Baby Luna - Lost at 22 weeks. Early pregnancy(3 Posts)
Last week (it’s still so raw, I wanted to document this journey step by step) we had to say goodbye to our baby girl, Luna Swancott who was born sleeping at 5.5 months on 8th June 2018 at 00:29am.
Labour was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, knowing that our little girl will be sleeping. The room was silent, but when she arrived, I was desperate to hold her and give her a cuddle. I thought I would be scared, it’s OK to be scared, but I had an overwhelming feeling of ‘excitement’ (if you can call it that) to hold her and see what she looked like. We giggled straight away, she had the longest legs and feet (just like mine!) and the tiniest little ears just like Quinns. She was so utterly perfect. I didn’t want to let go. Leaving her behind in the hospital is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do, but my one biggest piece of advice is to cram as many memories as you can into the short time you’ll have together. Take photos, have cuddles, take hand/feet prints, dress her, speak to her, sing to her, play music. The cruelest and hardest moment is saying goodbye, but leaving knowing you’ve had quality memories is something I’m honestly so grateful for. The weekend came and we missed her so much. We rang the hospital first thing Monday morning and they let us go back to see her, we were on a strict timeline though of 1.5 hours, which we made the most of! She was even prettier than we remembered. I took lots more photos and played her some of my favourite Disney songs. Those memories will never leave us. I just wish we had longer. Saying goodbye again was so upsetting, but I wouldn’t of changed that extra time for the world. I don’t think I’ve ever squeezed anyone so tightly! Make the most of the time you have and cherish those moments forever. Those are the moments we never want to forget.
I’m so proud of giving birth to Luna, especially without watching a single OBEM, or reading any sort of labour books. I had no idea. The only labour I’d ever seen are the ones on Hollyoaks & Coronation Street! I panicked in the morning and text my stepmom, it just suddenly dawned on me that I was about to give birth and had absolutely no idea what happens! I mean, I literally had no clue at all! If that’s you, don’t worry, the midwife will talk you through it as it happens, then your body will do the rest. It’s a beautiful, precious, sad, heartbreaking but exciting moment all at the same time. Finally meeting our baby girl.
The one thing I felt so strongly about was being as “in the moment” as I could, the midwife asked me what drugs I wanted, I basically said none. I didn’t want to be out of it, I wanted to remember every moment and be proud of delivering Luna, but the midwife rightly said the next 24 hours are going to be stressful, painful and distressing anyway, don’t punish yourself by not having any drugs. She was right. I started to be sick every hour with contractions coming in thick and fast...I soon asked for every drug going! Do what feels right and don’t dismiss all the drugs straight away, you never know what’s going to happen. It’s won’t make it any easier being in agony the entire way through. I had Pethidine and it really helped with the pain and made the process much easier to bear.
Afterwards I felt empty, sick and numb. Has that just actually happened? Was that real? It’ll take a long time for it to sink in, I really don’t think it’s sunk in with me yet. I keep thinking I can feel Luna inside me, I still feel pregnant, yet I’m empty. It’s a shattering feeling and one that I’m not sure will ever go away.
My heart hurts, my head hurts, every morning I cry. I keep having such vivid dreams and wake up in tears. Everything hits me again in the morning, I just wish I would wake up and Luna would be next to me, then realisation kicks in. It helps to listen to the music that I listened to with Luna, I just sit in bed quietly listening to the Lion King 2 & Tarzan on repeat. It’s comforting to know she’s heard them, the poor girl has heard more Disney songs in an hour than any other kid I imagine!
We left Luna with a Nala, Rex & Teddy toy to make sure she always has someone with her. We’ve always called her little cub, or Rex (when we thought she was a boy!) So it only felt right to leave her with a dinosaur and a lion. I’ve kept one of the Lions, which I can’t let go of. I’ve kept one of her blankets too.
Some people can’t relate to the love you feel from the short time you spend together, my heart wants to explode every time I think of Luna, I’ve never, ever felt love like it. It’s made me & Quinn much stronger too, we’ve been together 24/7 and he hasn’t left my side. I’m not sure how I’m going to ever go back to ‘normal life’ I just can’t see that yet, the idea of stepping out the door literally terrifies me at the moment, the thought of being on my own scares me, I’m just not the same person at the moment.
Keeping my mind busy has helped for sure, I’ve been organising her room and doing little tasks in the house. Just taking it one step at a time to try and get organised. The one thing I struggle with is the guilt I feel when I do something ‘normal.’ Everything seems fine and then all of a sudden I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Like I shouldn’t be having fun without Luna, or doing anything remotely normal. I’m hoping each day it will get easier.
Everything I do from now on is in her name, in her legacy. I’m so proud of our little girl already for making such a big difference, I’m desperate to turn this awful experience into something good. As I mentioned before, the one thing that’s helped me is talking to other people, some people don’t want to talk though, that’s OK too. I’m writing this post and putting my feelings out there, to help other parents relate to our feelings and know that is OK to feel the way you do. There’s no right or wrong way to feel, we’re very lucky as we have so many people to talk too, but some people feel totally alone. You’re not alone. The ‘baby loss club’ is the worst club to be in, but the best in so many ways to be able to speak to other parents who will pull you through this.
We hope Luna will be looking down and realising that she would have been blessed to grace this planet with such wonderful people in it.
I’m sending all my love to you all. What you’re about to face is the bravest thing you and your family will have to go through, things haven’t gone how you planned, but they will get better. Life may just take a different turn to how you ever imagined.
It’s a slow process and I’m only one week in, I’ve got such a long way to go. This is only the beginning.
To talk directly, or donate to Luna's Legacy, you can search 'Hannah Swancott Travel Through Life' to be connected to my blog, or search 'Luna's Legacy Hannah Swancott'
Here to talk if you need.
Hey there that was so beautiful written ! Luna is so lucky no have a mama like you! What a sweet and beautiful name . I have only experienced a v early miscarriage so I don't know why it is like to give birth and do what u do everyday but I'm sooo very certain your post will bring a smile and hope to many women . Be proud of yourself u created a beautiful baby girl and long may she be remembered . Wishing u Sunny and happy days for the future . Xoxoxoxox
Hi I'm so sorry this happened to you as I'm currently going through a miscarrige myself at 12 weeks and 5 days. I can't imagine how you must be feeling getting that far along in your pregnancy and then losing your precious baby. You're incredibly brave for everything you've gone through and I'm sure your little girl loves you very much and is extremely proud of her mummy. Sending hugs xxx
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