn't do, and I'm now 33 weeks pregnant and everything is fine (touch wood.)

I tell you this in the hope that a) you won't blame yourself b) there is hope to fall again and c) that there can be light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Thinking of you xx

KatKit16 Fri 13-Jul-18 21:15:52

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.
100% not your fault so strike that from your list. Take one day at a time, post when you need to & let yourself grieve. Lots of love x

InDreamland Fri 13-Jul-18 23:16:17

Thank you all for being supportive. You're all so kind.

Thanks @iamloading for sharing your story, that couldn't have been easy to do so I appreciate it.

Today has been so difficult. I even dared for a moment to wonder if mother nature was playing a cruel joke on me and that because although I have been passing dark brown tissue I haven't actually started bleeding yet so thought maybe on Tuesday when they scan again miraculously they'll be a live baby but then I had a reality check. How stupid of me to even think it for moment. I think I'm losing my mind.

I really am waiting for my light at the end of this long dark tunnel.

Hobbes39 Fri 13-Jul-18 23:39:13

@InDreamland - I am so sorry for your loss op - missed miscarriage of a much longed for baby is just so cruel. It is not your fault.
I have had so MMC now following IVF as we have unexplained secondary infertility, and it's just awful getting the news that your baby hasn't grown, and I had early scans due to the ivf, so I think it was easier for me as I hadn't had a chance to truly believe we had finally got there... look after yourselves, do not blame yourself. Let yourself feel shit about it all for a bit, I think it helps to accept your feelings....
One thing I can say after over 3 years of ttc #2 and endless comments on when we are having another, is that I have found it easier to cope with when I am just straight with people and tell them that "it's something we would love, buts sadly not proving to be easy" - some say things I wish they wouldn't ("ooh, you should try xyz my cousin swore by it" etc) but most shut up and think twice about asking again and hopefully are more considerate to others too.
38 is not too old. thanks

InDreamland Sat 14-Jul-18 10:32:59

Thank you for commenting @Hobbes39 and sharing your story with me. Life really is cruel. I hope soon you will have DC #2 .

Nothing can ever make this feel any better. I think I will get something special though I can keep with me as like an "in memory of" my little bean that never got to join his/her mummy and daddy. I will get something as soon as this mc stays and completes. It isn't helping that right now i feel in limbo land until Tuesday. I need final answers and to physically be back to "normal" before I can even start to try and heal emotionally. Life is so unfair and with things i see around me I feel like there is just no justice in this world.

InDreamland Sat 14-Jul-18 14:04:33

I think it may be happening. Last trip to loo and bigger clots are passing now and it's also looking redder so think bleeding is now coming on. Petrified of what happens next.

sprinkleofsunshine Sat 14-Jul-18 14:17:01

So sorry for this op thanks look after yourself

icelollies Sat 14-Jul-18 14:29:53

Op, so sorry to hear what you are going through. I’ve been through exactly the same twice, the first was a missed mc, suspected ectopic with 2 D&C’s, my second mc took a couple of weeks no intervention though and was just like a heavy period - not especially painful (physically), just long. It is a miserable time, and you will feel angry at the world and yourself. There is nothing you will have done to cause it. I hope you take your break and take care of yourself xx

sprinkleofsunshine Sat 14-Jul-18 14:39:17

So sorry for this op thanks look after yourself

CassandraLamontaigne Sat 14-Jul-18 14:46:40

I'm so sorry op. I echo what pp have said, it's not your fault.
Take the time you need to grieve your baby. Give yourself the time to heal emotionally, physically, spiritually. A keepsake is a lovely idea. I had a MC (two years ago this week actually) and one of the things I considered as a memory was a ring / necklace with what would have been the baby's birthstone
flowers

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