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Has anyone been able to maintain complete denial in the face of pregnancy loss? (In other words, protect mental health by just pretending that you are not pregnant at all)

(11 Posts)
underestimation Tue 22-May-18 15:14:37

Hi everybody. First of all, I am so sorry that you are on this board and have experienced pregnancy loss.

I am writing because I am currently pregnant after two termination for medical reasons (TMFR) in the last two years. I'm 45 now and the almost certain likelihood is that this one will end the same way - my body seems to get pregnant despite damaged eggs and does not miscarry.

The thing is, I had just got to a point of acceptance about what had happened and was looking forward with happiness when this happened. (I should say that I am so lucky to have two healthy children.)

I have decided that the only way to approach this pregnancy is in complete denial that it's happening at all and in the certain knowledge that this will end in a few weeks. At the moment this is keeping me just about on an even keel - but it's early days and I don't feel very pregnant at the moment so it's easier to 'forget'. Has anyone else tried something similar and has it helped you to keep the devastation in check? I hope this isn't a really insensitive question here and I wish all of you the best of luck.

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yellowmellw Tue 22-May-18 18:01:54

Hi op I've just been through a mmc and me and dp have agreed to do this if we try again. We feel we need to remove ourselves mentally until at least 12 weeks. I will just take he required folic acid and watch for bleeding and try not to focus on it much else. We will have an early scan and then focus on each day coming without reading into it all

PineapplePrincess Tue 22-May-18 21:01:53

Sorry to hear about your previous losses @underestimation; and congratulations (if I’m allowed to say that) on this pregnancy.

I think it’s the intention of most people who have had miscarriages to not believe the next pregnancy will work. It’s a rational approach to protect ourselves from getting hopes dashed again. It was certainly our approach to our last miscarraige, which happened last week.

Unfortunately I think it’s easier said than done. As time passes hopes raise and a sense of loss is inevitable. I have however found this loss easier to adjust to, to previous losses. They learn to cope with the feeling better. But then I’m not sure if that still shell shock at this stage.

underestimation Wed 23-May-18 14:14:58

Hi Pineapple. I am so sorry that you have been through miscarriage - and more than once. Thanks for responding. I know what you mean - there is that period of shell shock. I wonder if it's different for me as I have reached an acceptance that my family is the size it is and feel unbelievably fortunate. I don't know ... denial is all I can try for now though. Wishing you so much luck for your future. xxx

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ThreeLeggedCat Thu 24-May-18 21:27:06

I did this unintentionally with my DS. I had an ectopic before him, and just went through the motions but didn’t really believe it when I got pregnant with him. I sort of had it in my head that if we got to 29 weeks it would be ok. Why 29? No idea! But when we did get to 29 weeks, I had this sudden massive realisation that we were going to have a newborn. I was approximately the size of a whale at this point so my DH had a really hard time understanding why it was all a big shock to me that we were having another baby. It was my mind protecting itself. DS was full term and healthy. With any luck your pregnancy will be the same.

NotBurpeesAgain Mon 28-May-18 14:31:47

I had been thinking about posting a similar thread for a few days. I had a late miscarriage in January (18 weeks). My little boy probably had a trisomy, but we don't know which one.
I got pregnant 2 months later and I am trying to "block" the pregnancy out mentally. I am 11 weeks and I have not even told my parents yet. I had a scan at 8 weeks. Everything was normal, but I had spent days getting myself ready for the inevitable "sorry, there's no heartbeat". My next scan is on June 7th and I am already doing the same.
However, I am not sure that if it does end in tragedy again, it will be any easier. And I am worried that I am not going to bond with my child if he or she lives.

underestimation Wed 30-May-18 17:41:17

Thanks for responding threeleggedcat - and congratulations on your DS. And I am so sorry noburpees, that's so heartbreaking. I really hope things are OK this time, and good luck with the scan. It's so stressful after a previous loss. I understand about the fear that you will not bond but is there any chance you could sort of try to postpone that worry just for now? If it's any help (probably not) I didn't bond initially with my DS (partly I think because he came early and I was working up to my due date so I was literally cancelling work appointments from the labour room). Anyway, it took me about a year I think to really bond which sounds awful but now he is the light of my life (he's 8) and I couldn't feel closer to him.

I think I am in a particular situation as I do have two healthy lovely children. And I am really old at 45 to be having a 'natural' pregnancy. I have learnt the hard lesson after two losses that I am really good at getting and staying pregnant but for some reason my body has very poor 'quality control.' In other words I stay pregnant with very sick babies which the geneticist I saw said most people would miscarry at an early stage.

So I genuinely have no expectation that this will last and am even managing to forget I am pregnant for much of the time. Helped as currently I have no symptoms at all. I am dreading having the dating scan which I need (I will ask them to turn the sound off and make it so I can't see the screen) and I am dreading the moment when they give me the test results but apart from that my strategy seems to be sort of working ... for now. Good luck everybody.

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Yoshei Thu 31-May-18 21:31:24

I thought I had managed my second miscarriage pretty well, the baby wasn't as far along as the first time and I had kept emotional distance. However I recently noticed that I am much more fragile emotionally. I got really upset about something unrelated (they are going to build a house behind our house and distance to our living quarters is 10m) I don't mean regular or normal upset, but like mental breakdown upset. So what I'm trying to say is, I managed to force my emotions below surface but they are still there..

Gratefulninja Fri 01-Jun-18 14:22:57

I’m not sure if I have achieved this or not. I’m currently mc (over the worst bit now though physically). However I have known for weeks things weren’t right (had some indicators on an early scan but midwife said she was still positive).

Because I have had some time to process everything in my head and had already accepted the pregnancy was over I think I’m coping alright.
My registrar thinks I’m in denial (I’m not I know the pregnancy is over and haven’t felt pregnant in a couple of weeks) but maybe I am in denial about how this is effecting me. He has signed me off work for a fortnight.

I am now focussed on getting myself better physically, losing a couple of stone, getting the house sorted etc and trying again. If I am lucky and we get pregnant again (no reason to think we won’t, everything looks healthy etc according to doctor) then I won’t be telling anyone other than my husband. I won’t do all the things I did with this pregnancy in terms of making plans etc so early.

Basically I can’t answer if it will help you, I think I’ve just rambled a bit tbh 🤔 but at this stage I do think it’s helped me be a bit stronger and accepting.

Pampl3m0usse Fri 01-Jun-18 16:12:59

Unfortunate how are you doing?
Thinking of you x

underestimation Sat 02-Jun-18 11:37:21

Hi gratefulninja - I am so sorry about your miscarriage. You haven't rambled - I understood exactly what you are saying. And Yoshei that sounds awful, two miscarriages, no wonder you are emotionally fragile. After my losses I had to allow myself to grieve, so I hope you can do that too. Because I am so old to have a baby and so lucky with my two kids, I felt for a while that I wasn't allowed to be sad (because at my age loss is inevitable almost and I have so much to be grateful for).

And anyway, that building thing sounds like a nightmare situation whatever the context! I am in the process of losing my shit over our incredibly noisy neighbours who play such loud music all summer, every summer, in their garden, that we can't use ours. So I get it.

I am not feeling that great which is undermining my emotional resources a little. So I am having a few wobbles but am sort of forcing myself constantly to remember all the brilliant things I have in my life (there are plenty) and also weirdly visualizing the steps I will take when it comes to termination. I am also thinking ahead to the summer and the lovely things I will do with my kids NOT pregnant. This sounds so macabre and a bit grim but it's keeping me just about sane for now. Previously I allowed myself to imagine what life would be like with a baby and then had to un-imagine it, and that was horribly painful. I can't allow that to happen this time so everything is continuing AS BLOODY NORMAL.

Take care everybody. x

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